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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Despairing over alcoholic partner

37 replies

Blueeiffel · 08/10/2021 21:01

Hi everyone. My first time on here, and I'll really appreciate responses from anyone who's been through similar. I live currently with my partner, who is the father of my young child. We aren't married. The house is in my name and I pay all the bills as I earned more than him, he buys the food and gave me a 50% contribution towards the car loan (which I don't use). He's an alcoholic. Drinks a bottle+ of spirits a night and he's nasty. He doesn't work anymore, left a few weeks ago after being bullied long term which took a huge toll on his mental health. He doesn't wash very often, smells, and just sits now on the sofa watching TV all day, drinking. By afternoon he's slurring his speach, and obnoxious to the point I dearly wish him gone. Nights are spent with him ranting, with the shakes of he doesn't get his fix. He admits he's an alcoholic, but is scared of getting help/won't. Today I asked him to leave (he has no-where to go, and no money). He told me he would go if I paid him to! I have quite a bit of debt racked up by him not contributing, but will just about be able to manage if the car is sold and get additional work to supplement income (already work FT). The car is registered in his name, but I believe I can prove ownership since I bought it and pay the loan, which is a substantial amount each month (in my name). I feel totally and utterly trapped in a nightmare, and am at my wits end. I hate him now, but would tolerate him and try to help if he gets help-immediately. Otherwise I want him gone for the sake of my sanity and health and my child's, enough is enough. We are so much happier when he isn't around with his poison and nastiness. Are any of you happy to share your experiences of getting alcoholic partner to leave (especially if have no-where to go?), or the legalities of doing so? Or where you even start getting help? I can't attend Al-anon in my local area as evening meetings and I don't have any childcare support. Thank you everyone, I appreciate what an awful subject this is :(

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 08/10/2021 21:04

I’m sorry.

I left mine in the end. I rented a place behind his back, told our landlord and utilities I was a leaving and made sure stuff was paid up in my name and then just left.

I got lucky really. It was the best thing I could have done and it saved my life. (Didn’t save him but you have to look after yourself and your child first).

Original poster
Blueeiffel · 08/10/2021 21:10

Thanks LividLaVidaLoca. I can't see any way out other than a forced separation, but can't leave the house as mortgage is in my name :( I'm so glad you got out, and hope you've managed to recover some of you. Devastating illness for anyone touched by it, and I'm so sad for our little one having a dad like that.

OP posts:
SmallWaistFatFace · 08/10/2021 21:10

It's your house right? Send him out to get booze and then lock the doors and leave the key in. He doesn't have any legal right to your home. If you feel bad and have the cash then book him into a hotel for a night.

I'm glad you've kicked him out. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and it's brutal growing up loving someone who is an addict. It's not fair on your child.

BrilloPaddy · 08/10/2021 21:14

Talk to a solicitor, and get him removed from the house.

It's on him to sort himself out, not you, and as someone who has grown up around several alcoholic family members, it may not happen at all.

All you can do is protect yourself Flowers

sjxoxo · 08/10/2021 21:15

I didn’t want to read & run- I don’t have an alcoholic partner but my DH grew up with an alcoholic father and it was very hard on him. When his parents eventually split, his mum took the kids and left, it forced his dad (after a fashion) to make some big big changes and he did eventually manage to quit drinking. Today they have an ok/good-ish relationship despite the past events, which is a positive thing I think all things considered. There’s Gingerbread which is for single parents I believe but I definitely think they would be supportive of you, from what I know it’s a very inclusive & strong organisation. I know a few people who are members and all have kids so this would be more supportive of you & dc together I think. Sending you a hug. You sound really strong & like you have your shit together 💖 xo

Fireflygal · 08/10/2021 21:22

Does he have family or friends that might take him on?

There will be a way to end this...you are entitled to end the relationship and legally he won't have a claim on your house.

Could you speak to CAB and see if they can offer you advice.

Be strong and firm over your decision as it's a horrible environment for you and your child.

Crimeismymiddlename · 08/10/2021 21:23

It’s your house, wait till he goes out lock the doors and pack his bags-it’s not like he is paying for anything or you are married so he will be unable to use any legal means to get back in. If he owned the home and you suddenly were unable to contribute or caused trouble he would have kicked you out-please treat him as he treats you.
Also, he is not working due to being bullied-my arse, the correct term is managed out due to being a stinky drunk.

Original poster
Blueeiffel · 08/10/2021 21:25

Thank you SmallWaistFatFace, BrilloPaddy and sjxoxo, really appreciate your responses. I think some legal advice will be good, especially as he thinks he's entitled to some of the house and will no doubt take the car. He will have no money to pay child support, I need to know exactly where I stand as I don't doubt it'll get much nastier. I can't have my little one growing up around this, this is pushing me forward above everything else. Hadn't thought about Gingerbread, thanks for the suggestion as they might have some guidance on legal issues of separating. What a mess eh?

OP posts:
Sparkybloke · 08/10/2021 21:31

I'm afraid for me I had to leave although my situation didn't involve kids. She was much as your partner is....a nightmare. As others say....get legal advice. Be prepared for a tough few weeks but you will get through it and be happier once the dust settles....change your phone no once he has gone too..good luck..

