I don’t know how to deal with this and how much I hate myself

[Regrettah]

I don’t know how to ever get over this. I know I have to but if anyone has been here and can help me work out how I would be eternally grateful.

Around 3 years ago I met someone that was completely wonderful to me. He really wanted to be with me, he compromised, he was caring, open, committed. All of this terrified me and if I was to criticise him at all I’d say he was probably a little intense but not in a creepy way. He would often send lots of texts even if I hadn’t replied. He wasn’t arsey about anything though. He was very kind to me and wanted the best for me. I did fall for him. As time went on he wanted me to move in - all the sort of stuff that now I would do ANYTHING to find. I got scared, ended things, packed my bags and went travelling for six weeks. On my return, around four months later, I realised I had made a mistake. I didn’t know how to get back in touch and after a couple of months deliberating how to do this, I eventually made contact and he was lovely again. He wanted to meet etc. We arranged to meet up after a few lovely phone calls. We met, it was amazing and everything felt right. We arranged another date and in this time, someone he had met on a night out and spent two weeks with while she was staying in the local area (it’s a tourist hotspot) got in touch to say she was pregnant. He didn’t tell me for a couple of weeks and when he did he said why hadn’t I come back into his life sooner, he was so confused and sad about all this etc etc. Anyway in summary he ended things to try and ensure that this woman wouldn’t keep the baby far away from him and he tried to make it work with her. I get all of why he did this and I don’t know what their situation is like or how it panned out and I don’t intend to find out.

Ever since this day I have beaten myself up about it. Why didn’t I see what I had at the time? It’s been made worse as I’ve recently ended a six month relationship after noticing just how awful some men can be and it’s made me compare with him even more.

I can’t stop thinking about it, I long for it, wish I could turn back time. I hate myself for it. I know I have to stop doing this but I just don’t know what to do. He’s always on my mind.

Anyone

I think he wasn't really right for you, and you followed your gut, which is a good move and probably saved you years of finding out why he wasn't quite right for you, and possibly staying with him indefinitely because there was nothing that bad about him either.

You sound lonely, and he represents something missing from your life: the ideal partner. That doesn't mean he really would be, in real life.

It's easy to doubt our own judgement and idealise possibilities. Try not to beat yourself up. After 6 months with him you might be bored stiff!

Congratulate yourself for waiting for the right person, the one you'd never leave in a million years. Your future self will thank you for trusting your instincts in the first place.

I think everyone meets people who could be right for them over the course of their life. But if it is isn't the right person and the right time, it doesn't work out.

I had similar stress after dumping my penultimate boyfriend. Thank goodness I didn't end up with him as my gut instinct was right. Hold on, you'll meet someone else x x x

I think my main worry @Alcemeg and @Feetupteashot is that I was in two very toxic relationships before him and the once since hasn’t been great either (though not as bad) and it’s made me think even more on reflection that actually he was secure and grounded and I didn’t recognise it for being a good thing because I wasn’t used to it. I hate myself for that. He was so good to me he really cared and loved me and I threw it away.

Why don’t you intend to find out what the situation is with him now? Would you not want to try again with him if he was single?

@Constellationstation because the last I heard he had moved her in. And in any case he ended it with me to do that so I don’t feel I can or should be in touch.

But ... we don't "throw away" things that we enjoy, things that make us happy. You've had a run of bad luck and he's a saint by comparison. Give it time. Try to learn from the bad relationships, instead of pinning all your hopes on this one. Honestly, he's not the only decent kind man in the whole universe, it just looks that way to you right now!

Oh I see, well that’s understandable.
Try and forgive yourself for the past and look forward to the future. I’m sorry, I know that’s very easy to say and not so easy to do. Someone as good or better than him will come along eventually. You know what to look for in a relationship now

It is good that you ended your current relationship. You made the strong choice.
You say you don't want to find out how your ex and his gf and baby doing right now. Is that because you are afraid to hear they are still together?

