I Was in the Wrong- How to Move Forward

[Jampolyroly]

I want to start by saying I do realise my behaviour was wrong, and I don't blame him for being pissed off.

My partner has been working a job he absolutely hates during the day and doing a 2nd job most evenings...on those days he's doing about 13 hours. He got the 2nd job because while we can jointly cover all our bills as a household, he has a few things to pay off separately and wanted more spending money- this was what I was under the impression of.

Yesterday was my baby shower. Turns out he'd given my friend a fair chunk of money to cover things, and my best friend who lives away who had originally not been able to come turned up...he'd driven to get her especially. I was obviously over the moon and feel so lucky.

While I had my baby shower he went for drinks with his mate. They'd set a £30 budget and he was going to get the train home or I was going to get him if it was before DD was in bed.

He ended up missing his train. I'd been made aware of how much he'd spent and while super grateful was mortified because he has a debt due this coming week and knew if he spent out on a taxi he'd not have enough to pay it.

I woke DD and went and collected him...he was absolutely smashed (I don't begrudge him...he's been working hard)...but I ended up double parking and was really anxious about where I was. Once he knew I was there he took a while to come out and I was agitated. He got in the car and he asked if I was pissed off- I said I wasn't overjoyed at ending up coming out but didn't say too much as he was so drunk.

He went off on one. Rightly so along the lines of..."after all the money and effort I've spent on you and you make me feel this? Do you know how much I want to kick off right now?? Go live with my sister?? Fuck you"

At home once DD was in bed he was yelling at me. I tried to apologise as I hadn't meant to come across as ungrateful...I was just tired and maybe hormonal? Turns out he's lost his 2nd job from not being able to work as he was picking my friend up instead, he's spent all the money he's earnt so can't pay his debt (I will now have to pay this), he's so frustrated he wants to smash the house up, noones made him feel as small as I did when I picked him up, how I don't appreciate him, I'm incapable of tidying our house (I'm no domestic goddess), my friend who he picked up didn't stay long enough for the time and money it took him to go get her and how fucked off he was, and that she'd told him about when I was engaged to DDs DF (my ex) I'd not been given a ring (he knew this) and mocking me about it (it happened 6 years ago). Even said he was jealous that I'd agreed to marry such a twat who couldn't give me a ring but I was grumpy with him after all the time and effort he'd spent on me.

I apologised profusely as I swear I didn't mean to seem ungrateful but can absolutely see why he felt how he did. We eventually went to bed and he sort of shrugged and "accepted" my apology. But how do we move forward now? Everything feels different. Sorry for the essay.

Erm he made a string of bad and stupid decisions....
losing a job you as a family need to pick up your friend is utterly moronic (if true.. i have my doubts).
Where has all the rest of the cash gone? If he smashed ot on balloons and tat for a babyshower instead of responsibly paying bills and debts that's a second crap decison.

A man with a child and pregnant wife alongside debts should be to critically think and understand either the baby shower needs to change date or just be cancelled because they are pointless for your first let alone second child

You arent in the wrong at all here beyond putting up with his nonsense. Do not let him blame you for this mess.

He shouldn’t have paid for a baby shower over a debt. He shouldn’t have compromised a job to pick up your friend (if that even happened). He shouldn’t have got so drunk he missed his train. He shouldn’t have left you waiting in the middle of the night, heavily pregnant, with a young child in the car. He shouldn’t have asked if you were pissed off if he didn’t want to know the answer. He shouldn’t have yelled or threatened to smash anything. He shouldn’t have been cruel about you and your ex. He shouldn’t have made you feel at fault.

There’s a pattern OP. You didn’t ask for or expect the seemingly good things he did for you and he’s wholly responsible for the bad ones.

Does he often make you think you’re wrong?

You're not in the wrong.

He is irresponsible and expects you to be grateful and put back together the things that he ruins.

Do you honestly, truly, deep down, in your heart of hearts, believe you were in the wrong?

