Dumped and told he didn't have feelings for me

[snetta]

I'm pretty gutted right now. Last night I got dumped by a guy that I really really liked. We knew each other for a few years, and after a drunken one night stand it sort of developed into a relationship. He wasn't sure if he wanted to, but I said that we should give things a go. He said he was glad that I admitted to having feelings and convincing him to give 'us' a go. I'm 25 and he's 28.

Now 6 months down the line, after we had become 'official' and started getting comfortable with each other, he went cold. He told me that he's never fully developed feelings for me, but he really tried to.

Now I get it. There's no point being with someone if you don't feel for them in the same way that they do. But I think he has unrealistic expectations of what love is, and how quickly it builds up. He said clearly we are not just friends and we both care for each other. But in his eyes, it's not enough for a relationship

He said he still really wanted to see me around as I'm his best friend. He said he isn't sure if he is going to regret this, but he thinks I am the perfect girlfriend, but just not for him. I'll probably go NC with him. He can't expect to have the 'fun' me or have me as a booty call but not as a girlfriend.

Well done on your thinking, OP. Stat strong and dignified.

Nobody owes us a relationship, and the good-news flipside to that is we font owe them anything either.

Take some time to rediscover You, and then see what else is out there. You'll be ok.

If a man is interested he would chase you...doesn't have to be love to chase you.

I think he's given it a good go.... He enjoys your company and likes you as a person but obviously there isn't that spark where he wants you in that way....

To be fair he was honest from the beginning. You will find someone that wants you and shows you they want you.

Sounds like you’re just not the one for him and that’s ok. It hurts now but you will move on from it

I think wanting him to hang on till he develops love for you is unrealistic op, you need th initial spark and in love phase ans that comes quickly.

If it’s not there for him then time to move on, if it hurts too much then go no contact 💐

It’s the classic ‘He’s not that into you ‘
I don’t say that to be callous , I’ve had same

But he isn’t , you deserve better
Let him go

I’m sorry it didn’t work out and if you need to keep contact low or stop talking to him altogether then that’s what you should do. I do think it is worth considering why you think his expectations have been unrealistic? In your post you say after a drunken ONS it developed and you were the one telling him to give it a go even though he wasn’t sure. Now he’s put a stop to it after 6 months because his initial assessment - that you persuaded him to ignore - was right, he likes you and enjoys your company but doesn’t feel the relationship thing when it comes to you.

It’s tough but I think his expectations were realistic and yours probably weren’t.

Just go no contact. Tbh you can't know what is right in terms of love for him, and you don't know either how long it should take to happen. I can understand it hurts, but he has always been honest and did try to give it a go. 6 months is enough to know if feelings can change, and rather than lead you on he's ended it.

The 'let's be friends' thing is always just a polite gesture I find. No one really wants to stay friends with an ex but it's too brutal to say you don't want to talk to them again. Go no contact, heal, get over him and then start dating again. If you still feel like being friends, you can do it then. But atm, staying in contact will just confuse you, and heaven forbid he meets someone else, will devastate you. You don't owe him anything, so just look after yourself.

You will be absolutely fine, OP. Better to know now than a few years in.

Thank you for your responses, they're helping me structure my thoughts.

I guess that in my head, I didn't see this as a 'trial' stage anymore, because he said how happy he was that I had the balls to say we should give it a go. We'd chatted a fortnight ago about being nicer to each other so I knew something was up. When I asked him last week if things were ok he told me I was reading into things that weren't there, and that we were fine.

He went on a weekend away with his best mate (who dislikes me), and then he hit me with this. So bit of a shock.

He also said that he would feel weird seeing me with someone else, and that I should probably try being single for a while.

Unfortunately it's best for your own sanity to go NC. Sounds controlling on how you should live your life without him, he wants you around but doesn't want anyone else to have you. Live your life how you want to.

Don’t take that to mean he secretly wants you, he most likely said it to keep you on the back burner incase he fancies a shag 😬

@snetta

He also said that he would feel weird seeing me with someone else, and that I should probably try being single for a while.

Lol, he's full of opinions, isn't he.

Your intuition is right, NC is the best option here as otherwise he'll keep orbiting you and bothering you whenever he's bored or wants sex.

It's not you, it's him. As in, he's a dick. You should try being single for a while because he doesn't want to see you with someone else? Seriously? 😂

Knob city, population: 1

Count yourself lucky, he sounds like he has the emotional capabilities of a 14 year old. What's the deal with the weekend away? Why doesn't his mate like you? Did he tell you that or do you sense it?

@snetta

He also said that he would feel weird seeing me with someone else, and that I should probably try being single for a while.

Well he can fuck off with that! He doesn't have to be with you but he doesn't get a say on what you do now you are not a couple.

Don't go getting involved with someone else, I want you pining for me in case I decide I want a shag at some point

@snetta

He also said that he would feel weird seeing me with someone else, and that I should probably try being single for a while.

Wait, what? Fuck that noise. I hereby rescind my previous "wait a while" advice: grab the nearest chippendale you can find and snog him good and hard at whatever pub you and twatface used to frequent. Tell 'em I sent ya.

@TurnUpTurnip

Don’t take that to mean he secretly wants you, he most likely said it to keep you on the back burner incase he fancies a shag 😬

This!

The audacity. Definitely do not let him keep you around as a back up in case he doesn't find someone else.