Who looks out for me?

[Olafscat]

I've been feeling somewhat discontented and angry at the world all week.
My marriage is dead. I am planning to leave but finding the process exhausting. DH won't leave and says he's happy to live as housemates. Another layer to this is that it looks like he is autistic after I suspected for a long time and it was then pointed out in relationship counselling. He now refuses to attend relationship counselling at all as he's offended by the suggestion that he may be autistic.

We have 2 young children and I often feel like I have 3 children as he needs so much help with time management and I can't rely on him.

Then to top this, I have no support myself and have two difficult parents and a very needy grandmother all making demands and expectations of me. I grew up in a tense and difficult household, my Dad is an alcoholic. My mum has moved 100 miles away to live with her boyfriend who is an ex alcoholic and suffers terrible health conditions as a result. My mum adores her grandchildren but is also bad with time management and will arrive with very little notice for a long weekend when we are busy. I then also have to cook for her etc along with my other family. She doesn't stay at our house as we don't have the room but stays with my grandmother and spends the days with us.

Today I just need some space to clean my house and can't because we're hosting my mum again. I have asked them all to go to the park for 2 hours which they have agreed to but I feel so drained and unsupported and want to sit here in silence. DH offended my mum last night by commenting on our portion sizes being too big and not leaving enough for him- this was in reference to some rice which we have plenty of in the cupboard and only takes 2 minutes in the microwave! I ended up getting upset, he stormed out. It's all too much.

I love being outdoors at the weekends with my kids as they have tons of energy to burn and I love being amongst the trees in my spare time as it makes me feel so much better. But mum can't walk very far so we end up all sitting in the house when it's the last place I want to be.

I feel completely overwhelmed.
My Dad will drop in unannounced and talk at us for an hour about all his problems offering us absolutely nothing. He's never once looked after our kids. My grandmother has told me that I'm a terrible granddaughter because I don't visit her enough.

I'm fed up of all these people around me and I don't know what to do about it. I love my mum, I enjoy her company, but the visits, on top of everything else going on in my life is just too much. Nobody helps out. My parents haven't cooked me a meal in about 5 years. I'm always hosting, cooking and waiting on them. I just want someone to look after me for once, even my DH (who is a very good cook) can't get it right and made a dinner of plain oven chips on his evening to cook. I'm also trying to lose weight and be healthier so no support with this unless I plan and cook everything.

I spent my childhood craving to get away from my parents. I got away, but now they're in my house. I can't even visit them in their houses as they live in squalor- no carpets, disgusting homes with dirty pets and they smoke in them. I can't even take my kids to visit their grandparents, so they always have to come to my house. Often, I feel like the only functional adult sandwiched between my kids, my parents and DH and I'm absolutely drained and want life to be different.

Any ideas on what I can do to take control?

Oh that sounds incredibly difficult

Have you actually told your parents how you feel and how difficult you find it being the only one to host?

Can't you eat at a local cafe intead? Sorry for such a crap idea not sure what else to say hopefully someone with better ideas than me will come along. Sounds a bit like my family.

Unfortunately I think your situation is common for many women. The only way you can change it is by standing up for what you want.

So you wanted to clean your house and your mum showed up. Well carry on as you would! It feels rude but actually they are the rude ones expecting you to run your life around them.

I also think your childhood has fed into your inability to stand up to others. You had to stay quiet while the adults misbehaved. Alcoholics and their enablers are selfish people. Your grandmother doesn't sound very nice for saying you are a 'bad granddaughter'. No way in hell my grandmother would ever have said such a thing to me.

Please stand up for yourself because everyone else is going to keep disregarding you otherwise.

I also feel like I am the only ‘normalish’ person in my family who can deal with life. I also have never had any support from anyone .

Recently my narcissistic mother and difficult-distant son (with autistic traits I believe) have edged away as I have dropped the rope and not been there for them every minute sorting stuff out.

It has been such a relief and the relaxation has been amazing. Though there has been some sadness that we are all like little islands who can’t communicate, it’s been good to finally enjoy some peace.

As PP said you “just” have to enforce boundaries with your family. Easier said than done but done it must be. Don’t cook for or entertain visitors. Tell them to pop to the shops and get some sandwiches or snacks, the lazy sods. Or just tell them to always let you know when they are coming and make excuses if it’s not convenient. If they come unannounced, then tell them they have to leave as you have something you need to do, or you’re tired and about to go to bed etc etc etc. If necessary, tell them you’ve been unwell recently and GP has said you need rest and more rest. They’ll soon understand the new arrangements!

Your DP. It just sounds like you haven’t got the energy for that issue at the moment. I think if you create that space for yourself you might find the energy to deal with that too.

Ultimately it’s about putting your foot down and putting yourself FIRST.

Short notice weekends and hosting needs to stop.
If your dm says I'm coming tomorrow, you say, I have plans, what about x date. A date in the future that suits you.
Don't tell her your plans, just you have somethings on.

Another example....if you were thinking of going for an outdoors trip that day and your parents show up you need to tell them, 'you can stay for ten minutes but we're going out soon'. And start putting on your shoes in ten minutes!

Or even tell them, 'sorry, you can't come by, we're going out in half an hour.' It will feel like you are being rude because you are not used to saying 'no' but everyone will get used to the new status quo quickly.
As for you DH.. I think that is a whole other post!

To add, I still haven’t got anyone looking out for me. But I have the peace and time to relax and at least look out for myself, very pleasant it is too ….

