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Relationships

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Original poster

Is one year enough to decide?

16 replies

rorymai · 10/10/2021 11:59

I’ve been dating a guy for a bit more than a year
He’s 10 years older than me and he has been divorced for 5 years and has a kid of 7 years. As for me, it's my first long term relationship

At first, everything was perfect - he would spend a day per week with his kid, which didn’t bother me at all, plan his holidays with me, we spent quality time together, traveled a lot, etc
Then, 4 months ago, we moved in at my place, but even though it looked like we were getting more and more serious, he didn’t (and still doesn’t) talk about our future together or our plans (except for holidays).
I thought we just needed more time, I told him I loved him, but he didn’t say it back, he just said he cared a lot about me. So obviously he doesn’t love me. And again, I decided to give it some time. At the same time, he is 100% caring, supportive, he spends almost all the time with me, always ready to be there for me - a perfect boyfriend. All this caring actually feels like love for me. So I’m experiencing a real dissonance.
So yesterday he had to stay at his exes place with his kid and I felt so lonely and excluded. He didn't even ask if it was okay with me, even though I would never be against him spending time with his child, but I would appreciate at least talking about his staying for a night there. He’s never mentioned that he is going to introduce me to the kid either.

I don’t know where this point is when there is no use in waiting for him to be ready. One year doesn’t seem to be that much, but I’m tired of feeling like that :( I treat him as my family, I’d like to get married and have kids one day but looks like we are not on the same page yet

Once I told him I felt like a rebound girl sometimes, but he answered that he never treated me like that

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 12:21

Ask him to move the hell out !?

why is he living with you already..

DPotter · 10/10/2021 12:27

Trust your gut.

Tell him to move out

StarCourt · 10/10/2021 12:29

If he's living with you but you've never met his child does he not have them for over nights?

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 10/10/2021 12:30

Was there any reason behind him moving into yours? If so, and it was anything other than progressing the relationship and spending more time together, I would be unsure of his long term commitment and wondering whether this was convenient for him.

For me it's the fact that he didn't acknowledge you when planning to spend a night at his ex's (not suggesting theres anything untoward going on but it's definitely something you'd discuss with a partner first). Also I think it's odd that he has seen fit to move in with you but not integrate you into his family life in some way by introducing the DC.

litterbird · 10/10/2021 12:34

In hindsight it was probably best to have sorted all this out before him moving in. Never the less, to me it sounds like he is still not properly resolved over the divorce. Love actually may frighten him a bit and not saying it might just be defence mechanism just in case he is hurt again. You are not fully a part of his life, he really needs to move back out again and sort this out to make you feel loved and wanted and needed in all of his life not just some of it.

Loveshelly · 10/10/2021 12:34

Sounds like you are a convenient place to live.
Why would you move in with someone who doesn’t say they love you!!?

Housebuy · 10/10/2021 12:35

Been there and it sounds like he doesn't see a proper future with you, hence no conversations about the future or introducing you to his child etc. Or you are moving at different paces and not compatible. I was/am very similar to you OP and decided to live my own life in the end.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2021 12:39

He doesn't stay over at his exs house though right?
I mean, that would be taking the piss.

Owlink · 10/10/2021 13:04

If you haven't met his child in a year, during which time he's moved in with you, I'd say you're not really a big part of his life. He's using you. It might not be deliberate on his part but still, it's not the relationship I think you hoped for.

Dery · 10/10/2021 14:14

“If you haven't met his child in a year, during which time he's moved in with you, I'd say you're not really a big part of his life. He's using you. It might not be deliberate on his part but still, it's not the relationship I think you hoped for.”

This.

updownroundandround · 10/10/2021 17:04

I agree 100% with PP's who are saying that it's way too soon to be living together !

He hasn't said he loves you............

He hasn't introduced you to his DC..............

He won't discuss your 'future' together except for holidays

Basically, it seems that moving in with you is simply 'convenient' for him ??

You need to tell him to move out again pronto !

Continue the relationship if you wish (though it seems very one sided from what you've written in your post), but keep your financial and emotional 'independence' !

Viddy2021 · 10/10/2021 18:18

I agree with PP and I'd also point out that you used the word 'kid' three times and never 'son' or 'daughter'...this doesn't bode well after a year, speaking about the child of the person you love and live with. Is your attitude part of the reason he hasn't brought his son or daughter to your home and is seeing them at his exs?

Opentooffers · 10/10/2021 19:19

You lost me at being divorced for 5 years but still staying overnight at his ex's house!!! That should of rung alarm bells, he's still not independent of her and she is not done with him - if she was, no way would she want him there overnight. The first time you became aware of this once a week arrangement should of had you running for the hills.
Doesn't even look like he's moved to yours so he can have a convenient base to see his DC, as he hasn't exploited that opportunity. This shows that he doesn't see you as a long term thing. Does his ex even know about you?
Overall, they are both holding onto their baggage, I can't see any future BF of hers being happy with him staying over either.

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 10/10/2021 19:21

Viddy she might just want to keep the specifics to a minimum on here

PearLime · 10/10/2021 19:23

Your expectations are reasonable IMO.

And you're not getting what you want from this relationship.

So ditch him.

TheChip · 10/10/2021 19:25

Yeah, he is just using you.

Just look at his child and you can see that is clear.
He has a place (your place) where he could have more contact with his child, and even overnights. If you'd allow it, which I'm sure you would.
All he needs to do is introduce you two, but he isn't. He is avoiding it so much he is spending a night at his ex wife's home.

Its not great that he only sees his child one day a week either, unless work prevents him from having more. But since you have holidays together...that's also time he could choose to spend more time with his child, but he isn't.

He sounds extremely selfish.

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