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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help please?

25 replies

Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 18:19

Hi. I'm 39 and I've been with bf for 20 years and he's my first and only relationship & we have 2 sons.

He's been emotionally controlling over the years, hates my family, leading me to become very withdrawn. I've began to resent him. The sex life is almost non existent and I don't really like being around him. Despite this, I still feel so attached to him. I want to split, but I'm so scared at the thought of being alone, I'm scared of hurting him, and scared that I'm making a mistake.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Hehx3 · 07/10/2021 18:49

I was there OP, alone is soooooo much better turns out 😁 please don't waste your life and health being unhappy xx

ojojojoja · 07/10/2021 18:53

get yourself some therapy (free on NHS) and get yourself out of the relationship! don't feel guilty for leaving him.

Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 18:54

Thanks for the reply @Hehx3. I suffer with bad anxiety. It's thought of somehow breaking the news to him, as he's been nice the past few months. The thought of being alone is terrifying for me, but this is really starting to affect my mental health.

I'm almost resigned to just living as I am and staying unhappy. I haven't got the courage for it 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 18:56

@ojojojoja thanks for the reply. I can't help but feel guilty. He's all I've even known as an adult

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 07/10/2021 18:58

You are only 39. You have been with him half of that. You don't need to be unhappy for the next half of your life

Hehx3 · 07/10/2021 19:01

What helped me is therapy - gave me clarity and enough strengths to do it- and I was exhausted in the end. Its not easy to make a jump and if you are low even harder, look after yourself. Life doesn't have to be like, don't allow him (it is easy to be nice for few months - most likely a pattern anyway).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2021 19:01

Despite this, I still feel so attached to him. I want to split, but I'm so scared at the thought of being alone, I'm scared of hurting him, and scared that I'm making a mistake.

You're likely to be trauma bonded as a result of the abuse he has and continues to mete out both to you and in turn your kids. You're really alone now within this relationship so being "alone" i.e by yourself with your children is a far better proposition. He has not ever given you any consideration re hurting you so you should not have to feel scared about "hurting" him; he has done you more than enough harm already.
Staying with him would be a huge mistake on your part.

Your children cannot afford to see you as their mother being abused by their father because they could go onto to repeat that themselves.

You met this person when you were 19 and had little to no real life experience behind you. This man targeted you deliberately and has used you to his own ends. Isolating you from your family and other support networks is a tactic abusive men employ against their target. Giving you spaghetti head is also par for the course for abusers to inflict on their target. Abuse too is insidious in its onset and often creeps up on people unaware.

I would urge you to reach out to Womens Aid as they can and will help you leave here if that is what you want to do. You can also look at the Freedom Programme online.

Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:13

@KirstenBlest I agree. It's just trying to find the mental strength to do it

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 07/10/2021 19:16

Think what you want your life to be like.
Being single again takes a bit of getting used to.

Where do you want to live? Where will your DC live.

You need legal advice.

forgotmyusernamagain · 07/10/2021 19:18

You won't be alone
You'll have your children , your family , your friends
Plus all the new friends you'll meet along the way of your new lifestyle
Life's too short to be unhappy

Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:20

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for your thoughts. Yes he dislikes all my family and it's always there fault when an issue arises. I started to feel guilty for seeing my family, and I've since cut some of them off, as I know it always causes an argument when I come back home.

I'm generally a very quiet and timid person, and I have brushed many things under the carpet just for an easy life. But this I feel has made me a weak person. I'm disappointed in myself for not having the courage to just end the relationship.

Its always very subtle from him, so I don't think the kids would detect anything (just yet anyway). I'm not even sure if he's knows he actually emotionally controlling me? But I do feel like I have to walk on eggshells at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:21

@forgotmyusernamagain yes thats a nice positive thought. It's just I feel so down, everything just seems cloudy in my head

OP posts:
forgotmyusernamagain · 07/10/2021 19:23

Would you have somewhere to go ? How old are the children

northernlight20 · 07/10/2021 19:25

I was like this, and allowed my marriage to last 22yrs and affect my kids when it should have ended years ago. Been 4months since I kicked him out and other than my mistake at old, it’s been the most peaceful 4months of my adult life and the kids are so much happier. Find the strength from somewhere, and you will never look back.

Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:29

@forgotmyusernamagain They are 10 and 7. Housing wise I will be fine. The big hurdle is actually having the courage to do it. Some days I get this urge to just say it, then it passes and I spend all day looking online reading about seperations. It's like a vicious circle I'm stuck in

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:30

@northernlight20 thanks for the encouragement. Even though I know I need to do it, I still feel this huge sense of guilt 😔

OP posts:
layladomino · 07/10/2021 19:38

Please don't consider his feelings in this. You are a decent person so naturally you are thinking of others. But this man has abused you emotionally, controlled you, distanced you from your family, made you tread on eggshells, made you a shadow of your former self. Why are you worrying about his feelings? How much time has he spent worrying about yours? He has walked all over your feelings for his own advantage. He doesn't deserve your consideration.

He will always put himself first. Above you, and above your children. He can take care of himself. So you should put you and the children first. And what's best for you, and your children, is to be away from this awful man.

Don't be frightened - being single, in a calm, safe, happy home where you are free to do what you like, and enjoy time with your children without stress, is just WONDERFUL!

Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:39

@KirstenBlest we dont own our home. He would be the one going, probably back to his mum's house.

I can sometimes picture a happy life. I think I've been so used to be unhappy, its become normal

OP posts:
Lolabray · 07/10/2021 19:46

Can you speak to someone about the emotional abuse ?

Lolabray · 07/10/2021 19:46

I mean like a domestic violence agency?

Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:47

@layladomino thanks for the encouragement. What you say is very true..I've become a shadow of my former self.

I'm a people pleaser and have difficulties saying no and standing up for myself.

I've slowly been mentally broken down 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 19:52

@Lolabray I don't know. And not sure what I would gain from it. I have to accept it or leave. He wont change. He's a very dominate kind of personal, he's always in the right

OP posts:
Lolabray · 07/10/2021 20:43

You don’t know til you try! Just having a chat about what you have been through can help.

Original poster
Unhappylady8 · 07/10/2021 22:30

@Lolabray yes you are right, no harm in trying it. I need all the help and support i can get. Thanks again

OP posts:
Lolabray · 08/10/2021 07:20

@ Unhappylady8 someone once said never turn down support.

I was in a very bad marriage for a long time and tried to get out.I feel your pain. When I finally did I realised I should have got out sooner.

Life’s too short to be unhappy

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