how to deal with CONTROLLING , BITTER and DEMANDING 90 YO GRAN

[noonar]

hi, does anyone else have experience of a domineering, embittered elderly relative, who upsets everyone and creates tension and family conflict?

my gran is so demanding, in terms of wanting lifts to places, wanting errands doing and demanding a certain number of visits, yet she rarely initiates contact herself. she dosent seem to grasp that it can be hard to be at her beck and call, with LOs in tow.

she's so victorian in her attitude and seems to think that we have a duty to do little jobs for her. she always rings my dh and brother at work to ask for little jobs to be done. (i think she thinks we owe her, as she's not short of cash and paid for school fees etc when we were growing up)

she is manipulative and bullying in her manner. she continually finds fault with everyone. she takes huge offense if she is not kept informed with family events/ news.

she doesnt talk to my mum and so between them they make xmas and birthdays fraught with family politics.

i've had enough of her. i do love her but her demands take all the pleasure out of seeing her.

i do speak my mind with her, but its often easier just to humour her and give in to her demands.

how can a 90yo wield so much power??

what should i do about her? any ideas?

btw, i just had a run in with her about her wanting lifts to and from dds ballet show today, even though it'd make me stressed and late, and she has plenty of money for taxis!

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thanks mellow, good to know i'm not alone.

am off to the ballet now, and just writing about it ahs diffused some of my anger, actually.

Do you love her? Do you like her? Do you want her in your life?

i love her. i dont always like her. i o resent her. i couldnt cut her out of my life- it'd destroy her if we did that.

'i do resent her'

I can remember my Gran phoned up our house one evening(I was still living with my parents) and she asked whether my dad would be able to take her to an appointment at an eye hospital. My parents were at my sisters' graduation ceremony and would be back until late. The appointment was for the next day. I said that I would have to ring work and make sure it was okay.

My Gran got very angry and said that she was better off dead. I told her not to say that and we all loved her, she replied that it would be quite easy, all she would have to do is scratch her wrist open and that would be it. I think I put the phone down on her bawling my eyes out.

My Aunt gave her a telling off for that. I can understand how frustrating it is to not have the support you need.

She did phone me up a few days later and apologise. She passed away about 3 months later.

I really feel sad that we had this conversation. She was a big ball of rage in the last few months of her life and then she lost whatever fight she had within her.

My grandmother is quite like this - she's 94 and she's definitely like this as a result of early stages of dementia and a stubborn personality. However, I try really hard to remember her for who she was for most of her life, THAT'S the person I love dearly and am happy to bend over backwards for. I sure as heck wouldn't like her if she was new in to my life today! But I love her dearly for the amazingly strong woman she was throughout my childhood and teens so I try to overlook her cantankerous-ness now, I don't want my memories of her clouded by that. Does that make sense? So I guess if you had that sort of relationship with her in her "peak" then do things and maintain a relationship for that lady. If she's always been a bit of a sod then I would be tempted to say I will see you and help you out for 2 hours a week on x day, and I will ring you for twenty minutes on another day. All jobs can wait till then. If she needs more than what you can offer in those times then she obviously needs outside help. And don't get involved in her relationship with other members of your family - explain to them you understand but this is YOUR relationship, their relationship with her is their responsibility.

she is not going to be bugging you for much longer is she? And it is lovely that she is interested in her great grandchildren.

At least she hasn't moved in.

I would try to enjoy her while you have her tbh.

My grandmother is similar. She loves to be the centre of attention, and deliberately sparks arguments, whilst pretending to be innocent - and deaf, when it suits!

But she comes from a time when the elderly relatives were looked after by the younger ones.

And where the older family members were respected, and treated as the heads of the family.

And she has done her bit, tbh.

She nursed her mother through terminal cancer whilst being pregnant with her first child.

When her mother died, her father lived with them for the next 25 years.

And my grandmother looked after them all, as well as working full time.

Then she provided free childcare before and after school for her various grandchildren, for about 15 years.

