Need some opinions please

[SalamanderSally]

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it to be linked to other postings but I’m a long term Mnetter.

My DP and I have had a bit a falling out and I’d like some opinions on who’s in the wrong.

This morning I woke up and had to dash to the toilet as whatever I ate last night didn’t agree with me at all. I felt sick, shaky and generally unwell. I still had to get the kids lunches done so cracked on. DP kept asking if I needed help when actually it was blatantly obviously I needed help.

I wasn’t able to answer him and almost fainted at this point - he went away to get ready for work and came back into the kitchen where I was knelt on the floor…he got me a couple of painkillers and a drink at this point and disappears off again.

So, I cracked on with the lunches. He comes back in the kitchen, sees I haven’t taken the pills and storms off out the house.

I get to work as I feel a bit better having got rid of the entire contents of my stomach and message asking why he’s so angry. He messages back saying I didn’t ask him for help and was ignoring him so why should he bother. I ask why he didn’t step in and finish the lunches off but because I didn’t take the pills I’m not helping myself. Also I knelt on the floor knowing I have a bad knee (I need an operation on it)

I explain that I wasn’t thinking straight this morning and needed to get everything done as he was just standing there asking if anything needed doing - I was trying to keep from fainting and just generally not feeling myself.

I’ve said he wasn’t using any initiative and that he should have just taken over when he could see I was struggling.

Anyway he’s called me a cunt over message and I can’t help thinking I’ve done nothing wrong? Opinions please

I don't see why you weren't capable of saying "yes please" when he asked if you needed help.
If you were carrying on regardless you were being a martyr.
But then you were fine to go to work so making some lunches wasn't the hardest task in the world.

I'm not sure why he thought you'd needed painkillers for a dicky tummy.

He shouldn't have called you a cunt or stormed off.

There's more going on than this issue, which is a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem itself.

Disagreements between people in healthy relationships don't result in 'whose fault is it?' thought processes. They don't result in name calling. One episode doesn't result in needing to ask a forum.

Does he usually treat you with love and respect? Has he got your back? Does he listen to and take on board your feelings?

He shouldn’t have called you a cunt, but you are being a bit of a martyr. Why not just say ‘yes please’ to help????
Hope you’re feeling better now

It wasn’t just saying yes please to the help - he apparently wanted to know exactly what he had to do. I was feeling so incredibly bad that I wasn’t able to answer him. There are underlying problems which I’ve come to recognise over the course of the day

Life really is too short to play these sorts of games. He offered help, that was your cue to say “yes, thanks, take we over making these lunches” rather than refuse the help because he asked rather than just doing. Then you could have had a lie down and felt better quickly, as opposed to both of you now having had a whole shitty day.

This sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship where neither of you communicate well and every annoyance turns into a saga. Is it a relationship worth being in any more?

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP. When you feel truly awful and under pressure to give someone an answer it can be hard to come up with anything when your body isn’t working properly. A compassionate person would recognise that you needed help in that moment not anger.

You sound rather dramatic and a bit (lot) of a martyr. Calling you a cunt was wrong, but so was you repeatedly ignoring his offers of help.

@SalamanderSally

It wasn’t just saying yes please to the help - he apparently wanted to know exactly what he had to do. I was feeling so incredibly bad that I wasn’t able to answer him. There are underlying problems which I’ve come to recognise over the course of the day

I just can't grasp how you felt unwell enough to not say "yes please finish the lunches" but well enough to finish the lunches yourself, plus do the school run and go to work.

Even if he was asking you what needed to be put in the bags you could've just said "anything".

Yes he should be competent enough to just take over but I still think you were intentionally being a martyr.

What do you suppose the underlying problems are, OP?

He shouldn’t have called you a cunt but then you should have said Dh I feel really ill, I’m staying in bed please can you sort the kids lunches and school drop off out then done that instead of going ahead with it all yourself

You were too ill to even get the words "yes please, finish the kids' lunches" out of your mouth but minutes later you were able to finish them yourself and then go to work?

He shouldn't have called you a cunt and there'd better be an apology for that but in his position I'd have considered calling you a drama queen.

People aren't mind-readers, especially not first thing in the morning when they're rushing around getting ready for work themselves.

You should have just said yes! All that drama just because you wanted him to second guess you. Bigger problems here to deal with I think. Not saying he was right to call you a cunt but why the excess martyrdom?!

Yes... lunches... please... (being sick between)

That's all you needed to say.

But it depends what things are usually like really.

You were being a martyr and childish in not just saying yes but when he saw how ill you were he should have insisted you go back to bed. One as bad as the other I'd say.