Getting out the habit!

[Sooz127]

So after a year on my own, I've met the loveliest man. I feel I am in danger of making him run for the hills. After 3 years of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting, how can I convince myself that this man is not my ex. There are no red flags, just my own fears and inhibitions that I am going to get hurt again.
I'm the happiest I've been in a long while, but also the most scared. I keep telling myself to just go with the flow and see where things go, but there is always this niggling doubt that yet again I am someone's option rather than their number 1. How do I get out of that mindset?

How long has it been since you left your ex?
It's important to take time after dating a narcissist before looking to date again.

The feelings of paranoia should reduce when you have done a good amount of research on spotting narcissists and are feeling more confident in your ability to notice them quickly and be able to drop them from your life.

If you are still feeling very worried then chances are you are not ready to date yet.

OR potentially, you are right to be paranoid about this particular person. Maybe your instincts are telling you something. Assuming there has been no sign of love bombing? (Not that all narcissist love bomb of course).

Knowledge is key. Never stop learning about how to spot red flags. That way when you do date, you'll trust yourself.

And in the mean time, if your instincts tell you something, listen. Right now they are telling you either that he is not safe or that you have not made things safe for yourself yet.

As for the 'am I their number 1?' niggling doubt. What is it that makes you feel he sees you as an option? Because there must be a reason other than 'paranoia'. Even if you think it's not a 'good' reason to feel this way.

Sorry I just noticed you said a year single not a year with this guy xD
So is it pretty early days with this new fella?

Perhaps to give some context, I was married to a narcissist who's extra marital affair left me feeling like I was second best. His promises to save our marriage only to return to his lover always left me feeling like I was an option. I guess I'm scared to address these feeling with someone new in case they think I am crazy. The new guy hasn't given me any indication that I'm an option, but the behaviour of my ex over years has me second guessing the motivations of even the loveliest of people.

Yeah that's perfectly understandable op. I would not discuss it with him though. Not because of what he might think, but because its never wise to discuss how a past abuser mindfucked you with a new partner. Just on the off chance that they are made from the same cloth.

If there were specific things he did that made you feel that way, then maybe you could address them but if its purely your insecurity then I wouldn't say anything.

Maybe work on your own self appreciation ect. And just be sure that if he were to really start acting like you were just an option, you would have trust in yourself to walk away.