What personality did my emotionally abusive father have? *Title edited by MNHQ*

[TacoTues]

My father is terminally ill. And I'm expected by the family to be at his beck and call it would seem.

Except he emotionally abused me my whole life and I really don't feel like deal with his (literal) shit after nearly 40 years of emotional shit.

I'm about to start (more) therapy to deal with my feelings of guilt that I'm not caring for him and to unravel the life I had growing up.

Problem is I'm not clued up at all on psychology and I wondered if I list what he was like to myself and my mum and others maybe some of you could give me some insights into his personality and things to read?

I know it's a big ask, so thanks to anyone who does read. X

So:

• always wanted to be famous/successful, which he actually did achieve in a few areas. But was never satisfied. Always needed to be MORE successful. More well known.

• My mum was his belonging. Did everything for him. He'd phone when 5 minutes from home so a cup of tea/dinner would be ready. She would also at that point always make sure her make up was ok.

• He would buy me anything I wanted. Especially if it meant he could tell other people he had. As a child/teen I of course was over the moon to be the kid with the beast tech/designer clothes. So thought he was the bees knees.

• He was always ashamed I was overweight though. Tried so many shaming/bribery tactics to try and get me to lose weight. From one Christmas refusing to let me open any presents unless I stood on the scales in front of him. To tell me in sixth form that I didn't want to be remembered as the "fat kid" and he'd give me £1000 if I lost x amount of weight. (Biggest I ever was as a teen was a size 12/14 - but my mum barely eats to stay a size 8/10)

• that was ironic as if mum or I had food on our plate that he liked the look of he'd just take it without asking. So of course I ate super fast and as much as I could at most times.

• if myself or my mum were watching something on TV he didn't like or was annoying him (even from elsewhere in the house) he would turn it off/ shout at us about watching shit.

• I wasn't allowed to make much noise ever. But it would be fine for him to blast tv/music at even 11pm at night to window shaking levels.

• he would make intense friendships with other men in his profession. As he would train/mentor younger people in that industry. If they had children he would give them thousands of pounds in trusts etc. My DC didn't get that treatment. And these men earn much much higher than myself or my DH. (I think it's because it gave him the feeling of having a successful son who thought he was the best 'dad' ever. And I'm his only real child and female)

• he was never shy to hug me or be emotional and tell me how much he loved me. And I did believe him when he did. (Felt for the sake of balance I needed to include that he didn't completely treat me like shit. He was able to emote and love.)

• my mum wouldn't ever confide personal problems in him. And I never did or have either. He would get angry or frustrated if we were struggling emotionally.

Well done if you got this far. I'm sure there's more I will think of. But that's a starter.

Ahh. Typo in the title. How annoying!! Sorry all.

He's an abuser.

I'd say either sociopath or narcissist, they're not much different.

Why do you feel you need a label for him? It might feel comforting to tick off a list of behaviours, but ultimately you can only heal from the abuse by working through it.

And obviously tell your family to get to fuck, you won't be caring for this solid brass arsehole. Get social services involved, it's literally what they're for.

Let’s cut to the chase - he’s an arsehole.

Wanted to keep up with the Jones of this world and be seen to keep up. Wanted to be admired and respected. While not giving a fuck about anyone else but himself and his needs.

That must have sucked for you. And your poor mother, who must have been like a perfect Stepford wife. Wonder what he did to her behind closed doors when she wasn’t perfect.

Contact the social work or whomever can give you advice on his personal care and what they can do for him.

You will be otherwise busy and therefore unable to help (due to work, college, SAHM or whatever it is you do)

If family pull you up about it I’d say I’d love to help but unfortunately I’m busy with xyz and anyway he’d be embarrassed by me doing his personal care and would prefer professionals to do that side of things. And leave it at that.

When you go to counselling you may want to mention to them, that if you are going to say your piece to him about how you felt and how he treated you etc, you’re going to have to do it while he’s still alive.

So that’s be soon. Or you may regret missing the chance.

Or you may be a hundred percent happy to say nothing and let him shuffle off this mortal coil without upsetting yourself to say anything.

Entirely up to you. There’s no right or wrong decision. Just get help from your counsellor if you need to while making your mind up how to proceed.

Thanks @Elieza

I've already decided I won't say my piece to him. He can't talk anymore and his brain function isn't what it was. He's not the man he was anymore. Just a shell. So all I'd be doing is being cruel to someone who can't retaliate.

And I like him I'm not that sort of person.

The reason I have the not helping guilt is because my mum is his 24/7 carer. So in not helping him it means she's totally responsible for his care. Which is more where the pressure comes from to help my mum than to help my dad (his side of the family do very little but my aunts and uncles on my mums side are where the pressure is from as they all know mums had a life of crap from him.)

I provide practical help in that I order anything he needs. Help with electronics. Give them lifts. My husband goes over if he falls out of bed/his chair as mum can't lift him alone.

I do laundry as he's incontinent and mum can't keep up. Etc.

But I really am not inclined to spend time with him or feed him. Anything like that I just want to 100% avoid.

He is both abusive and a narcissist. Its not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way.

Your mother also failed you as a parent by failing to protect you from her H's abuses of you. She also being his enabler is complicit in the abuse you suffered at that time.

I would personally leave her to it re your dad; she still gets what she wants out of this dysfunctional and codependent relationship she has with her husband. She made her choice here and she chose him over you. She threw you under the bus to save her own skin and you do not owe either of them anything now, let alone any practical help here. I would seriously cut back now on the amount of time, money and effort you are giving these people (examine too why you are doing this. Are you still seeking their approval on some level?) and your own H should not be going over there either. Neither one of them here are trained to lift him safely and they could get hurt themselves. Social services now need to be contacted if this is happening and it will keep on happening.

Ignore the "flying monkeys" as they have their own agenda here and are clearly not interested in hearing your side of things. Their opinion should be ignored.

That sounds like an awful situation to be in.

I’d say narcissist too, though that term is thrown around here a lot. I think it’s possible that some people are just arseholes. Your father has money, money equals power and many people will kiss ass to get in on that. Your father bought people and their affections. Your mum ultimately chose to stay with him, for whatever reasons.

“If mum or I had food on our plate that he liked the look of he'd just take it without asking. “ Rude! He sounds like a complete pig of a man…. if my DH did this to me, it would be the last thing he ever did…

Practically speaking, can you get adult social services involved? They can do an assessment, your mum can’t cope and you need to say that you can’t continue to provide the level of help you have been. It’s very hard providing that level of care, it’s emotionally and physically draining. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Your parents sound wealthy?

Money would be well spent on a daily cleaner/housekeeper/helper to support your Mum practically.