How are you this morning OP? I think I would have put baby back in the car and left and gone to your sister. Speaking to a drunk rarely finishes well. He had probably been drinking because of everything it never makes it better and now he has drunk money he could have spent paying the debt off. Instead of giving him the money I would give him the money for the baby shower no more /use it for the debt. The rest he chose to waste.
While he is sleeping it off I would be cleaning. Not because of the comment but because cleaning is so much better when you are mad, you get more done and then you end up with a clean house which will make you feel a bit smug.
I would keep my finances separate. You can have a joint account too for the house hold but keep the rest separate. He is someone that isn’t managing well then blaming you, from my experience he won’t change. Keeping your own money means you always have a nest egg and a way out of you ever want it.

He’s lost a job, he’s spent money he didn’t have that you then need to pay back, he’s got his pregnant partner out late at night picking him up whilst absolutely hammered and he’s verbally abused and threatened you. He’s done an absolute number on you to have you thinking this is your fault. He sounds absolutely awful.

I would be pretty suss about the reason he's lost his second job

I had one like this. He's got you tied up in knots op. I'll bet this is not isolated to this incident

Thank you so much for your replies everyone.

To clarify- the wording was basically meaning did I understand how much he wanted to just go and stay with his sister. I never suggested it.

I had wanted a shower- it came up when we were with our friends (another couple- she offered to plan it, her partner was who my DP went out with). She planned it (and it was lovely) and then she'd invoiced DP...they hadn't discussed a budget first and when I'd been asked if I wanted one, I'd been honest and said "if it was possible I'd love one but not a big thing at all- small and fuss free just to celebrate baby with very very nearest and dearest".

He doesn't have form- he barely drinks or goes out. He does a lot around the house, is very attentive and a devoted Step Dad. I don't believe he would smash anything reflecting on it. It really upset me he said it though because I have some not very nice ex partners.

His 2nd job isn't a contract. The guy he works for has form for being flakey and if you don't do something he wants when he wants he'll do things like cut your shifts etc.

DP has woken up and apologised a lot. He's apologised to DD. We've spoken...I acknowledged how frustrated he was but that his words last night were beyond acceptable. Your messages helped me articulate it. He's actually mortified now I've told him what he brought up and how it came across.

My post was because I hadn't slept from feeling upset and blaming myself. I hate arguments (who doesn't) and I hate aftermath. I never like to discuss with my friends or family because often you get to sort through your issues and forgive each other but others who are told about it don't get that.

I'm super grateful for everyone's input.

You have to pay his debt now? Pardon?! No way! Presumably you’ll be on maternity pay soon so this all sounds like awful decision making on his part. Op, you seem really apologetic for something this isn’t your fault!

You would be well rid. As if he lost his job for picking up your friend. How utterly stupid would you have to be to do that? Especially when you have debts.

Darling I promise you are not in the wrong here. He's behaving like a twat, what the hell was he doing pissing money he doesn't have up the wall then blaming you for the mess he finds himself in. To then shout at you for it is insane. I'd be reconsidering this relationship I think.

Your update may change how you feel about it all, OP, but personally I think it's just the standard next stage in the cycle. Too many women with complete arseholes telling us how lovely they are and what great dads.

To add- our finances are and will continue to be separate until he's paid off everything he owes and shown he can budget like a sensible person.

And yes I did blame myself a fair bit because I could see that the effort he'd gone to and money he'd spent (stupidly, really...not that I'm not grateful but I am frustrated it's not gone on the sensible thing), and then to be greeted by my face looking like a slapped arse grumbling about being tired and double parked. I can see how that would get someone's back up, drunk or not.

Hi OP

I'm glad you feel better this morning. I just wanna say that I was in an abusive relationship and what you've done is exactly what I did repeatedly..

Reach out, say I was hurt, confused and scared, then when the relief of him being nice hit...tell everyone I'd been overreacting, list all his good points etc

I meant every word at the time.

