My Husband's Past - Possible encounters with men

[MrsConfusedy]

Hi everyone hope you could help me with something I've uncovered. My (31F) husband (31M) has gone away for the weekend and I was searching for something in his email while he was gone. We're selling some stuff in our home as we're moving this month.

When I searched Craigslist in his email to find enquiries over our items we're selling I found emails dating to 2014 2015 and 2016 where he was responding to listing on Craigslist from men seeking younger men for sexual encounters. As the emails are so old I can't see any more detail other than what he replied to them, he is using language I've never heard from him describing himself and what he wanted to do with these men. There are only 5 emails in total spread over the 3 year period.

We have been together for 3 years and married for 1. We have always been very open with one another about our sexual histories and likes, fantasies etc. He's never mentioned this part of his past to me which to be honest is partly why I'm concerned by what I've uncovered. I would have no issue with this had he told me straight up at any point during our relationship and the fact he didn't has me a bit worried. I've even asked him if he ever been interested in men and he said no and seemed shocked I would ever ask that. He even acts squeamish about gay scenes on TV!

The emails date to before we met but the fact that they go on for a 3 year window says to me that it was a bit more than a passing phase. While the bare fact that he was having one off encounters with unknown men who has adverts for sex on Craigslist does make me feel uncomfortable, I know it's his business and not for me to judge.

However I am struggling to reconcile this new information about my husband having random hook ups with older men he contacted online (I assume, no confirmation in the emails of them actually happening, one email arranging a time but no follow up afterwards)with the very much straight seeming man I married. I really want to discuss it with him but but sure if it's my place to mention it to him as it's in the past and way before even met. But on the other hand I can't stop thinking about it. What should I do? Thought please?

I would have to let on I had seen the information...
No way could I sit on that. His past is his past true but if he has kept such a secret part of him from you I would be concerned that it would resurface and put our marriage at risk.
And of course possibly your sexual health..

I'd have to confront him about it. There's nothing wrong with being bisexual but there's a lot wrong with keeping it secret from your wife or partner.

The fact that he was hooking up for casual sex also puts him at risk of STDs and so you should get yourself checked immediately for anything you might have caught.

There's every chance he's still doing it too OP. Sorry.

There's every chance he's still doing it too OP. Sorry.

No there isn't, don't be so bloody daft. Just because someone had casual sex years ago, it doesn't mean they're cheating on their spouse. Nowhere in the OPs post does she say she suspects him of cheating and you have bugger all evidence to make such a statement.

Thanks for all the replies. We both got a full STI screening before we became intimate so I'm not worried about my sexual health. I'm sure lots of women would say this about their partners but I'm very sure he has never cheated on me, he is the best husband very loyal and just a really wonderful man with a lot of integrity.

I'm just really in a tizzy about it as it's altered my perception of him. I can bring it up but then a part of me is thinking what do I gain from that. He will likely be embarrassed and ashamed of himself. Its a long time ago relative to our relationship. But I do agree that it'll be killing me to not speak to him about it as I have a lot of questions and just want to make sure that it's a think of the past as I don't want any surprises!!! Plus we are TTC at the moment so I really would like to discuss it before we start our family. Just don't want to be unfair to him by blindsiding him with this as it's clearly something he's not comfortable discussing with me. Which makes me sad in itself.

@MrsConfusedy I really feel for you. I found similar things on my long term partners email a couple of years ago, however it was a site he was using at the time, not from before we met. It has led to us breaking up eventually. I can understand how shocked you must feel but please don't ignore this. I have a daughter with my ex and things are very difficult because of his 'secret'.my ex was on a hook up site called Fabguys but he was using a second email address, it was by chance I found out. Things began to add up , we were together for 15 + years but things weren't right. If he has had these feelings at one time are you happy if he still does? I was unhappy in the relationship in lots of ways so it was easier for me to decide. I hope you're OK, and my advice is to listen to your instincts x

@Lockheart

There's every chance he's still doing it too OP. Sorry.

