Should I hang in there ‘for the kids’

[Copper2020]

My gut says no, long story but an basically married to someone with no drive or determination . He does Disney dad while I work overtime and pay for everything despite having a disability and working every hour hid sends.

I’ve tried to make it work for 20 years..level of judgement is massive.

I have no family support.

I am entitled to UC plus I work.

Kids love him but he has allowed me to get into so much debt due to never spending a penny .

House sale agreed but I have moments if doubt and please can people tell me that I’ll bit be the talking point of the town and that people don’t really care.

Never cried so much! Anything I want done I have to beg.

I don't really understand everything you've written. What does the bit about level of judgement being massive mean?
But if you're not happy, what's the point? Life is short, so don't waste it. You say house sale is agreed - does that mean you're separating? You might be the talk of the town for five minutes, but they'll soon find something else to talk about. You're bound to have doubts and concerns, but be strong.

You sound ground down and fed up, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also in a similar situation in asking myself that very same question of whether I stay in a miserable marriage to keep the family in tact for DC's sake (I started a thread yesterday). It's a real dilemma, especially if you are married to someone who lacks any empathy and sees the problem as just one sided.

When you say he's allowed you to get into debt due to never spending a penny, do you mean he has a job but doesn't contribute or that he doesn't have a job?

If you are having to pull all the weight financially, nag to get anything done (I bet you don't just mean housework) and if it sounds like you are already in the process of separation then I would say continue to listen to your gut feeling.

I wouldn't stay with him. Your kids will be happier having a happier mum. And people really won't care! Divorce is extremely common, you're not going to be the talk of the town.

For what it's worth, my parents stayed 'for the kids', it just meant that we all had miserable lives as we could tell how unhappy they were. Kids know, even if you don't think it's obvious.

The behaviour you model is the behaviour your child will instinctively copy. If they see one partner doing all the work, all the paying and being unhappy then they think this is normal. Do you want this to be their future?

You’re doing the right thing for them and you. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO!

You won't be the talk of the town. Divorces happen all the time - it's not unusual or shocking.

How old are the kids?

What's this judgement? And your children can still adore him and have a relationship with him under a different living arrangement that doesn't literally cost you everything, money and otherwise.

Do it OP. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and you dont want to spend it with someone who fundamentally doesnt care about you. My mum left my dad age 75 after 45 years of unhappy marriage (well the first 10 years were okish). She really, really regrets not doing what you are doing.

And tslking point of the town? No, honestly, you wont be.

It’s very unlikely you’ll become a talking point but if you do it’ll be brief and anyway so what? This relationship sounds awful for you and not a good model for your DCs. Surely building a happy life without him is worth the temporary discomfort of separating. Don’t hang in there for your DCs - it’s doing them no favours. He can still parent if you’re separated. And more real parenting and less Disney parenting.

You deserve to be happy.

He’s a role model for the kids too.

Would you want your daughters to be treated like that by their future husbands/partners? Or your sons to be lazy like him and their poor exhausted wives/partners doing all the work and chores?

No. Leave and live your best life. You may find you’re financially better off without his lazy arse.