How do you know what a reasonable boundary is?

[Mondaynightnamechange]

How do you know the difference between being unreasonable and a healthy boundary?

Listen to your instincts. They are rarely wrong. If you have a hunch that circumstances are 'off', they usually are. Never compromise with your own integrity. You know what sort of behaviour you would find acceptable, and that which is not. Apply this to other people.

Do you have a situation in mind?

Not really a situation, I saw this quote and I feel like I’m constantly having negative reactions from my son, ex and partner - well people my entire life really.

You are separate from other people, even ones you are related to or involved with.
We should all be free to live without fear. No one has any business trying to control others. We can ask, we can say no.
If something others do or demand has a negative impact on you, check that boundary. If something you demand or do has a negative effect on others, check your behaviour.

I don't think there is much rationality about boundaries. It's more a matter of what you are comfortable with, and that varies a lot across different people. No 'right' or 'wrong' about it.

Trust your instincts, yes, but do you feel you are generally in a good place?

Can you give some examples?

'I don't want to be around x behaviour or y behaviour' can't be unreasonable, because anybody who exhibits those behaviours can go right on doing them. It's the healthy way to state a boundary. The consequence is that if someone continues to exhibit that behaviour, you stop being around them.

'Stop doing that, because I'm here, and I don't like it' is unreasonable.

No boundary is unreasonable. We all set our own, and we are all different. Your boundaries are a direct response to your feelings, and your feelings are always acceptable. ALWAYS. What can be unreasonable is how you choose to enforce your boundaries.

Which bit of the process is failing for you, OP?

Surely a healthy boundary is what feels comfortable for you? So it varies on a individual basis.

Unreasonable is when you say you don't like something, but they keep doing it.

You are allowed to state your own boundaries.

The other person is allowed to say they don't like your boundaries and leave.

You are allowed to say the other person doesn't respect your boundaries and leave.

I would like to state though that this advice is for adult to adult relationships.

You obviously can't leave your child if they don't respect your boundaries. But you can teach them that that boundary exists.

@Thelnebriati they feel it has a negative effect them.

@spotcheck no not in a good place at all at the moment.

'Stop doing that, because I'm here, and I don't like it' is unreasonable and Unreasonable is when you say you don't like something, but they keep doing it. that seems contradictory

Yes @Everythinghasturnedtoshit difficult with a young child that has ASD, he thinks I’m the worse mother ever.

'Stop doing that, because I'm here, and I don't like it' is unreasonable and Unreasonable is when you say you don't like something, but they keep doing it. that seems contradictory

No. The first is you trying to control the other person, the second is them wilfully crossing your stated boundary.

I think
'Stop doing that, because I'm here, and I don't like it' isn't necessarily controlling. It really depends what it is. We have to share space with family, friends, neighbours etc. and there are some things that are OK to ask expect, and some are not.

That saying 'Your right to swing your arms around, ends at my nose." Or something like that. It's not controlling to not want to be hit or knocked over by someone or someone's dog etc.

@Mondaynightnamechange

Not really a situation, I saw this quote and I feel like I’m constantly having negative reactions from my son, ex and partner - well people my entire life really.

If everyone in your life is responding negatively to your boundaries, you might benefit from looking at your relationships, and why this is happening. Have you been a doormat previously, and now you've changed ? Perhaps they are not used to "the new you". Only you would know why they all find your boundaries unacceptable.

The thing is people don’t like being told no

They don’t like having their power and control over you take away

So setting boundaries is hard becuase peiole dont always take it well

But what I wish I realised ten years ago is that it’s not just that tou have to set boundaries, you have to repeatedly defend them too

People don’t (always) mean to be dicks but they don’t change their long term behaviour because you asked nicely once

YOU have to make the boundaries stick by removing yourself from situations, disengaging with toxic behaviour and SPEAKING UP about a problem and why it a problem. Often repeatedly before any difference is effected

It’s a lot of emotional labour and it’s often easier to just put up and shut up but honestly look where Thats gotten us!

Children are absolute buggers at pushing boundaries, but that's healthy - they're exploring their own independence and will.

Your partner should not be doing this, or at least not in a way that leaves you feeling miserable. Can you give an example of the type of boundary he's pushing? (because there's a big difference between "he keeps leaving the toilet seat up" and "he keeps sending dick pics to random women"!)

@Italiangreyhound

I think 'Stop doing that, because I'm here, and I don't like it' isn't necessarily controlling. It really depends what it is. We have to share space with family, friends, neighbours etc. and there are some things that are OK to ask expect, and some are not.

That saying 'Your right to swing your arms around, ends at my nose." Or something like that. It's not controlling to not want to be hit or knocked over by someone or someone's dog etc.

'Stop doing that' is an imperative, and so is, necessarily, controlling. With physical boundaries, it's OK to be controlling. It's right to be controlling.

Emotional boundaries are different, and that's what we're talking about, here.