WWYD marriage broken down and so fed up

[Thiswayout]

NC'd for this.

Basically marriage and any sort of relationship, friendship and communication has broken down in the last couple of years. If I'm honest, I've never felt he has ever been deeply committed to the marriage and a lot of the physical and emotional effort to build a marriage and home life has been on my part. He is and always has been a very passive person, and goes quickly to passive aggressive.

Gone from arguing about it to not even trying. I mostly feel alone, abandoned, neglected. When I try to talk to him about it, he bats it all back or is completely blank and refuses to talk. I spend day and alone, made worse by working from home. Typical day is 1 or 2 sentences from him, usually to ask if I want a cuppa or that he's going to pick up DC.

I am thoroughly sick of it. When I try to talk him it's defensiveness and shutting down. I'm now disengaged whereas in the past I would've driven myself crazy, screaming and shouting to be heard. I've said to him several times I want to separate and I would like to discuss how we do this. Because he refuses to engage and blames me, I've given in again and again and his latest phrase is "we need to stay together for DC sake, at any cost". We have been trying to move house to a better area for 2 years. He now wants us to move together nearer to a better school. Although he isn't doing anything of the practical things to enable this, it's me running around like a headless chicken. My gut feeling is to move with DC and without H so I can start a new life but I'm scared it's not the right decision. I work full time and earn a decent enough wage. I am so fed up. Obviously don't want to break up the family unit but this is killing me.

WWYD, any words of wisdom please.

Sorry that's a long one.

You don’t have to negotiate with him; if you want to leave him then put a plan together and tell him it’s happening- regardless of what he wants. Speak to a lawyer today

@Shoxfordian thanks, I understand that I can just put my plan together and tell him it's happening but do we not need to agree childcare arrangements etc? I'm scared that I would be accused to taking away DC. I've tried to talk to him before about if we separated what would happen to DC. But I get blanked until I give up and shut up. I arranged to speak to a solicitor several times but chickened out. I feel so stupid.

Of course splitting is the right decision. Growing up in this environment isn't going to do your dc any good. Is this the model of relationships you want them to follow?

Of course he won't engage about contact/access arrangements, because he doesn't want to split. And yes, he'll likely accuse you of all sorts, but people separate all the time and work out co-parenting.

You need to start the process. You don't need his agreement. You don't need his permission.

Once you've split, you will be able to discuss contact, but you're not going to get his co-operation while he thinks he can make you stay.

He can say what he wants but you’re in charge of whether you stay married or not; if you speak to a solicitor then they’ll explain all the options for you and you can take the next steps
Be brave

If you think it's a horrible, cold, unbearably awful situation for you to live in, how must be for your DC? Kids pick up on this stuff, they're not immune to it, and yours must see their parents barely communicating and screaming and shouting (as you said you've done in the past) and it could be making them just as miserable. Do you really want them to grow up in such a toxic environment, where Dad acts as though he hates Mum? For their sakes, end the marriage and go be happy. A good solicitor will help you negotiate access etc.

I’m in a very similar position so reading with interest

I really do think people often live out as adults what they see I'm childhood.
I'm one of five siblings and we have all ended up with people similar to our opposite sex parent (all straight).
There are a lot of similarities, down to communication style, division of labour etc
We are fortunate in that my parents are still together and happy.
So while for instance one of my sisters was infuriated by our fathers poor emotional communication and has married a much more talkative man.
The other sister and I are comfortable with our husbands that do the hoovering and change the sheets on the bed if they know we need cheering up!
What part of your marriage do you want your child(ren) to emulate?
If it's none book your solicitors appointment and start making a better life for yourself and them.
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but I have noticed that parents will do things for their children that they won't for themselves.
Good luck

I think I'm right in that no fault divorces can happen after April? Get a head start on the rush.
Your feelings are valid. your stbx will talk when circumstances change. One teeny thing to note, in my experience, my ex would walk out the room when I begged him to talk to me or listen to how I was feeling or have any kind of discussion which would involve changes. I went to solicitors and started the divorce. THEN he wanted to talk. I was irreversibly done. So he then told everyone that HE wanted to save the marriage and talk blah blah but I refused. So he became the martyr victim of uncaring me.
The injustice still mildly stings but I can happily live with it.

Thanks for all the replies.

I feel wracked with guilt and fear I guess. I'm scared of going it alone. It sounds stupid but if I leave with DC it will just be me as the only adult in the house. Granted he does muck in with housework and chores. However I feel like I'm being punished with the silent treatment for complaining about the marriage. His attitude is very much that the marriage is not in a good way but he doesn't do much in the way to make things better through better communication. When pressed he just says that "everyday life is busy" and he just wants to get "through the day". My frustration and heartbreak at his attitude has gone beyond what I can take. My physical health and sanity is suffering.

@twoandeights sorry you are in a similar position . I'd love to hear your story and what you are doing in this situation.

@Loudestcat14 @category12 yes I know I need to be brave and talk to a solicitor. I just need to take that step.

I got myself to a point of thinking I can take my time and not rush this but then there is the very real situation of moving house this side of Christmas (for various reasons) and the thought of going along with it all and busting a gut to do all that whilst he merrily gets to come for the ride and then being stuck again in a new home with him... is enough to make me want to jump off a cliff. Sorry I'm rambling.