No there isn't, don't be so bloody daft. Just because someone had casual sex years ago, it doesn't mean they're cheating on their spouse. Nowhere in the OPs post does she say she suspects him of cheating and you have bugger all evidence to make such a statement.

Men who seek casual sex online with other men don't just stop generally.

Men who seek casual sex online with other men don't just stop generally.

Because all gay / bisexual men just can't control their urges and are insatiable fiends, you mean? Try turning down your homophobia.

OP, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here but if it's something he's ashamed of (which it sounds like he might be, given some of what you say in your first post) then it may cause quite a lot of hurt for him, knowing that you know. There are things I've done in my sexual past that I won't be telling future partners about (nothing that would impact them in any way) which would really upset me if they came out. It's my past and my business, no-one elses. However, since you know, there's no putting that cat back in the bag.

I understand you have to speak to him, but I would urge you to do it sensitively.

Just one thought, but as you say you can't see any details other than what your H wrote, is there any chance he was doing it for money when was hard up? Is there no 'title' to the advert which would prove/disprove this?

Why do you read e-mails not adressed to you or written by you?

Tell your DH that you snooped in his e-mails and that you now have a problem with him. Be honest.

I've even asked him if he ever been interested in men and he said no and seemed shocked I would ever ask that. He even acts squeamish about gay scenes on TV!

Internalised homophobia. It can very literally be a killer. Are his family quite traditional, invested in having grandchildren etc?

Sorry I should clarify - I don't mean he could be a killer! I mean this denial of one's essential nature can lead to suicide.

This is probably more common than most women realise. I remember talking to gay friends about their Craigslist hookups with men who self-defined as straight, round about the same time actually. I went on Craigslist to poke around and the amount of self-described straight men advertising for discreet gay encounters was... a lot.

From what my friends said there isn't a hard and fast rule about these men. They range from full-blown closet cases to guys who just want to experiment. Sometimes it's out of curiosity, sometimes it's a dry spell and knowing a gay guy will be easier to find than a woman.

The common thread is social stigma around being seen as gay. The closet cases are filled with shame and often can't admit they like men even when they're shagging one. The bicurious ones (some being more bi, some more curious) know that they'll be seen in a different light, especially if they want to end up in a hetero relationship.

It's very different to how bicurious women are perceived. I know an absolute ton of women who've experimented with other women, usually in their university days, enjoyed it to varying extents but ultimately have gone on to live heterosexual lives. The thing is they're all open about it, they talk about those things and their sexual fluidity is accepted without it detracting from their femininity or validity of their current relationships.

Yet there's a widespread social myth that men can't behave like that sexually, that if a self-described straight man experiments with another man it has to have much more meaning than if a self-described straight woman experiments with another woman.

Unfortunately for the OP, it looks like her husband probably has some issues around shame and hasn't fully accepted this side of himself. The performative squeamishness around gay sex scenes sounds very tiresome (and I wouldn't put up with this even from a man who'd never experimented - what if you went on to have a gay son?). But the shame is sadly understandable given the society we live in. OP, are his family particularly conservative? His industry? His friends? Would they react negatively if they thought he was bi?

The positive is that it doesn't necessarily mean anything in terms of how solid your marriage is. Men and women can have all sorts of sexual pasts that they leave behind them when they commit to someone long-term. Having enjoyed one sort of sex in the past doesn't mean he's always going to want it.

It's obviously on your mind though so you probably need to talk to him. You weren't snooping, so it should be easy to bring up how you found those emails. But please bear in mind what I've written and be prepared to support him through the ways our homophobic society makes him feel.

Definitely internalised homophobia, sadly. There's a chance he married you as a smokescreen, to keep up pretences. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but this situation is complicated. Do you feel able to tell him about your accidental discovery and discuss what it means? Be prepared for him to be very defensive and in denial. But if he's locked in the closet, if I were in your position I'd want to be gently helping him out of it now, not waiting for a crisis later in life (e.g. once his parents are no longer alive to judge). Good luck OP X

Maybe he is bisexual?