But I am mentioning this since to me the abrupt, "thanks folks its all now actually fine" is something I recognise and I know you sincerely want things to be OK, but I'm not sure they are.

Oh wow, your friend invoiced your dp for arranging the baby shower? Like a fee for event management? Or was it covering expenses?

My ex was like this, and it was one giant head fuck.

He was SO nice to everyone. He would help anyone.
To me, he would do anything for me, grand gestures etc.

However, he would also lie, get into debt, and literally throw a tantrum if I tried to get him to curb his spending.
It was so confusing. I felt that I should forgive the bad stuff because of all the marvelous things he did for me.
But it was manipulation, and there were always strings attached.

Picking your friend up (etc) does NOT buy him the right to verbally abuse you.

I will pay the debt (£150) for the deadline but I will expect every penny back. And I've made this clear this morning...I am serious about that and he knows it. His pride is pretty wounded but that's his issue to work on right now.

How much was he asked to pay for the baby shower? Daft not to agree an approximate budget.

Your friend invoiced your dp?! Jesus

It sounds like he's sobered up and done/said the right things. But I would advise you to stay alert. Domestic abuse often starts during pregnancy. And the torrent of abuse he spewed at you and your daughter is unacceptable for any reason, let alone coming out to pick him up from a bender and being a bit grumpy about it.

In all honesty, the replies on here have clicked something in me. I was too scared to post on AIBU because I've seen similar where I imagined I'd be ripped to shreds for being ungrateful.

However, the amount of replies putting things in clear perspective have helped me articulate how I feel about last night, and what is not acceptable again.

Things do feel better this morning now he's apologised and we've spoken, but I have brought up very fair points you guys have made. I've made clear while I'm sorry for coming across ungrateful, his reaction was unacceptable and I will not stand for it again. This was 1 time and in the cold light of day I can openly tell him I won't stand by for that again. I have 2 children to think about now and he needs to think about how he's come across.

My parents are round the corner, so if (and I sincerely hope it never happens again) he reacts like this again, even if I am frustrating, I will go there and that will be it.

He went to pick your sister up knowing he'd lose his job.HE did that not you.

Baby Shower Invoice- it was over £100. It was such a lovely afternoon but I'm not completely sure how...
It was for the things not the planning. Sounds like he actually did a lot of the actual logistical planning.

I think it does sound like drunken ranting in the main and like he accepts he was in the wrong, and the being that drunk was unusual.

Occasionally my DH says stuff that he just does not mean (and I know it) when he's in a foul mood - I file it under 'angry bullshit' and forget about it.

It sounds like OP has handled aftermath well and he's responded decently - the proof will be in the pudding though, because it shouldn't happen again and he should not bring up this scenario in future when he wants to vent.

I’m going to get flamed but I think you’re in the wrong. He was drunk, pissed that he lost his job trying to organise something nice for you. You are a couple and you knew he had his own debts. He’s been responsible getting two jobs , working 13 hours a day, helping you child, doing his share around the house. You don’t do much or do as much as you could around the house. Got a lovely shower ( which I totally disagree with. I view them as grabby and entitled ) he got your friend unexpectedly there for you, paid for it all and probably forked our more than he thought, then when he was ready to come home your grumpy arse had a go at him?! Yes discussions whilst drunk are usually best forgotten, but he was all sorts of hurt and upset. And now you’re demanding he pay every penny of the £150 back to you?? Despite the fact that your carrying HIS baby, and he spent money for you to celebrate this? Despite the fact that you will both benefit from any baby gifts that you got during the shower?? You seem entitled and grabby. I’d be upset with you as well. I would definitely go against the grain here and instead of massaging YOUR ego, I’d say he sounds otherwise like a good guy trying his best to provide for all of you. Give yourself a good shake. Drunk happens. Arguments happen. If your first thought is to load YOUR child in the car and leave him to ‘think about what he’s done’ I reckon he’s better off without you .