You desperately need to take some time out as you are burning out. I felt like this 2 months ago. Everyone so needy from all directions. I felt like my head was going to explode. The chronis stress was leading to anxiety which I've never had before. I stopped answering the phone, stopped answering the door, asked my DP to leave me alone for a few weeks which he did (besides some living and supportive texts and calls). The few weeks of stepping back was bliss. You need to recharge - its VITAL. I am now back to being the strong, coping person I was before. Do it OP! You sound like your craving peace and quiet and order. You'll be no good to anyone unless you take care of of yourself first.

I also think WhatPollyWants said about your childhood has fed into your inability to stand up to others is pertinent. Your needs have probably always come last, and it will take a while to develop a different mindset.

Distance! You are at a crossroads at the moment but there may be an opportunity here to set yourself up as you want to live going forward.

And I say that as someone who made some life changing decisions to sort out my life. I was both the scapegoat and the 'fixer ' in my family of origin. I would be used and abused at the same time. When my DM decided to leave husband number two to run off with husband number three to be , that was my opportunity to break away from my dysfunctional family. It was also the point to get away from my emotionally abusive husband. I divorced, bought a house in an area away from both and started again with my DD. There were also a lot of 'friends' who disappeared.

I'm making it sound very decisive and black and white, it was quite a painful process, but it has worked out very well in the end.

If you become less available and have a clear vision of what you will and won't accept other people around you either adapt or flounce off. Not sure what your circumstances are but a big move is the perfect excuse to put in boundaries. It sounds like your needy family and husband are over-reliant on you. You are probably the strong resourceful one, you don't need to sacrifice yourself for their inadequacies. It's not selfish, it's basic self care. The only dependents you have are your children.

Totally agree with @TalanaTey. YOU are looking out for you. It has to be this way. Self care all the way OP. Dont rely on anyone else for it. You got this.

For today if it's as nice as it is here, grab your kids and get outside. The day is not over so do something you enjoy. Don't worry about your parents. They are adults and can be left home alone.
As for your 'd'h, work on get those ducks in a row. You will feel so much better when he is no longer there. You will ha e much more control over your food and therefore your health.
As for cleaning, maybe say to your mum if she insists on coming over, she can do xy & z while you are out. It might be enough to stop her just popping over

I hope Olafscat comes back to read these responses but she's probably too busy fetching tea for someone else!

Thanks all.
I feel guilty now as DM took me out for a meal, just us and paid for it.

I definitely need to reinstate some boundaries. It's difficult as DM always says to continue our plans as normal and she will just slot in but it's really just not as easy as that. I ask for specific times etc but she says she can't give them and will arrive when she arrives.

I'm definitely the strong and stable one of the family and so everyone seems to rely on me and expect, expect, expect. I have told my DM and DF politely that I'm finding the expectations very difficult.

Stopping answering the phone would be a great start. I just want sone peace and a bit of space. She called me 4 times on her way to my house with several updates as to where she was and I was on a day out with my kids assuming we would see her later. She then drove to where we were and I missed her calls to say she had arrived. I felt guilty and it all felt very stressful.

Even just having visitors in my house is stressful. My kids are obviously loud and excitable and it just doesn't make for a restful weekend.

I've made a start on boundaries by telling everyone that we're not having anyone here for Christmas this year but need to work more on the weekend visits.

It's a good start olafscat. Letting people know that you need some space is important. If they're worth they're salt they'll totally understand. I rarely invite anyone to my house at the moment, it's my safe, quiet little haven away from the worlds problems for me and my child and we like it that way. We all need a sanctuary to replenish in. Rest as much as you can. A french girl I once lived with believed that we each have a finite amount of 'life energy' within us, it depletes as we give energy out so we have to take time to replenish it. I think she was right. It's impossible to give, give, give. You need to recharge, regroup, revitalise!

" I rarely invite anyone to my house at the moment, it's my safe, quiet little haven away from the worlds problems for me and my child and we like it that way. "

I feel much the same way at the moment @specialsauce

Just do what you’ve planned to do.
If it’s cleaning, leave her in front of the TV and clean. If you’d planned to go out, leave her at home and go out.
She’ll soon decide that she’s either happy with that, or that she might as well go back to her mum’s.
You should just do you, don’t worry about anyone else.

It's really painful sometimes, isn't it? I sometimes wonder about when someone last asked me a question that was to do with me and not about work/where something is/can I pay for x.

One evening I tried not starting conversations with DP, just to see if he spoke to me, if he started a conversation. He didn't.

I think self care is the answer @ChampagneCommunist as nobody is going to look out for us.

I have made some changes already following on from this post and some fantastic responses.

-I've not spoken to DM as much on the phone.
-Told her I'm unavailable the next weekend she intends to visit and suggested alternative dates.

• Stopped feeling guilty about my grandmother and made it my mother's responsibility to bring her to my house next time she visits instead of leaving her at home all alone. I'm actually really upset that this has been taken out on me when I'm the one with young DCs and a busy life/job and nobody has questioned why my mum stays at my grandmother's house and never brings her along to visit us when she comes. I've told my grandmother that my mum will bring her to my house next time she visits and left it at that.

-I've treated myself to a half spa day since this last post and made use of my gym membership to sit in the jacuzzi.

I know my mum will start guilt tripping me soon as she apparently still intends to visit my grandmother and sister on the weekend I'm unavailable. I'm pretty sure I'll get the "just half an hour" blah blah, but I'm going to stand my ground.

Haven't seen my Dad in 3 weeks which has been great as his car has broken down. Already though, I'm worrying how to fit in his next visit, which I really don't enjoy or look forward to.

Setting boundaries is the easy part whereas maintaining them is difficult. Once those around you understand that you are sticking to the boundaries they will hopefully learn to respect them and you. Good luck