I'm unsure

[Paul72]

I’m sort of struggling and I don’t know anyone in real life who I can ask for advice so I thought here might be a safe place to ask.
I’m married and I love my wife, but she has changed a lot. She is in the early stages of dementia and is not the person I met and fell in love with, but I’ll never leave her. She needs me to help her with so many things, I need to give her tablets every day, if I don’t do it she does not remember. I have to help her to the toilet and often clean up after her. I don’t mind but I miss nice chats and fun. Most days she wants to go to bed early, and by early I mean 4 or 5 o’clock. This leaves me with a long evening virtually alone.
Would I be really out of order to go out on a “date” with another lady? I was bored one day and joined a dating site and there is a lady who I have messaged a few times. Would it be bad to ask her out for a meal?

I’m totally confused, I want so nice friendly company but I am so confused.

And who exactly will be attending to your wife should she need a drink / a wee/ some company/ medication / a snack / some reassurance / clean bedding / clean pyjama/ extra blanket / light on / off ... shall I go on ?

While you go out on a date with a lady you as a married man have already started talking to ?

Hmm I would say that joining a meetup.com group to make friends and for company would be a better place to start if you are lonely. Bumble app also does friendships.

If you are dating then there is intention to cheat. And potential to make the woman feel used.
I don't want to be the moral police, if you decide to date again I understand why. And I'm sure it's not something you have decided on lightly. But if you do genuinely just miss company, why not seek friends instead?

How old are you and your wife if you don't mind me asking please ?

I think you need some help here, is there any home help available for your wife? This is a lot of responsibility for one person, and not a healthy way for you to live either.

Personally it depends - I think if your wife isn't who you married, and you don't want to be together in a relationship but you still love her, you need to separate the love you have for her and your relationship you used to have.

I would take yourself off of the relationship website, and don't meet up with anyone just yet. Look for a local club perhaps or hobby in your area, you may be able to find friendship there (without romance) whilst you navigate what your relationship with your wife will become.

What a sad situation.

Would your wife understand you are out with another lady ? Would she be able to accept someone coming in to help her while you are out ? Are you going for a physical relationship with this lady you have been talking to? Does she know you are married ?

I left this for a while while I sorted out my thoughts. I'll not be going on any date. I am 74 and so is my wife. It was a crazy idea and thanks for all the comments that helped me see sense.

Sorry that you're in this situation OP. Sending warm wishes and hope you can find some nice company somewhere.

I really feel for you as it must be awful to see the person you love slowly disappearing :(

Have you looked into dementia friends? Or sought carer support in your area? Your gp should be able to tell you about admiral nurses, who are specifically for dementia, although can be variable in how helpful the input is. Don't feel bad for having needs which are now unmet, but do seek support for you

As a carer it is so difficult for you, watching someone with dementia is cruel - you are grieving for the person she used to be. No one would judge or disrespect how lonely your world must be.
Do you have any family/friends ?
Have you thought about getting some care in so you can have a break?
It sounds like you could do with talking to someone - Age UK, Alzheimers society, carers hub.
These organistaions could point you in the right direction to meet like minded people that are carers too.
Even though your wife has dementia it would be dishonest to go on a date - she is still your wife.

Hi op. I think that as long as your wife is being cared for and doesn't know and as long as whoever you're dating also knows, then I don't see the harm.
There will likely be women who are close married to a spouse with dementia who you would have a lot on common with.

I know a few people whose husbands had dementia to an extent that they didn't recognise anyone or very few people. I would have been supportive of them seeking help, comfort and another relationship whilst they were caring for their spouse. It is tough but not your fault and life is for living.