The realisation has hit

[Changesaheadalone]

Name changed for this.

I've been with DH for 7 years and for the last 4 have stood by and supported him through severe illness and watched him battle both addiction problems and severe mental health problems stemming from childhood trauma. It's been a toxic circle that we've been on for a long while.

We have 3 DC all under 3 with youngest being twins and I'm still on maternity.

After another spell of bad depression and arguement after argument and losing job after job enough was enough.

Finally came to point where I know I deserve better and I WANT better both for myself and the kids and we mutually decided it would be best if we split.

He packed his stuff and moved out today and watching him go has been the hardest thing ever. I'm fine for money and house is all mine and I have a great support system and a good career so it's not about that.

I just cannot stop crying. Not just for myself but for the kids and letting go of the past.

In hindsight it should have finished years ago but I probably was holding on and hoping he would change but instead I watched him sink deeper and deeper into depression and self sabotage to a point where I couldn't pull him back from.

I know it's for the best but I just feel so broken and the realisation has hit that it's over has floored me. I just feel so alone.

For those who have been in the same position, how did you pull yourself up?

@Changesaheadalone

How hard and how brave

Exactly the same here. Mine was over 5 years ago.
We get on fine and speak either by message or phone call almost daily regarding the children but to start with it was very difficult and I cried a lot. Blamed myself etc as I was the one who finally said enough was enough.

Occasionally I still have a little cry to myself over it - what if I / we had done this or that differently etc

It will get easier everyday

@Changesaheadalone

Focus on one step at a time.
Focus on dinner for kids then bed time for them.
One step at a time every day for a few weeks
Then it will start to be better.

Realise every thing you do is helping

Part of me is just so upset for him too, he doesn't have the support system I have. he had absolutely zero money to his name, has cut himself off from all his friends and said he wouldn't burden family so I have no idea where he would go or how he would feed himself etc
Part of me thinks Hel end up sleeping in his car which just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

You have done the right thing OP. You know you have. You couldn't keep on going the way you were doing. It's not fair to the kids.

It may be now that he has hit rock bottom, DH will finally sort himself out.

It's not your job to look after him. He needs to learn how to do this for himself. It's your job to protect yourself and give yourself the opportunity to make a better life for you and your children. Please don't let the guilt or fear of the unknown stop you from living a better life. I'm sure that you deserve happiness and peace

I've been through something similar, although we weren't living together at the time my ex and child's father split up. He was in a rough way, similar to how your ex sounds (and still is). However, you can't feel too much guilt - you need to do what's safest and right for your own family's MH and kids. It's not easy. Remember though, he is an adult, and so whilst he might be a bit down and out he may well have been relying on the ease of the situation before rather than sorting himself out. Have you looked into co-dependent relationships? Sometimes it perpetuates a bad situation so maybe this will be the kick up the bum he needs to realise he needs to get help. It might get worse before it gets better though. Please get yourself some therapy too, it will help you through.

@Ellie56 I do know deep down its the right thing. I really did think I would feel better when he left or feel some weight lifted off my shoulders but instead I just feel so much worse.

@ojojojoja I've just had a quick look at codependency and I defo think that sums it up well. I do hope he sorts his head and his life out, not for the sake of getting back together but for his own self.

Just feel like I've been hit with a huge alap of reality and it's hit harder than I thought.
I feel broken.

i could have written this myself!! only, we were together 22 years, 10yrs too long. finally kicked him out 4 and half months ago and its been brilliant. the kids have blossomed, i have a new lease of life and i know i tried. the first 4weeks, i spent it very angry with myself for wasting 10yrs of my life, but its better late than never. be kind to yourself, call on your support system and take it one day at a time and in time, you will realise you only live once and life is far too short to just settle.

Well done for being so brave 💐
You will get better.
You are doing the best thing for you and for your gorgeous children.

I remember that feeling from 2007 @Changesaheadalone only it was me who left in the end as it was Army married quarters. During the packing up I was OK as the adrenaline was pumping and my mum was there. It was only when she’d dropped me at my new flat and the door shut and it was just me and DS that the realisation hit that it was just the two of us. Fortunately my mum was great plus I had several fantastic friends who would often come over in the evenings when DS was asleep to keep me company. I won’t lie, there were a lot of tears though.

@Changesaheadalone

How’s it going?

@Changesaheadalone

Part of me is just so upset for him too, he doesn't have the support system I have. he had absolutely zero money to his name, has cut himself off from all his friends and said he wouldn't burden family so I have no idea where he would go or how he would feed himself etc Part of me thinks Hel end up sleeping in his car which just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Sorry Lawful sutuatioN

Sounds like it was about time to do this

Stay strong