You mention he wished you had got in touch at a tiny two week window of time. Even if you had magically done that, he would still be a father and you would still be sharing him torn between his heart and his head. Not very romantic or ideal. You would just have a different set of problems.
It is sad. You originaly bolted for valid reasons. He moved on. He learned to live without you. He did not wait for you. He did not get in touch. He is a mere mortal man.
Wishing you the very best op. And I still think finding out his current situation will either aid your recovery or spur you on to get in contact again. This limbo you have put yourself in, hurts only you.

But OP, you have said how good he was to you, and I think you said that he loved you, but I don't remember you saying that you are totally in love with him? That he gives you butterflies in your stomach, that you couldn't wait to be with him again everytime you had to be part? Of course those intense feelings don't usually last, but they should turn into an even deeper type of love, a feeling that each of you can completely trust the other, that they are the only person you want to be with (as a partner). It didn't sound like you had that with him, and it doesn't sound like you need to compromise on that, so please try to understand that as lovely as he was, you are better off being single, than compromising, at least for now, and hopefilly for always.

Imagine if you had found out you were pregnant just around the time you got cold feet and went off travelling. Would you have chucked in your plans and stayed? Would you have kept the child even?

I discovered I was pregnant when I was seeing a lovely guy. We'd been together around 15 months at the time. I liked him a lot and hadn't thought of breaking up. But I knew, with hardly a shadow of a doubt, that I didn't want the baby ( though I agonised over the decision to terminate). Firstly it was completely the wrong time for me career-wise, and secondly I realised my lovely bf was not the one for me. We didn't split up for a few more months as we felt we needed to reach that point naturally. I have had times since when I have regretted the abortion, but never the loss of the relationship, though I think back on it fondly.

If he had been right for you, why would you have got cold feet? Even if he was, time has moved on. He's no longer available. There will be someone else.

If I got pregnant and dad told me he had got with someone and it was love but he would fuck her off to be a dad I would turn him down.

I know 2 men irl who had a fling pregnancy then met the 'one' and they chose the 'one' but supported the pregnant fling and were good dads to their kids and treated their mums well too. One of them moved with his GF to be closer to baby.

I honestly think if this was as good as you thought it wouldn't have ended with him choosing another woman who he had only spent a fortnight with(?) baby or not.

To be honest something about this is off but I can't put my finger on it. Why would such a grounded sensible bloke not wear a johnny? Why was she so willing to let a virtual stranger/holiday fling be a part of her life while pregnant? Why did she keep the baby of a holiday fling? Did he offer the relationship or did she suggest it? Why did he not tell you for a few weeks?

You can't know the answers to these questions and your history of crappy relationships makes it unlikely you're seeing it all clearly.

An absence of drama isn't the same as being in a perfect relationship and the speed he shot off to make a life with a woman he'd known a fortnight is not convincing me he was the grounded, devoted, committed and reliable man you think he was.

@lilmishap yes!! I was feeling the same misgivings, but couldn't put my finger on it. And top marks for the term "johnny" which I haven't heard in a while 🤣

OP, hang in there. I think when we long for a loving relationship, the temptation to join up the dots to make the picture we WANT to see, instead of what's really there, can be overwhelming. Your patience will be rewarded eventually.

let it go...that ship has passed.

Now that you recognize someone who treats you nicer, you will find another. And honestly, he has (emotional) baggage now, and it would be complicated.

I think the main question here has nothing to do with him, or this relationship: Why do you feel you have to 'hate yourself', rather than being a nice person who made an error?

Don't underestimate how isolated the COVID situation has made so many of us feel. You might have a sense, now, of never meeting anyone so nice ever again, but it's skewed a bit by gloomy circumstances in which actually meeting people is not that easy. Hold tight OP, this too will pass!

Well you could always text him as a friend and ask after the baby
His answer will give you what you need to know
As he is either settled with her (unlikely )
With someone new
Or single and maybe pining for you

Why exactly did you end it? You got scared? Nobody ends a relationship because they're just too happy and madly in love. There was more to it than that.

It's absolutely normal and natural to have feelings like this after a breakup, especially if it was a bad one or a bad relationship. I just think you might be rose tinting it because you wouldn't have ended it because you just loved each other so much and it was all so wonderful.