How do I reconcile myself to an unloving mother?

[stormcloudgathering]

I’m the adopted daughter of an 84 year old woman who has become intolerable.
Our relationship has been turbulent since I was 13 but of late I utterly dread any contact with her.
(Before I go any further I should mention that I have contacted her GP surgery to voice my concerns; her mother died with some form of dementia and my major worry is one of safeguarding)

She is belligerent, vicious, angry, and her opinion of me is subterranean.
To give just one (of many) example. Many years ago I was engaged to a very violent man. The relationship came to an end when he stabbed me. He wasn’t charged because back in the 80s there was no such time as a domestic violence unit within the police. “It’s a domestic, luv, we don’t get involved”
When I told the motherling her response was “well, what did you do to provoke him?”

She is pathologically incapable of showing any love although she would deny this vehemently.

Her constant criticism, meanness, intransigence, and inability to apologise have cast a long shadow over my life and, have left me filled with self loathing, anxiety, depression.

I’m on the horns of a dilemma now. She comes from long lived stock; her mother died when she was 97 so I have potentially another 13 years of this.
I live about an hour away from her. I no longer visit her because she’s too nasty and I then have to drive home in tears.

I don’t feel that I can just abandon her. If she’s as unpleasant to her “support network” in her village as she is to me she’ll find herself alone. But the prospect of suffering more abuse, especially if her mental capacity is in decline, is an unpalatable one.

There are two other (younger) children with whom I have no contact.

Her husband died 20 years ago.

Do I suck it up or abandon her to her fate?

The consequences of her behaviour are hers alone to bear not yours. Just safeguard yourself and leave her to bare those consequences, you wouldn't put up with a friend affecting your mental health this way so by no means should you accept it from someone who is supposed to love and support you unconditionally.

Her age and her relationship to you doesn't give her a free pass to treat you like this.

She was once young and abusive towards you and now she is old and abusive. She being old does not give her a free pass to treat you abusively now and she has not given your feelings any consideration whatsoever. There is no need for you to give her any consideration now.

Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could help you no end.

Do not further suck it up from her and adopt a no contact position. Safeguard your own self. Contacting her in any way is not doing you any good at all physically or mentally and you're really under no obligation now re her. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Age is not an excuse to behave in such horrible way.
Leave her be, you owe her nothing.

My grandmother used to say: “You reap what you sow”.

Ironically she never got any visits from her children during the last years of her life, because although not as abusive as your adoptive mother by the sounds of it, she was a manipulative and selfish person. I wouldn’t judge you if you didn’t visit her. Maybe she could have considered her current situation when she was abusing you in the past, when you were the vulnerable one. You’re completely entitled and reasonable to put your own needs first, not hers.

*the possible scenario of her current situation

I'm so sorry for what you have been through with this woman. By two other children do you mean your siblings? Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and well and do the minimum for her to keep her safe but be as uninvolved as you can be.

Have you had any therapy by the way? I wondered as I read your post if you have sat with anyone with some of these completely justified feelings.

Just walk away. No adult is responsible for their parent.

Thank you to everyone for responding.
I’ve had much therapy over the years. It of course changes nothing about her behaviour or increases my understanding of why she behaves like this.
I’ve tried to discuss my feelings with her and she shuts me down, every time.
She simply will not acknowledge her culpability in anything she says or does.
She is beyond mean as well. She gives me utter crap for birthdays etc. I give her lovely things which go unappreciated in the vain hope that it might provoke some sort of kindness in here. It never has but like a child I keep on searching for her approval.

She speaks none of the 5 love languages to me at all.

I’m not related by blood to either of her other children. My younger sister was also adopted, my much younger brother is biologically hers and sadly carries many of her ugly traits.
I have no contact with either of them because they too are toxic so I walked away.

You need to do what is best for you, whether it be no contact, little contact,....
You do not "owe" her anything. That's not how parenting works. My children will not be responsible for me in my old age and any relationship we have will be because I love them and they love me, not out of duty or obligation.

Have you had therapy for you and not for your relationship with her? As you say, therapy won't change a damn thing about her, that's true for therapy for all of us when we sit there in an attempt to change another person, just something about how you write makes me wonder if you have sat in therapy just for you or are you still sat there as an extension of her? It's a hard severance to make, but I think it's our best way to psychological freedom.