It’s all about stages. You need to tell him that the marriage is over for you and that you will be starting the divorce process. Don’t get into arguments about taking the children or keeping the house.

That process will involve mediation which will help you decide on arrangements for the children. You can’t take them away from him. His rights are equal to yours. Any arrangement will be a co parent one with you living apart. It could be 50:50 or whatever works best for the children. If they are teens it will really be what they want.

Mediation will also be where you sort out the money. Basically everything will be split unless one of you has a greater need. If you both earn about the same then expect 50:50.

Whatever gets agreed in mediation will then be signed off in court. If you don’t agree then the court decides for you.

My advice would be to allow him time to digest that the divorce is happening when you first tell him. Don’t get dragged into or even start a discussion about who gets the house and the children. Neither of you do. The next stage is about agreeing that and you will both have rights.

The outcome of the divorce will be you both share parenting in separate homes and you are both worse off financially. But you will have your independence back.

@M0rT that's a really useful way to seeing it. I can exactly see our marriage has gone the way of his parents. His mum passed away before we met but how he has described his childhood to me was his parents basically leading separate lives, including every evening Mum with the kids watching TV, Dad in his own room not to be disturbed. Now that's becoming my reality too.

my ex would walk out the room when I begged him to talk to me or listen to how I was feeling or have any kind of discussion which would involve changes.

@2catsandhappy yes this is what's happening to me exactly. He walks off or I'm met with the either a blank state, I don't know what to say or it's hard to talk to you. I'm glad you found your freedom from this. Thanks I didn't realise about the no fault divorce change, I will take a look.

I am so grateful for the responses here. Thank you.

Sorry I'm so longwinded but have few people to talk to IRL. The pressing issue is moving home now as our lease is coming to an end (both names on it) and a good chance to move to a better area and more space. Do I go it alone now and take DC with me or move as a family and work out the divorce later? I am really unsure what to do.

@Thiswayout

I am so grateful for the responses here. Thank you.

Sorry I'm so longwinded but have few people to talk to IRL. The pressing issue is moving home now as our lease is coming to an end (both names on it) and a good chance to move to a better area and more space. Do I go it alone now and take DC with me or move as a family and work out the divorce later? I am really unsure what to do.

That’s something you need to discuss with him. He is the children’s father and his children cannot be taken from him. Sadly you need to consider your finances. Many couples have to stay together for a period because they can’t afford 2 homes. What can you both afford assuming you both need equal sized houses.

If you decide to live separately the children will have 2 homes. They will need to be close to school and their friends.

Committing to a house that will be unaffordable if you then separate would be foolish for either of you.

How likely is he to move out once you move?
I’d guess not particularly which could mean you have to move your children again. If that’s correct you owe it to your kids to make the process as easy as possible (he does too but can you rely on him to?) - so move without him. The end of a joint lease seems like a good time to end things to me

I’m sorry you’re going through this

@Thiswayout

I am so grateful for the responses here. Thank you.

Sorry I'm so longwinded but have few people to talk to IRL. The pressing issue is moving home now as our lease is coming to an end (both names on it) and a good chance to move to a better area and more space. Do I go it alone now and take DC with me or move as a family and work out the divorce later? I am really unsure what to do.

How far away is this new area? How soon does the lease end? If you both want to move to this area and you have a enough time you could potentially all move, but you and he move into separate houses and share DCs care. If it's far away moving with DC and yourself might not be an option.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons I should have said that the new area is not far at all, it's more like moving to "other side of the tracks" within the same town but a nicer part. The lease ends in December, hence the opportunity to move now.

@RelapsedChocoholic no he's not likely to move at all from a new place and that's what I'm fearful of. I'm finding it very difficult to even fathom accepting moving with him when the relationship is so dead and the communication is non existent and bordering on hostile.

He's making it clear that his view is stay together for our DC sake at any cost. He's said in the marriage counselling he wants to stay and the counsellor has asked him if he understands that means he needs to start communicating. In fact we have just tried to have a discussion just now and he has said he wants me to put "aside your feelings so we can all move together for DCs sake"

hi OP, I was in a very similar position with my wife (there’s a post here somewhere) and I finally plucked up the courage to end it. I loved my wife dearly but the marriage was so broken and she had no interest to do anything about it. I feel the same as you do about kids but ultimately they thrive in households where they have positive, happy role models.

My wife moved out last week after we decided its the end about a month ago. We are working through childcare arrangements etc, but as someone said further up, the decision about the marriage is distinct from everything else that follows.

For me, these are still very painful / hurtful steps. The kids are mainly living with me and I think without anyone saying it, it feels like we ‘lost’ a wife/mum. This family has been my purpose for the last 12 years, and although it is such a difficult process to go through, the alternative of being in an unhappy household modelling negative behaviours and relationship patterns for my kids is simply not an option for me.

In terms of your husband’s desire to move forward together, 1) that needs to be accompanied by actions and 2) it does not mean your desire to move on (if that is the case) is any less valid. I do feel that it is best to work things out if you can but there must be participation and mutual respect from the both of you.