Feeling 'on the outer'

[Shattered]

I have been going to a playgroup every Tuesday for the past year, and over that time became reasonably friendly with 2 other women. We all have toddlers around the same age, so we started to meet up on other days during the week and take our children on outings together. A few months ago, I went away for a couple of weeks and during that time, the other two women kept meeting up with each other while I was away.
The thing is, even though they've asked me to come out with them a couple of times since then, they tend to do things on their own now. I know they still meet up during the week and go to each other's places, and even though I can kind of understand it, it still hurts somewhat. I guess with three people, someone may end up being the odd one out, but I think my problem is that I'm not pushy enough - I don't force myself on people and maybe it gets taken as a lack of interest on my part. I know that feeling hurt is a part of life but I wish I could be a bit more 'forthcoming' sometimes! Has this happened to anyone else? Thanks for listening...

Why don't you invite them to your house or to go out with you - maybe they feel the relationship is too one-way. It is hard but you do need to be more assertive in these situations and sometimes work at maintaining friendships. After I had dd I felt very isolated and really had to force myself to join groups and make friends. My hv told me of someone who lived on my road who had a baby the same age and I plucked up the courage to ask her over - very out of character for me! We have been good friends ever since. Good luck - let us know how you get on

Happened to me too - but I blame myself really ! I went back to work and they didn't - so I just kind of got left out of things, also I was too knackered to make a lot of "chat" calls so I guess I neglected them a bit - Final straw for me was my dd not being invited to the b'day party of one of the kids this year (2 yrs) - made me realise that they're not real friends - hence my search for new ones !

Sad - but I guess I didn't make enough effort !

I can really relate to your situation Shattered. A few years ago when I had ds1 I made friends with my brother's mates wife, we became very good friends and used to visit each others homes. I also made friends with another girl who lived around the corner from me, coincidentally my two friends new one another. I am extremely sociable and don't have any problems making friends, so me being me invited both of them round to mine and it became a regular meeting up taking it in turns to visit each others homes on a weekly basis. I admit that sometimes I felt a little bit left out as I have a son and they both had girls and they were obviously always discussing clothes etc. Their children were very forward with everything from potty training,speech,playing together etc. I had a feeling that they were meeting up without me. One day I went around to the house of one of my friends to drop off something that I had borrowed, it wasn't until I got to the door that I thought I recognised my other friends car on the drive. When my friend answered the door she was very embarrased and made some excuse about forgetting to arrange with me to meet up that day. I felt upset that I was being left out and thought that maybe I had said something that may have upset them. I can be easily bored by talking about home furnishings and baby talk, I was forever trying to steer the conversation to other subjects. I was actually quite relieved when the home visits stopped. With hindsight I now realise
how dull those meet ups became. I have since met some wonderful like minded good friends. I think that the problem stemmed from me wanting to bond with anyone who had a baby and naturally took it for granted that it helps if you have simlilar things in common. If I do meet someone new I arrange to meet up outside of the home. I'm also a firm believer of the saying familiarity breeds contempt. Good luck Shattered in meeting new friends, I think you have hit the nail on the head with 3 being a crowd, don't worry about not being pushy enough I am too pushy and that doesn't work either.

Glitterbabe I was wondering too if the fact that these two women have daughters and I have a son, has anything to do with it. Perhaps they feel that the two little girls will form a 'friendship' but my ds might be the odd one out because he's a boy. I also told one of these women once that I had a pretty busy lifestyle, mainly because dh and I attend quite a lot of his work functions and she might think I'm busy enough already. Who knows??! Or they may just be happy in each other's company without a third person around.

Shattered people do sometimes behave in not very nice ways and it's not alway because you've done something wrong. When people feel they've got themselves sorted out they often don't think about anyone else. It doesn't sound as if they are deliberately being mean but are probably a bit insensitive to your feelings. Sometimes however nice you try to be people don't reciprocate. It can be very hurtful but remember there are lots of other people out there who would probably love the chance to make friends.

Shattered
Yes I have been in your position. However I think I have also been guilty of doing it the other way round as well. I don't think it happens deliberately or nastily but just sometimes due to having more in common with some people than others. You will make other friends with whom you will get on better.