There is a lot of homophobia on this thread! As far as we know the poor man hasn't done anything

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give me such thoughtful advice. I came here as I didn't want to discuss this with any family or friends and this was the best I could think of but I've been so surprised with the insights and advice you've all shared and I'm really grateful.

To answer some questions, I don't think there was any money involved, or at least as far as I can tell. His parents are quite traditional but one of his brothers is gay and as far as I know was completely accepted when he came out and certainly is now.

I've slept on it now and that combined with your advice has given me a chance to reflect on it as I was kind of working myself up last night when I found the mails. We have a lot going on at the moment with a big move coming up and also he's starting a new job on Monday so this is not the right time to speak to him about it, much as I want to address it straight away. It wouldn't be fair.

I plan to speak to him about it in the near future when things have settled down a bit for us. I'll address it as sensitively as I can. I love him so much and just want to know that it's not a bigger issue I need to be aware of. Hopefully that will frame the conversation and I'll be as careful as possible to make sure he knows it's a conversation and not a confrontation or fight. I do need to address it with him but it's not a do or die conversation.

@Lockheart and @gannett thank you both for your comments which have given me pause for thought. I think my husband is somewhere in the bisexual area on the famous Kinsey scale. He has an attraction to men which he acted on (I assume he acted on it but I don't know that as the emails don't confirm it) in an anonymous and transactional way before he ever met me. I have no problem with this and I hooked up with women when I was younger too. But I've told him all about it and we joke around about it sometimes. I am hurt that he has hidden this aspect of himself from me and it is lying to me in a way but I know that there are big differences to how bisexuality is perceived between men and women. I do think that he has a stigma attached to male homosexuality. This is something we have discussed a lot as I've pulled him up on comments he's made. Up to yesterday, I would have thought he had a backwards view of gay men which made the discovery even more shocking. And yes there are things in my past, not necessarily sexual, that I'm ashamed of and I would really be devastated if my husband found out like this so I totally understand how he will feel when we discuss it.

@CatsnRabbits sorry to hear about what you went though. I'm sure it's been very difficult for you and your family. Hope you and your daughter are doing well x

@MrsConfusedy I think it sounds like you're going about this in a perfect way. I hope he feels able to open up to you and works through his internalised homophobia without too much defensiveness or denial.

I think you need to get a sexual health screening just for peace of mind- it can't hurt can it?

I think your plan is the right approach OP.
I would say that you wouldn’t be bothered about previous relationships with men & he can be open with you. I imagine he is possibly worried about the possible stigma of this & it is somewhat reflected in some of the replies you’ve had here. Having STI checks are wise, whatever the previous relationships are (male or female) and assuming only homosexual relationships present a risk is quite short sighted.
I think your take on this is spot on. Sadly, I do think men are (wrongly) judged more for having homosexual relationships compared to women. I think we need to move away from putting people into boxes or categories with their preferences. Your DH may have been curious about his sexuality at that stage in his life and good for him for exploring this. As you’ve said, you don’t have an issue with this but perhaps the secrecy about it, is what’s bothering you now. I hope you get to chat it through with him.

I think it's just his level of pretence with you, when there was no need, that bothers me. Of course internalised homophobia doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, but so much self-rejection might point to something bigger than he can cope with.

Hi OP I’m sorry this has happened to you. I was in a similar situation to you, although I had found conversations when we were together. He denied everything, his sexuality and basically rug swept everything.

Unfortunately I went on to marry him after lots of pressure from friends and family, but I never trusted him and the marriage didn’t work out.I couldn’t live my life knowing that I was potentially with a closeted gay man and certainly couldn’t of have had children with him. It was a very difficult time in my life and all I can offer you is the best of luck and to trust your gut.