My mental health issues have their genesis in the appalling way I was brought up.
I was terrified of both parents. They were very unpredictable; I never knew how they would be when I got home from school.
Well, I kind of did; I would be in trouble, I just didn’t know what I had done to upset them that particular day. The punishment was never proportionate to the “crime” either. The merest infraction would elicit the harshest retribution.
At my lowest moments I’m resolute in my belief that I’m no more than a space occupying lesion.
Sadly I have no partner to counter that belief.

If we have had difficult or abusive parents, once they reach old age, many of us have a similar 'dilemma'. If you don't know already, you could take a look at "Out of the Fog" website forum, there is even a particular section on this. Mumsnet "Elderly Parents" forum also occasionally touch on this.

I have been in a similar situation, though my mother only became abusive when I was a teenager. For decades I put up with these episodes, occasionally with periods of NC. The latest period of NC may be more permanent.

When I literally walked out after her last abusive episode I later also felt a (slight) relief that I wouldn;t need to look after her anymore. She is mid-80s. If she only had a short time to live I could possibly maybe cope with LC. But. like yours OP, my mother could live for another 10 years + and I already found the limited arranging of things - handymen, shopping etc already too much for my own health and I am not getting any younger.

Your mother sounds absolutely horrendous, though I agree with quazc above, that you get to decide what contact, if any, you have with her. It is only something you can decide. But from what you've described you owe her nothing anyway. And she will do just fine without you.

Oh you poor thing! How terribly you’ve suffered

You do need to walk away and leave her to it, she has others to care for her, SS can care for her too.

You deserve better than this from her, you deserve to be loved.

How the hell we manage to convince ourselves we’re worth it, I don’t know, but we do. Fake it till ya make it I suppose

Start by loving the woman you are, remind yourself of the kindness you’ve shown, focus on what your intentions and wishes have been, they’re the kind and loving part of you. Now turn that kindness towards yourself

Start by walking away from this woman, start by choosing YOU. Find a way to find your peace. I swim. It’s a place I love to be and it shuts everything else out. I glide effortlessly and gracefully and push myself further and faster as I get better and better at it.

What do you like to lose yourself in? Do that and be proud of the person you are inspire of the horrors you suffered.

Lovely post Mz and I concur with everything you say

I’ve had much therapy over the years. It of course changes nothing about her behaviour or increases my understanding of why she behaves like this

Nothing ever will. Your therapy is to make you understand, believe, and respect this simple fact:

You are not responsible for her.

That's the start and end of this story. Grip it with both hands, or slide down the slope of an unknown count of years as her victim.

I had this with my father. Free yourself. It's life changing.

And good luck

I have people close to me who have had horrible mothers. I have come to realise that if they can't love you when you are tiny and need them then they are not capable of loving. You owe them nothing. It breaks my heart that people I love and who are so lovable were not loved by the person who should have loved them most in the world.
You will only be hurt more if you try and continue the relationship.

And you don't need to understand her behaviour. It's not your fault. You can't change her. I am so sorry but if she wasn't kind to you you have no obligation to her now. Why should you care for her?

I'm so sorry for the appauling environment you grew up in. That sounds like a ripe recipe for a lifetime of self hatred. The 'parents' of your childhood did a right number on you and your only way 'out' is to reach out to the child you were and let her know who is the adult now and how life will be from here on in. No partner will do this for you. I know this because I am married and my mental health has fallen apart repeatedly in relationship with this man, and it has nothing to do with him. It is always ghosts from my past. No friend, no co worker, no partner, no child, no one else can do this work for you but you. You are the captain of this ship. Please go back to therapy and reclaim yourself. You are in there, we can all see it in your writing.

@Mudday
That was not helpful.

@Valeriekat
I appreciate and respect your understated (always effective) response. However, Elder Abuse, not discussed enough, exists whether people like to acknowledge it or not.

I think now is the time OP for you to live without having to deal with your mother’s meanness, anger and abuse any longer. I hope you get the peace and freedom you deserve. You owe her nothing.

@Mudday. I am not saying elderly abuse doesn't exist. No one is. No one is suggesting that the OP abuses her adopted Mum. Crikey. Is that how you are reading this thread?

You owe her nothing - cut her loose. Maybe her son will step up, if not the state will take over.

As an aside have you ever looked for your biological mother? I was also adopted and had a very distant relationship with my adoptive parents. PM me if you like.