How to go no contact with abusive sibling

[Hueandcry]

I have decided to go nc with my abusive sibling but I cannot get my mother to understand this. She keeps talking to me about my sibling & saying she wishes we would 'get on'. Any ideas how I can get her to stop & to understand my wishes?

Hmm just don’t speak to them? Your mum will get bored eventually, I haven’t spoken to my sister in almost 2 years, my dad did use to mention her a lot but I changed the subject or made it clear I wouldn’t change my mind he eventually got bored and doesn’t mention her at all now

End the conversation - honestly

I'm nc with my sister and at first my mum was like this too and so I politely but firmly would say "I am not interested in talking about or hearing about her so either stop or I will have to leave/end the phone call"

And I followed through when necessary

I was also very clear I didn't want her telling my sister anything about me or dd

It's sometimes a matter of time. My advice is to not respond to any mentions of your sibling...literally say nothing. Change the subject or leave the room...

@Hueandcry

I have decided to go nc with my abusive sibling but I cannot get my mother to understand this. She keeps talking to me about my sibling & saying she wishes we would 'get on'. Any ideas how I can get her to stop & to understand my wishes?

This is very much my situation. Increasingly I find myself on the sidelines of my own family, because I will only tolerate her in few situations that feel unavoidable. I find myself not invited and not included as default now

She is smarting currently because she has realised that I completely ignore her existence and she can no longer manipulate and abuse me

One of the exceptions I make is for Christmas, because I won't make my elderly DM choose.

Fucking dreading it. She is bringing a new man to dinner. She has bigged him up to Mum, being a massive liar, none of the exaggerated brags she has made to DM about him actually check out.

I will find it really difficult to not challenge the bullshit as he crosses over with a couple of areas of my expertise and therefore I know it's all smoke and mirrors, but I also can't be rude to a man I've never met in my DMs house on Christmas.

My advice? Slip away slowly. No dramatic announcements, just avoidance. My sister didn't notice for 5 years. If you cause a drama it becomes a big issue needlessly.

I have basically innoculated myself from her toxicity

Toxicity is a great description. It pervades into the whole family, nieces, nephews, cousins etc. I haven't made an announcement just decided quietly on my own to do this but my Mother cannot see past my sibling and talks about them to me endlessly.

MySisterTotallyIs can I ask how you tolerate/manage your feelings about being excluded? I am NC with a toxic sibling and I am constantly excluded from family stuff and it hurts so much. Particularly because I am NC due to a very public, very awful thing she did to me that everyone knows about and agrees was awful.

That must be awful for you. Feeling excluded really hurts but every time I have contact with them I end up upset & humiliated so perhaps exclusion is better for me in the long run.

To those unaware there is a long running series of threads on here regarding toxic families

Basically "but we took you to stately homes"

The name comes from way back when either the op or another early poster got that response from their toxic parent/s

It's far more common than you realise cos people don't talk about it in real life for obvious reasons

Another useful site is

outofthefog.website

Lots of advice and support there too

I have severe mh issues and when talking to therapists etc they say this type of family is really very common just people don't talk openly about it

I'll admit I don't irl either

Family and a few local friends know I am nc with my sister but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell old friends that are mutual friends as ime those in "normal" families plain don't get it!

"But she's your sister/faaaaamily" crap

Not everyone has loving, supportive family yet those who do are very poor ime at acknowledging that.

@broccolibush

MySisterTotallyIs can I ask how you tolerate/manage your feelings about being excluded? I am NC with a toxic sibling and I am constantly excluded from family stuff and it hurts so much. Particularly because I am NC due to a very public, very awful thing she did to me that everyone knows about and agrees was awful.

Don't get me wrong, it's not easy, aspects of it are very challenging.

I recently confronted my DM about how when my sister sits there being obviously a massive bitch to me, no one supports me and I'm just expected to take it, which makes me feel its condoned. She was shamefaced but nothing changed.

The post yesterday did resonate because Mum sent me pictures of family DC and I asked were they were taken and was told Posh Restaurant, Nice Area and internally I was like "and fucking hell where was my invite?"

But I had to reframe and say what would that experience have actually consisted of?

Nice food in a nice restaurant

With side orders of :

Extremely false saccharin tone of voice
Deliberate Rudeness
Cutting me off
Jumping down my throat
"Proving me wrong" which is essentially ranting about things I know about and she doesn't.
Sighing, rolling eyes, tutting, if I so much dare to fucking breathe

So in a lot of ways the bet aint worth the hand.

And I know she'll be winding DM and saying that its my fault I am "losing out"

But REFRAME brocolli what are you "losing out" on a nice meal or a load of fucking aggro were you cant enjoy yourself for walking on eggshells ?

@Hueandcry

Toxicity is a great description. It pervades into the whole family, nieces, nephews, cousins etc. I haven't made an announcement just decided quietly on my own to do this but my Mother cannot see past my sibling and talks about them to me endlessly.

Yes I also find it pervasive. I moved away for a couple of years and couldn't get home for Christmas. I don't have proof, but I feel quite confident that I was maligned in my absence.

The thing with my aunties, uncles and cousins though is that they are all adults and can make their own mind up and so if they follow Toxic Sister it says far more about their behaviour than mine.

I did try to dip into the Stately Homes thread but felt it was a place where long running posters all knew each other & I didn't feel I belonged 🤷‍♀️

I had that experience with more than one username I also felt the way I was choosing to go about things was attacked as being "wrong" - all anyone can do for the best is what works for their circumstances