Hi,
I guess I just feel I need some other perspective as I’m so miserable and feel every day is the same cycle.
Fiancé and I and 1 year old DS. I had PND when he was born due to DP not having paternity leave so every day from day 1 was me by myself, whilst trying to recover from stitches and process the massive life change a baby is. He started a new job a couple of days before DS was born. I spent mornings before he went to work breaking down and begging him not to go but his response was, ‘I have to go to work’. No familial support near, he didn’t tell his work I was even pregnant until the last minute, despite my asking him to as he feared he would be ‘backsquadded’ (Police Officer) and didn’t discuss with anyone about what was happening after the birth to see if there was anything that could be done.
I thought it was usual ‘baby blues’ but after I ended up a panicky, anxious, constantly tearful and wanting to not be here anymore mess, it was obviously something else. I did have sertraline for a while and they referred me to some video chat talking group with other women which didn’t work around my shifts (Prison Officer) so I couldn’t do it, nor was that really suited to me. I guess maybe it was never properly treated.
He behaved like a child himself during this time which didn’t help; leaving washing on the floor, wearing multiple clothes in the same day but leaving them all out, thinks farting is funny even though I’ve asked him to leave the room and not do it around me. The shifts of his job, whilst stuck in the house with COVID restrictions also contributed massively. He was off sick at one point due to effects of my PND and said he’d use it to look for another job but did nothing at all and when broached just replied, ‘I’ve got another week to look, I’ll see’ etc.
Now, we never see each other due to shifts and I’m so lonely. I spend evenings by myself when he’s working nights or I come in from work to him not being there as he’s already left for work. Or if he is here, it may only be for a couple of hours so everything is rushed.
For context, he left the same job as me where we could’ve shared parental leave and had the same weekend off together, now he has 1 weekend off in 4 which is mine in work. Everything I do with DS is basically as a single parent, family time is rare or needs annual leave to have. My rest days from work are spent solely looking after DS with no time for me (he’s incredible but toddlers are hard work!) so I basically feel I exist - sleep, work and be a mum. We also rarely have sex which is hard for me as it’s something I value to maintain a relationship and if we do, it’s about 5 minutes with nothing pleasant for me.
He’s really tight with money to the extreme too. I understand not wanting to get into financial difficulty but he refuses to entertain the idea of anything ‘fun’. No couple time off an evening out somewhere, the idea of spending time together is going shopping for food together, nor a willingness to enter into a discussion about planning a holiday. It’s not a, how can we make this work, it’s a flat no, we’re not affording that.
We were meant to get married and I received some money from an Ombudsman complaint which we could have put towards a low key wedding but instead, he came up with excuses about how it was still too expensive and we’d have to sit down and work it out (after already doing so) to put it off.
I try and explain how I feel and what we could work on but he immediately goes on the defensive and says I can’t call him a c6&t and then expect him to run up my arse. I feel he’s changed since starting the job too - language he uses or how he reacts to me when I’m feeling low and trying to explain.
I feel so unattractive, not valued and so miserable. I’m just floating through life. My son is everything to me and I’m proud to see how well he’s doing but I feel there’s nothing in life I’m achieving aside from putting my all into my son. Does this get better or am I just prolonging the inevitable? Thank you for reading