Still in love. WWYD?

[Meowmaid]

1 year relationship, I genuinely expected us to have kids/get married, it ended in a horrible way , with him suddenly acting strangely and seeming to lose all interest overnight. After being pushed, he said it was because I’d done something bad, but refused to tell me what. He then (days later) said he wanted us to try again - so we did, everything was fine for a couple of weeks then he essentially ghosted me. He had some MH issues.

This all happened earlier this year, I still don’t feel over it. I don’t know if it is because of the lack of closure, the horrible way he ended things, or because I’m still in love with him. Maybe all 3.

It’s really difficult for me to think clearly or know how to handle my stupid feelings, I really wish I could turn them off! But I have honestly never felt about anyone the way I feel towards him . I have had relationships far longer, one ex who I have two DC with, so I am not a teenager heartbroken for the first time or anything! But I’m really struggling here.

He got back in touch after we bumped into each other while out, around August, and we have been texting on and off since which probably hasn’t helped, but I genuinely am still in love with him so it’s really hard to cut him off or ignore messages.

I suppose this is more of a WWYD?

Think with your head not your heart. Cut him off. He’s a dick and a game player. You still feel hung up because he whipped the carpet out from under your feet when you thought you were secure. And then he keeps popping back into your life. You can’t trust this man - he will stomp on your heart repeatedly. So you have to take your heart back and cut him out. That’s the only way you’ll get peace. The sooner you cut him off, the sooner you’ll start to feel better.

The fact that it felt so good is mostly about where you are in life, not him. You can have that again with someone else because it’s in you. It’s not in him.

Thanks @Dery you’re right of course. I feel quite angry with myself for letting myself be treated as an option, in my defence I found his sudden 180 so disorientating and upsetting, it left me feeling a bit desperate for answers and probably triggered some of my own self esteem issues.

I know I need to let go of the fantasy version I have of him in my head, and see the real him, which isn’t really impressive, he’s been a pretty horrible person and played games.

Wish my stupid feelings would go.

know how to handle my stupid feelings

Have some respect for your feelings, That's your heart talking; the real core you. The bit of you that hasn't been conditioned or trained. The bit of you that does happiness and joy and peacefulness and fulfillment.

If you want to reach any of those goals, listen to and respect your feelings. Shoving them to one side is what's made you ignore the initial red flags.

I've been where you are, with a complete 180, and them leaving the relationship with the finger of blame firmly pointed. It's sickening. But it's not your fault. Somewhere along the line, probably as a kid, you've been taught that despite the upset around you, your feelings are less important than the feelings of others, or the events around you.

Does that sound like something you learned as a child?

The main thing right now is to accept that this is not your fault, and that your feelings are not stupid, but perfectly valid.

You have closure, in that he ghosted you.
I would say that's a fairly definite way of letting you know how things stand.

Stop the texting - I know it is very hard but when you do he has no control over you . He has been feeding then starving you and that does things to your brain . You want more even contact although it is bad for you . Block him . He is not your friend.

omg of course he claimed it was over because of 'something bad' you did 🙄
but refuses to tell you what 🤔

what a PRICK 😂

BLOCK 🌸

He hasn't treated you nicely at all. He has behaved badly. You are entitled to feel love for him, because we can't always help our emotional response to people. But, I would say it is a good idea to work out what it is that is so appealing about him, and then find someone who has that spark but can also treat you well.

Agree with DameMaureen. stop texting. It's a kind of lazy way (for him) to have contact with you but without making any real effort.

You are worth more.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. This man is is toxic, block him.

You may be trauma bonded?

Whatever, you need to block and forget.

I'm so sorry you fell for a game player.

Don't do it. The best possible spin on this is that he really believed you'd done something, and deals with conflict by cutting people out of his life rather than attempting to address the issue like an adult. This isn't someone you want to be married to or have children with. A more likely explanation is that he just got bored or found someone else, and made up some bs that he thought would make him look like less of a bad guy. That fell through, so now he's sniffing around you again. And even if you want to call it "mental health issues," those issues aren't going to solve themselves. This is who he is and how he treats you. It's not going to get better. Be glad he did it a year in, rather than waiting until you were married with children.

Thanks for all your replies. I’ve spent most of last night tossing and turning, feeling rubbish about things, and annoyed at myself a bit over how I’ve handled it all.

