This is what a partner and parent should be............
Why I Don't Help My Wife
Recently, I invited a friend over. Sipping coffee in my living room, the conversation turned from movies and sports to life. We are both about the same age, and both have been married for about the same amount of time. As we talked, I heard the loud clamoring of the dishwasher stop as it finished its final cycle. Excusing myself, I told my friend I must put away the dishes.My friend shot me a glance: a shock of disbelief, almost defensive in posture. He told me that it's great that I help out my wife, but that he doesn't bother. “Every time I do chores,” he said, “she doesn't have an ounce of gratitude. If she's not gonna thank me for helping her out, why should I even bother?” This startled me. I'm normally not a confrontational kind of guy. I don't like to talk about politics, and I usually keep my comments to myself. But this was too much. I couldn't contain myself.“Look man, I said, I'm not 'helping her out. My wife doesn't need 'help.' She needs a partner. The two of us are a team.” He started to reply, trying to explain what he meant by the comment, but I stopped him, continuing:I don't “help” my wife clean the house. We keep our house clean because we both live here and want the house to be clean. I clean the house because it's where I live, and my wife isn't a maid, but a partner.I don't “help” my wife cook because it's not her job to cook and my job to eat. We both live here, we both need to eat, and in order for us to eat, the cooking needs to be done.I don't “help” my wife do the dishes because they're my dishes, too. I eat off them, just like her, and it's in both of our interests to have them be cleaned.I don't “help” my wife with her children because they're my children, too. They need a mother and they need a father, and raising them is both of our jobs.I don't “help” my wife clean, fold clothes, do laundry, or any other chores because they aren't only “hers,” but mine.I'm not only a “help,” a hired hand that helps my wife out on occasion in exchange for a “thank you,” a kiss, or sex. I am a part of the house.Then, I turned back to my friend, his face tense with embarrassment. I was now in my full preacher mode, and it was time to charge my audience with conviction. I asked him “do you thank your wife every time she cleans the house?” He clamored to defend himself, but I continued: “I'm not talking about a half-baked “thanks” that you mutter from across the room, but actually looking her in her eye and saying that you appreciate that she worked all day to help you take care of your home!” “Do you look her in the eye and tell her she's fantastic, beautiful, the best thing that ever happened to you and that she means the world to you?” “Do you tell her how much you love that she keeps your house clean?”You should not “help” your wife with the chores in exchange for some kind of prize. What prize does she get for helping you out? You need to get out of this “Leave it to Beaver” mentality, step out of TV Land, and step up and be a real husband.My friend stood speechless, flabbergasted, fumbling to find an excuse. I shrunk in slight embarrassment for a moment, even though I knew it had to be said.I spoke again to break the silence: “I'm just saying man, your wife doesn't owe you anything. She's not your “help,” and you should treat her like an equal partner.”Many of us were raised in home with mothers who waited on us hand in foot. We took their help for granted, because they had to raise us and take care of us. But your wife is not your mother. She's not raising you, and you're not a child. Marriage is an equal partnership. Your wife is not your mother, and she's not there to take care of you.You are there to take care of each other, to have a house together, raise children together, and form an equal partnership. That means each of you carrying your share of the load, and thanking each other for help. Macho culture would make you think that everything is your wife's job, but there's nothing macho about this. It's the behavior of a child who needs to be taken care of, not an adult who can provide in a partnership.Imagine a child who constantly demands help from his mother, constantly makes messes, and never thanks her for anything. That's basically how you act towards your wife. That might be acceptable for a young infant, but not for an adult. So thank your wife for what she does, and make sure that you carry an equal share of the load, helping her in any way possible.When you make a mess, you shouldn't expect your wife to clean it up. It's your job to clean up your own messes. You both live there, you're not “helping” her with anything because it's your home.Likewise, it's not her job to constantly cook. In my home, I always do the cooking, because I'm good at it.These “traditional” roles were sold to us by fictional television. They say nothing about the reality of marriage. If you step all over your wife like Homer Simpson, you are on a one-way street to a divorce.So to everyone out there who is concerned about their own masculinity, if you want to be a macho man, stop acting like a child and making your wife do all the work and chores. Thank her, and do your part to contribute.