His contact with ex-wife

[prawncrackergirl]

My partner was married before we met. They were only married for about 6 months before it ended and she moved back to her home country (NZ). He's always been quite cagey about the actual reasons it ended, just says it didn't work out. This was around 20 years ago.

I know they are still facebook friends, and that they send birthday and Christmas messages to each other.

A few days ago, some magazine thing arrived in the post. I asked him what it was, and he said it was something the ex wife had mentioned, so he got it for her.

Earlier in the year, she sent him a pack of playing cards with Bob Ross on them, because he had been watching the painting programme on TV.

Would this feel weird to you? I seems so small and innocuous, so I can't tell if I'm just being petty by feeling uncomfortable. It makes me think they message each other more than just birthdays and Christmas, that they talk more than he's admitting.

It would feel weird to me. Weird that he isn’t being really open with you and that you don’t even really understand what sort of relationship they have.

I asked him what it was, and he said it was something the ex wife had mentioned, so he got it for her

When did she mention this? At Xmas?

He is giving you bare minimum information on their relationship...
Therefore is lying to you.
It isn't innocent imo...

I would feel odd about it.

I think you can't possibly know if this is weird or not unless you know about the reason they split.
If they realised they were completely incompatible, then I'm sure you would feel better about it.
If they were desperately in love, but she wanted to move back to NZ but he didn't...... Hmmmm

I'm aware that I only have his version of events about their reasons for the break up, but he's never mentioned anything about her wanting to go home, and him not wanting to go with her.

The thing about the magazine must be recent- otherwise, why wait for so long to act on something she mentioned almost a year ago? And the playing cards came in mid-Spring, so not close to birthdays or Christmas. It feels too intimate.

the details are irrelevant ... the deceitfulness is not ...

How long have you both been together? If you've been together long enough to be 'partners' then I would expect much more openness from him than this. I know it's difficult for some people to talk about the past and mistakes they've made but I think this is relevant and impacting on your current relationship. It is definitely weird given the context that you do not know the reason for their split in the first place. He has not told you the whole truth which is suspicious in itself. Only when you know whole truth and the context and the nature of their friendship now, can you really know if this is acceptable to you or not. How would he feel if it was the other way round? As a personal example when I got married, an ex gf of my husband's continued to write long letters to him, in a friendly way just telling him about her new life since she emigrated. She knew he had married and had to politely ask her to stop writing simply because he was not interested in keeping her friendship and he did not feel it was appropriate or respectful to me.