I know I can’t control how I feel but I just thought I’d have made more progress by now - I wasn’t with him for long, and it’s been months now

I know he sounds terrible (he was definitely terrible at the end), but we also shared some of the best days of my life together - I’ve never met anyone I clicked with in this way, we could sit and talk and laugh for hours and never run out of things to say, I truly believe the connection was genuine, which I suppose is why I’m finding it so bloody hard to let go/give up.

I know I’ll have to just stop talking to him, it’s not healthy living like this, my heart just really does not want to let go.

I’m really looking forward to being over this entire situation now. Ultimately he’s not a particularly nice person, despite my feelings. He used to brag about his ability to ‘cut people off’ like family members/friends etc so I should have seen it coming.

Maybe he's a narc - it sounds like the idealisation / devalue / discard cycle. It starts with love bombing, mirroring and creating the feeling of an amazing bond, then it's a sudden reversal and dropping the person.

Now you're in the hoovering stage, where he tests to see if he can suck you back in.

It's very addictive and heady, but it's not love or genuine connection.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

we also shared some of the best days of my life together - I’ve never met anyone I clicked with in this way, we could sit and talk and laugh for hours and never run out of things to say

It's really disturbingly easy for someone to create this type of "connection" with a few simple psychological tricks.

• Mirroring your body language and verbal language
• Telling you something embarrassing or shameful about themselves
• Never stating their opinion on anything important until they know yours

Once they've got you hooked:

• Sharing a pain point from their lives with you, eg the death of a parent, collapse of previous relationship (this may well turn out to be complete fiction)
• Telling you that you've made them feel vulnerable, they've never felt like this before, etc

The trouble is, these words mimic those of someone genuinely falling in love. So you have to look at their behaviours, not rely on their words.

In this case, his behaviour shows that he's rotten to the core and will continue playing with you for a cheap ego boost as long as he can.

Please cut him off, today. No contact is the only way to heal when he's fucked with you this badly.

Cut ties and block his number. You can’t heal with the drip of texts, as that just resurrects things again for you.

Block block block 🌻🌼🌻

Hi all. Thanks for the replies, just an update, I don’t feel any better about things. I’m moving on with my life, having a social life etc, which is something I suppose.

I removed all ties from him except one I forgot about, he contacted me on there a few weeks ago, it took me a few days to see the message as I don’t use the platform often (hence not removing him). I answered his message after deliberating for a while, we had some friendly chat, he indicated he wanted to meet up and gave a day. It wasn’t set in stone but the day came and I heard nothing from him and haven’t since, so I essentially wasted my time and energy. He probably only contacted me to check I was still an option - tbh this incident has gone some way in helping me see the sort of man he is.

I would stop the texting...

You dodged a bullet.

Only a fool would tell you he left because 'you did something bad' then fail to actually explains what he meant. The guy is blaming you for his issues. He showed you he was immature and a waste of time.

Now he is enjoying being able to pull your strings now and then for an ego boost.

Cut all contact with him and focus on yourself and then finding a decent man.

Sorry to hear this OP. Your feelings are the same grief as a bereavement. Someone has left your life as abruptly and completely as if they’d died. In fact it’s worse because they chose to leave you. Be kind to yourself and accept that grief is normal when you lose someone. You don’t have to “get over it”. Like a bereavement the pain will get less frequent over time and you will move on, albeit with a scar.

Exactly, he’s keeping you dangling for if he wants to use you.
Block him everywhere, and never search him on SM when you’re upset/drunk.
Keep it in the past. Move forward.

This treatment eats away at you. I was in a similar situation. Block or delete him.

I dated someone who seemed so into me that he swept me off my feet. He talked to me about his childhood issues etc so the caring side of me also really felt for him. Then he started coming up with excuses not to see me (and I did say that if he wanted to be just friends then that was fine, but he said no). He used fictitious family issues as excuses and then I found him on a dating app. And weirdly he had changed his personality description and what he enjoyed doing to be basically me (he was none of those things).

It did affect me for a while because it was such a turnaround but now i see what i had originally seen which was a middle aged balding self centred prick.

Ah my love. We’ve all been there.

I suggest making it your priority to move on. Make getting over this a project, I recommend the podcast Break Up Bestie. Good advice and all about moving forward.

You know this man is keeping you on the bench in case he gets lonely. You’re worth so much more than Plan B.