People of this generation were used to having family support networks, and just accepted it was part of their role.

We don't really have that nowadays, but I do try to remember that when my grandmother drives me mad.

I know I would struggle to have her living with me full time, and I also know she won't be around forever.

But I also sometimes fail to bite my tongue!

You have to power to say NO sometimes, when it really isn't convenient to do what she wants. She won't drop dead from moaning and you don't really believe that you are an ungrateful granddaughter do you? If you say no sometimes you will probably resent the times you say yes a lot less.

My Grandmother is like this. She has alienated everyone. None of us can stand being around her now.

Have you told her thank you regarding the school fees. Maybe a part of her feels unappreciated.

God this sounds familiar! Dp's nana is constantly ringing him up in tears saying she is lonely (she has lots of visitors) and needs help/errands and thinks nothing of piling on the guilt even though we have been very busy doing up a house and I am now 9 months pg. She manipulative and horrible to the rest of the family too but dp gets it in the neck cos he's the 'softest' (in the nicest possible way) Its got worse since dp's dad passed away earlier in the yr (and there is a joke dp made about how far his dad went to get away from her)

I know the argument would be just to put up with it and appreciate they gave up time and money to bring up a family but other people manage to do this without being so horrid. I've never met a worse case than dp's nana who, when confronted with finding out her dil had cancer said, but I'm not well either! (she had a cold....)

Sorry, no advice noonar but my total sympathies.

wow, thanks everyone.

clearly, it is a generation/ age thing, at least partly.

weegle, she has always been a bit of a sod, actually! very caring but terribly controlling and capable of bearing the most terrible grudges. for example, she didnt speak to my youngest brother for the first 16 years of his life, as she didnt approve of his father's relationship with my mum. so you see, she's not exactly a harmless old dear.

this is was especially terrible as we lived together when we were growing up- it was a big victorian villa- mum and children in the basement and gran upstairs. we had a separate entrance, but had to grow up with mum and gran not on speaking terms, but all under the same roof. my mum had no support from my dad, and clearly had her own reasons for continuing to accept financial help from my gran, despite her appalling behaviour. we have all suffered as a result of her thinking that everyone is accountable to her. i guess i've just had enough of her wielding power in our family.

(actually , the more i think about it, the more absurd it seems that mum chose to stay in that house)

pigleto, she really can have a viscious tongue, and pushes us all away with her demanding nature, so you see, 'enjoying her while we can' isnt quite how i'd put it

Hi Noonar,

One of the people I feel for in all this apart from your good self is your Mum. This sort of awful behaviour does cut across the generations; you are the second generation to be affected by her.

Toxic parents can all too easily become toxic grandparents; just because they are now really old does not mean to say they somehow become easier to manage. This lady has an awful relationship with her child, your own Mother.

You may thus want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Your Mum should certainly read it.

My great grandad sounds similar but he can no longer get at me over the phone as he doesn't have my number! This is the man that when my sister have birth to a critically ill baby recently said "who cares if it dies its not like we've got to know it i refuse to have anyone that poisonous around my children regardless of how many times we fed the ducks when i was a child. I have enough to deal with without inviting more negativity into my life.

thanks shakey and attila.

i do fear for my mum, attila, but i'm also enfuriated by her, as i dont know why she didnt cut her mother out of her life whn we were children. they have made sure that their lives are still entwined, and my generation has to deal with the fall out.

my gran has done many more horrendous, unforgivable things. i've given just one example.

Its not easy at all to cut out poisonous family members but it can be done and isn often done after much heartache and soul searching.

Your Nan also had all sorts of emotional holds on your Mum in previous years. Also the term "toxic parents" was unknown. You may want to read the thread on here entitled "My mother has cut me out of my life - long sorry".

I would certainly show the book "toxic Parents" to your Mum.

attila, if she was younger, i'd definitely confront her over some of the things she's done. she is quite vulnerable, as all old people are, so i'm not sure i could cut her out of our lives completely.