Hello

[Catdog12]

Hello all..
I've been a long long long time lurker on mumsnet and have never actually made a post before. So I apologise in advance if I've not put it in the correct area.

I literally have no one else to talk to about this so please no judgment just advice etc...

So my husband and I have been together for 14 years, and we have 2 beautiful children.

My husband has always had a anger problem, there has been numerous times where I've had no interior doors, numerous things have been smashed and broken all because he loses his temper and breaks things, I just want to add that there has been times where he has been physical with me, mainly after he had a drink and I was always in the wrong place in the wrong time.... the last time he was physically abusive to me was over 5 years ago and since then he never drinks to much to the point to how drunk he was that night, I was literally leaving him and taking our 2 children because it was really bad that one time.....

But he still has a short fuse now and then and things still have been broken by him but he hasn't been physically abusive since back then. I always said I wouldn't hesitate to leave.

My life revolves around my children and my husband, I have a job that I love and I'm genuinely in such a happy place in my life.

Last night us 4 were watching a film and my husband just had such a miserable attitude, if me or the kids spoke or got up to get drinks etc he just moaned and moaned... he's like this when we watch a film he just wants us all to sit in silence basically and watch the film etc.
But our son didn't want to watch the end of the movie as he was bored of it so my husband sent him to bed then sulked and sent our other child to bed because we couldn't watch the end without us all there..... I have no idea why...

But then once I settled the kids in bed I tried to talk to him and make him see how unreasonable it is to make us just sit there and not talk or anything, and he said that the kids always ruin the movies with talking etc... so I said well maybe it's not the kids that ruin all the family movies... maybe it's actually you, so he got up and went to storm off to bed and I said what's the matter are you being a baby and storming off to bed....

Well he hit the roof, completely wiped off the lounge door, he did it with such force that the top corner of the door snapped off and is still hanging on the hinge... he then come over to me and said you know I'm struggling recently and you can't help but make comments like that... he stood over me and he kept on calling me a bitch, bitch you stupid scummy bitch... then he got close to my face and whilst still shouting at me and he put his hands over my face and mouth and squeezed really hard called me a scummy bitch again, then he let go and went to bed....

I slept on the sofa.. do when he got up for work this morning he was banging around the house got his packed lunch which I make for him every day, and then slammed the front door on his way out..

Now I know what you all will say... and yeah I probably know too, but when he doesn't have these outbursts, he honestly is a lovely man, who always says that I'm the best wife he could have ever imagined etc.... but how can he say that but also speak to me in the way he did last night.

I do everything for him, and he is honestly the love of my life, but I just want to know if there is actually a way for this anger outbursts to stop... or will it be something that is always going to happen whilst we are together.

I apologise for the long post.

He’s going to kill you one of these days or seriously injure you or your children

I hope you put some cyanide in his sandwiches

Call women’s aid for some help whilst he’s out

Why are you tolerating such shitty behaviour?
You need to think about how his appalling behaviour will effect your children. If you have daughters they will grow up with the idea that this ugly violent behaviour is acceptable. If you have sons, then by the time they are teenagers , they will be very angry young men and all hell will break lose.
Your situation sounds awful, and your home life would be much healthier , calmer and peaceful without this angry pig of a man in it. Who on earth would want to put up with this ?

It will always happen. What makes you think it will stop? Is he looking into anger management courses? Does he talk to you about how worried he is that this will affect the kids? What active steps is he taking to rectify his behaviour, and how keen is he to protect you and the kids by, for example, finding somewhere else to live for a while, whilst he gets himself together?

What is he DOING to rectify this?

who always says that I'm the best wife he could have ever imagined etc.... but how can he say that but also speak to me in the way he did last night

It's not what it seems, this. He's deliberately manipulating your emotions so that you don't leave. It's a classic move from the abuser's handbook, and it's working a treat on you.

Does this look familiar?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Think about the people you love. Think about doing to them the same things that he does to you. Reflect on it. Think about the vast difference between how you treat those you love, and how he treats those he loves.

He can be violent, he can physically abuse you, he can call you names, he can punish the children for no reason, he can swear and shout... and you say he's a lovely man.

If you go as far as talking during a film, you are a scummy bitch.

Do you see the imbalance here?

Maybe there is a way for him to learn to manage his anger, but there is no way that YOU can manage his anger. So the problem is, you are the one asking the question and not him.

Unless he admits its a problem and gets help, then yes this is your life and your childrens life for the rest of your lives. It sounds awful

Catdog12

re your comment:-
"I do everything for him, and he is honestly the love of my life, but I just want to know if there is actually a way for this anger outbursts to stop... or will it be something that is always going to happen whilst we are together".

Why do you do everything for him?. Did you see your mother do the same with her husband/your father?.

What you're describing here is domestic violence and you've become inurred and otherwise ground down to his abuses of you and in turn your children. I would think your kids fear their dad as much as you do; they certainly do not adore him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to be treated in their own adult relationships like you are being?.

No it will not stop whilst you and he are under the same roof. He does this because he can and he feels entitled to do this to you. Men like this HATE WOMEN, ALL OF THEM. He does not act like this around other people in polite company or in front of work colleagues does he, no its to you people that his violence and abuse is aimed at. If he can control himself around others he has not got an anger management issue.

He is angry because he is abusive and not because he is angry.
Abuse like this too is not a relationship problem; abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you all. His actions are in no way loving ones.

You need to talk to Womens Aid here as they can help clarify your thoughts further. I would also not hesitate to involve the police now either; they are far more aware of domestic abuse these days. Life with him under the same roof is no longer an option, let alone tenable for you or your kids.

Abusers are "nice" sometimes because if they were not, no-one would want to be with them. What you're seeing from him is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

You need to be speaking to women’s aid about how you can safely leave him before he really hurts you or one of your kids.

Have you ever asked yourself what you wouldn't tolerate? I.e. If he got so angry, he gave you a black eye? Or maybe a broken rib? How bad does it have to get?

It doesn't really matter that he's nice the other times. He is a violent, abusive man and a poor father.

I grew up with this, heard all the screaming, shouting and it's really taken its toll on me. He didn't kill my mum so I suppose he wasn't that bad?

Leave OP, you need to be strong and leave.