Disappointed

[Tjsmjs]

I am probably being very unreasonable but can’t help but feel disappointed.
DH is away with work for the next 2 months. He went away 2 weeks ago. Things haven’t started off well with a broken oven, child off sick and a few other things. Nothing that was his fault but basically made the juggling of him being away that much more complicated and hard.
Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday. I get a message from him telling me where he has his my card and present. Open my card to see it is signed from him and not DS. Present is a small thing I had asked for. I’m grateful he got it for me but I just feel disappointed that he hadn’t done anything on DS behalf for me (DS is 1)- just a card. I know I’m being pathetic but it just sometimes feels like I’m keeping everything going at the moment and it isn’t being appreciated.

Happy birthday! 🍾

OP i think you are just overwhelmed with work and keeping everything afloat at the moment. DS is one. I wouldn't have remembered to add at that age probably and he is also no doubt stress about work

Happy birthday for yesterday.
Two months is ages, especially at that age, what a pain. He has managed to organise your present in advance, so not a total fail.
I don't think I gave presents on behalf of the kids at that age either tbh.
Order in a nice meal for yourself and let your household duties slide for a while.

I know what it's like to have 1 parent away working. They feel like they're busy at work but you're left exhausted doing absolutely everything else.

If your DS is only 1 your DH is probably still getting the hang of what cards and presents he should be doing on his behalf. A present from DS would be nice but it sounds like he remembered the cards and a present from himself.

It's a bit pants you're not together for your birthday. I second what a previous poster said that you should treat yourself tonight to a nice dinner and perhaps a fun day out with DS tomorrow to mark the event.

It isn’t pathetic, you’re clearly tired and emotional. But DS is a baby. A card and present “from him” is still just a card and present from your DH, who has already got you a card and present. When DS is old enough to be taken to the shops to pick you out something he thinks you’d like is when it actually means something.

Thanks everyone. I know I’m just being a bit sensitive. I’m used to him working away- usually for a few weeks at a time but this is the first trip longer than 2 weeks since I’ve been back at work. Work is pretty awful at the moment plus there is lots of staff sickness. I’m constantly being asked to come in but have to say no as I don’t have last minute childcare which leaves me feeling guilty. So that probably isn’t helping.
I’ve just ordered a new oven so hopefully that will be sorted soon.
I’d of just liked a card signed from DS, a present would of been a bonus but to not even think of signing our sons name is disappointing (I realise from the OP it isn’t clear- there was no card from our son). He is also missing our sons bday in a couple of weeks. I organised a card from him which I got him to sign before he left and he did buy him a special present from him so he can be thoughtful. Just not when it comes to me I guess- it is just automatic to me to sign DS’s name when I write a card so it never occurred to me that he wouldn’t remember to.

Hm, I get the kids presents from the dog, so am open to the idea of pretending that someone has got someone a gift, but I wouldn't see it as thoughtlessness or forgetfulness if someone didn't do that. I'd more likely assume that they didn't believe in the concept. Are you sure your dh forgot? Is this actually about him being thoughtless in other ways, and this just being the tip of the iceberg, for instance?

My exh was a workaholic and refused to take time off when the kids were sick even though he could have - it ultimately lost me my job, as my then employer didn't understand why it was always me taking time off, either. Your dh is not physically able to take the time off, being absent, so he has a good excuse. But he should be on team Tjsmjs, making sure that his absence doesn't affect your career by encouraging you to arrange proper childcare. Do you feel unsupported?

YANBU. I didn't get a card from my DD on my first birthday after she was born. I felt the same as you and explained it to DP and he was really apologetic. He understood completely and just hadn't considered buying one.

I've had cards ever since. Just talk to him x

Happy birthday 🥳

Why do you feel guilty if you can’t do last minute shifts? If you can’t, you can’t, you’re not being selfish etc. It’s not your problem.

Together with your sadness about the lack of card, it sounds to me like you are feeling low snd a bit overwhelmed, which is understandable. Do you family or friends nearby to support you?

Your DH has done nothing wrong per se, but maybe share with him that you would like to get birthday/Xmas/mother’s day cards from DS which, given DS is a baby, means DH has to take that responsibility. He can’t know what you want if you don’t tell him.

Thanks for the bday wishes.

He generally is quite thoughtful- he decided do a little gift from just him for DS. I had already organised his present but he wanted him to have a special daddy gift with him being away. He did Mother’s Day things both years from DS, and for my bday last year. So I guess he forgot this year but when you add in all the other stresses I’m under at the moment it just feels a bit disappointing. He knows I’m quite sentimental person and has always tried to make it special for me- even when he is away. He is military so we’ve had many bday/Xmas apart now.

The guilt I feel work wise is multi factorial I guess. I work in healthcare and pre-DS I would swap shifts all the time to help out. It just isn’t possible for me now. We get a lot of pressure from consultants/managers to fill gaps and it is made out we aren’t a team player if we don’t. Also I do worry about the safety of patients when staffing is low and general burn out amongst colleagues but that is a whole another thread.

I’m sure in a few days I will feel much better as I’ll hopefully have a working oven, DS will be back in nursery and the other house admin piling up with have been sorted. But tonight I think I’ll have a takeaway, a hot bath and maybe get some nice chocolate as well.

Think you're projecting with the work stress. He sounds lovely.