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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mental abuse need out

29 replies

brownandreal · 09/10/2021 18:40

Hi I'm in the south east London area and I'm being mentally abused by him. Im staying in his flat with my two children and have done my hosusng form months ago but still waiting to hear back.. Help? what are my options and how can I get housing to hurry up.

OP posts:
Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 18:41

housing

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/10/2021 19:08

How old and what Sex are your DC? Leaving via a refuge is an option, no one should stay where they are being abused and your DC shouldn't have to witness it.

Thanks
category12 · 09/10/2021 19:16

As far as I know, you should be given a banding and then you "bid" for properties on a homefinder website with that banding, and if you're the most appropriate candidate you get the property. They're not going to just contact you and give you a house.

Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:20

i know there not just going to contact me and give me a house. I'm not that silly. I'm guessing you live outside London in a place that is easier to get a banding. I'm saying my application aint even been looked at yet and it was done 6 months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:22

I'm a female. I think a refugee is what its going to have to be but i really was putting it off as i have a 8 year old and 16 year old. Also as a child i went threw something that really makes me want to stay away from a refugee x

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/10/2021 19:23

Are you phoning them/going to the offices regularly?

Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:23

I'm 36

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 09/10/2021 19:24

You might have to wait years. They will consider you suitably housed. How about private rental? Or as a pp said - get into a refuge and you'll be housed from there.

Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:24

My 8 year old is a boy and 16 year old is a girl

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 09/10/2021 19:25

Oh I see you have a 16 year old. Refuges won't take males over about 14 I think

ftw163532 · 09/10/2021 19:26

Have you told anyone you're experiencing domestic abuse?

Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:26

My 16 year old is a girl

OP posts:
Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:28

I spoke to woman aid today and they gave me some advice on numbers to call. One wont be open till 8am tomorrow so ill call them then and the other one not till Monday morning. Both places should be able to give me advice on what i do about housing

OP posts:
MC68 · 09/10/2021 19:28

Contact a refuge & go there asap. Show your kids that it’s not ok for a person to mentally abuse another & it’s stronger to leave than stay.
I would contact housing first thing Monday & check they received your application & explain the serious situation & you need urgent help now.
Get the refuge to help with all this too if you go to one before Monday (& I really hope you do).

MC68 · 09/10/2021 19:29

Sorry. Cross posts. You sound like you’re on it 👍🏻

Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:30

I've phones alot and even put in a complaint and was told that mine was a priority to be looked at by the housing officer. That was a month ago. I think ill go to there office Monday. Maybe face to face is better

OP posts:
Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:33

Yes as far as womens aid were saying i need to tell them im being abused which is what ill do Monday and then they have to help. I cant private rent because the places here are so pricey. It just is not an option. I was just wondering if anyone on here had been threw the same thing and had any tips

OP posts:
Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:36

I contacted womens aid about refuge this evening and there was none in my area so i could get to work. I have to try again in the morning

OP posts:
Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:39

It is also soooo easy to say just get out but when someone is in your head its really not that easy. That's why i was hoping to speak to someone who has been threw the same

OP posts:
MC68 · 09/10/2021 19:41

I have.
Definitely now tell council about the Domestic Abuse etc.
If they offer you a smaller or lager place take it, you can always swap/move again to what you actually need later.
You need to get out of the place you’re in….you’re kids will be being affected by this too, even if you think they aren’t….

poppymaewrite · 09/10/2021 19:42

At the moment, you’re on the general social housing register. That’s no good. What you need to do is get on the homelessness social housing register. Because you’re being abused and you can’t stay where you are, you are legally homeless.

This means that if you ask to speak to the council homelessness team, they should assess you. They will have a duty to get you something for emergency accommodation and then look at getting you into something more long term. Tell them you have kids.

If you contact Shelter, they will do this all for you and explain the law. Google shelter and the area you are in and you should get a number. They are very good!

Good luck.

Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:44

I will def take anything they give me. Thanks

OP posts:
MC68 · 09/10/2021 19:45

Excellent advice Poppymaewrite

Original poster
brownandreal · 09/10/2021 19:46

Thank you so much. I'm really grateful. I have shelters details but by the time I spoke to womans aid to get them it was to late to call. On it first thing in morning. Thanks again

OP posts:
hereforfun · 09/10/2021 20:01

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your situation and hope you and your kids are safe.

I'm in South West London so I know how bad the housing situation is. I've just been housed with my 5 month old after going through the homeless route with the council.

My best advice is going through the homeless route and to contact the council to say your partner is kicking you out and both you and your kids have to be out by the end of next week etc. You'll have to fill out a homeless application on the council's website (whichever borough you're in) and someone will get back to you to assess you. It's quite a long process and you will get placed in a hostel or if you're lucky like I was, you'll get housed in a self contained flat which is basically a studio flat. It took 9 months for me to be housed however there is no way you'll get a council property unless you're able to wait years in your hostel/studio until one is available.

Many councils have a scheme for homeless applicants where they're able to rent privately instead of being offered a council flat. The advantages to this is you don't have to pay a deposit as the council pays this for you, the council usually negotiates a lower amount of monthly rent with the choosen Landlord and that Landlord is happy to accept people who are on UC and other benefits.

The other option is to contact the council and let them know about the abuse. However this only really works if your abuse is known to the police/GP so there's professionals who are able to back up your situation. The council moves quickly when there's a situation with kids involved and a woman is facing abuse but again, they're most likely to place you in a hostel/studio to take you out of that environment and moving forward you'll either be advised by your housing officer to take up private renting or wait a considerable amount of years until you're housed in social housing. (I was told I'd have to wait approximately 7 years in temporary accommodation until I was able to be housed in a council flatShockit's utterly ridiculous.) Either way it is an extremely long situation in which you won't end up with a council flat anytime soon anyway!

Another plus for taking a private property is your hosuing officer will move you from Band D to Band B on the bidding list in hope you'll get a council flat within a few years of living in your private property. Again this is unlikely and you could be waiting up to 5 or so years depending on your location.

Sorry for the long post but please feel free to personal message me on here for more information or any questions and I'd be more than happy to help