Original poster
Blueeiffel · 08/10/2021 21:32

Hi Crimeismymiddlename. Think it was a combination of both, with his drinking getting worse as the work problems got worse. They probably fed off each other. When he was at work (WFH) was drunk often, I used to cringe. I've had a bag packed for him for a while (mainly for ambulance as been expecting his stomach to ruptute/liver to pack in for long enough). Maybe get some assurance that I can just kick him out without legal recourse, and leave said bag on drive. Even his best friend didn't want to know when I asked for help :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueeiffel · 08/10/2021 21:35

Thanks SlarkyBloke, so sorry for what you went through, but good on you for getting out :) Didn't think of phone change!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 21:35

Kick him the fuck out first thing in the morning and call the police if you have to. Where he goes is his problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 21:37

I fail to see why you would need a solicitor. You're not married, the house belongs to you alone, you pay the bills. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and if the car is in your name, he doesn't get that, either. Get rid of him.

Original poster
Blueeiffel · 08/10/2021 21:39

Thanks Fireflygal, also hadn't thought of CAB, am really appreciating everyone's advice. Unfortunately no family who could be of use/take him in, or friends in a position to do so.

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 08/10/2021 21:41

This. He is no support to you now so youll be no worse off when he fucks off.

Original poster
Blueeiffel · 08/10/2021 21:44

Thanks Aquamarine, your pluck has made me smile, I need to find some!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 21:45

@Blueeiffel

Thanks Aquamarine, your pluck has made me smile, I need to find some!
You do, op, because you simply can't allow your child to live with an alcoholic for one more day. Not one. The damage being done is terrible.
sjxoxo · 08/10/2021 21:46

another thing I forgot to put- what is his family like? Parents/siblings etc? You could also rea h out to them & explain how bad he has become and maybe the could offer him some support in your absence. My auntie left my uncle and she sent a message to my mum & my uncles parents explaining she had ended their marriage as he has serious addiction issues. The rest of the family actually had no idea so I think that was a smart move by her. I know my grandparents subsequently did help him a bit & I think it was my Aunty really saying ‘I can’t give anymore; I’m handing over responsibility’ Xo

CottageOnTheHill · 08/10/2021 21:48

Where does he get the money for alcohol if he’s no longer working? Kick him out ASAP, if he refuses to leave call the police as he’s an abusive drunk. Alcoholism is a very selfish addiction, you and your child deserve much better. As you’ve suffered abuse I’m sure Women’s Aid would also support you.

ItsDinah · 08/10/2021 21:51

Is there anyone who would come to stay with you and give moral support or even just visit to see the state he is in? It's embarrassing but for the sake of your child you need to tell other people- both families- what is going on. He cannot be around your child. Give him a date he has to be out by. Put it in writing. Don't agree to pay him. Give him a letter for the local authority Housing Department confirming he is homeless. On eviction day,change the locks and don't let him in. Phone police if he tries to get in. I know quite a few people who have had the same problem. One gave up the tenancy,moving to another city. One homeowner lied that they were moving and had the gas and electricity turned off while they stayed away for a few weeks.One put his stuff in bin bags, chucked them at him in the pub . One had their mum assist by going into full harridan mode. One phoned the partner's sane /sober brothers to come and collect him. A public eviction in front of family or friends is very effective.

tearsforfears72 · 08/10/2021 21:53

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, alcoholism is a disease with the most horrible consequences for those around the alcoholic. Please keep you and your DD safe and kick him out, I know it will be hard but like other posters have said if he’s not contributing to the household then he’s unfortunately nothing but a risk to you and your child.

PearLime · 08/10/2021 21:57

Im Sorry you're going through this.

Glad you're getting rid. It's the only thing you can do in this situation.

I sometimes struggle with asking for help. But this is a situation where I think you need to ask people for help. Friends, family, the police if necessary, the CAB for your debt, women's aid and other debt charities. Don't be embarrassed. You're not the first to find yourself in this situation and you're not the last.

Don't try and deal with this yourself. Sending love.

SalitaeDiscesa · 08/10/2021 21:58

Glad you are making up your mind to get rid of him. My father was alcoholic. My mother stayed with him. My sisters, brother and I are still paying a heavy price in our sixties.

PerseverancePays · 08/10/2021 21:58

One of the things the addiction centre said was that partners worry about the addict ‘being out there in the cold’, but most of the time the addict sorts out somewhere to stay. They are pretty resilient otherwise they would be dead!
If the car is in your name can you sell it and pay off a chunk of the debt? It’s better if he doesn’t have access to the car because then you know he’s not driving drunk.
I think the police will help you make him leave the house and they’ll get his keys off him too. Tell them he’s being abusive and you want him out.
The relief of not being around him is amazing. My grown up children thanked me for not growing up around their alcoholic father.
Good luck 🌻🌻🌻

romdowa · 08/10/2021 22:10

Where he goes really isn't your problem, it's his issue to sort out. Ensuring that his drinking doesn't distroy your life and your child's life is your priority here. Put him out and change the locks, what happened after is up to him.

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