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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Called police on partner, feeling lost

25 replies

Merrygirl848 · 07/10/2021 17:40

Hello everyone I am in need of support. My partner of 2 years has been emotionally abusive and sometimes physical. When physical it has been pushing, grabbing and and things like that.
A few weeks ago we got into an argument and he berated me about having a miscarriage, telling me it was my fault. Among other nasty things. The night before he had shoved me.
I was at boiling point, totally shaken especially after what had happened the night before. I called the police and told them what he had done the night before. When he realized what I was doing he ran out the door.
When the police showed up I explained what happened and showed the bruises from where he grabbed me. I also showed pictures of bruises from previous times.
The officer told me that he will probably have a warrant for his arrest. I feel so confused.
He texted called and I did not respond at first. Then he pleaded and apologized. We have reconciled. Please if you can just give support. I feel so confused about my decision and what will happen.
He has not even mentioned me phoning the police. Should I say something?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2021 17:42

Phone them again somewhere quiet if you can because he will be violent to you again. Don’t be sucked back into this

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/10/2021 17:42

You've felt the need to involve police for a reason, stick to that reason he will do it again.

Howshouldibehave · 07/10/2021 17:43

We have reconciled

That is the worrying part of your post.

You need to leave this abuser. Do you have anywhere you can go? Anyone you can trust?

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/10/2021 17:46

He has pleaded and apologised because he wants you to tell the police it was a mistake/ misunderstanding.

Once you've done that he'll revert to type and may increase his violent outbursts because you had the temerity to be 'disloyal' and recognise your own boundaries.

Tellmeee · 07/10/2021 17:47

Why have you ‘reconciled?’ Do you want to or just feel pressure to get back with him? You know you can’t trust him to not hurt you again, despite his apologies.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/10/2021 17:49

What will you do next time he hits you?

Lolabray · 07/10/2021 20:05

I work in the line of work around this and it will be recorded as a DV incident. It does have an impact on you and your family. You may receive a follow up call to check you are ok. They can offer support in this area x

AnotherLauraLou · 07/10/2021 20:20

Please stop TTC, a baby does not need to be brought into this environment.

Hen2018 · 07/10/2021 20:43

Don’t get pregnant.

Contact friends, family, Women’s Aid etc until you find support.

Seesawmummadaw · 07/10/2021 20:47

I’m so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this.

You are extremely vulnerable right now and calling the police was absolutely the right thing to do. Does anyone in real life know any of this?
He will hurt you again @Merrygirl848, he really will.
Please go somewhere where you are safe.

Miracle29 · 07/10/2021 20:47

Firstly op well done you took the steps to ring the police and get help and now you've taken those steps you need to keep that strength and keep him away..no matter how much you love him he will do this again and again. He tells you he's sorry he loves you he feels guilty because he knows you'll bow down and he can do it again and you'll be going around In circles until one day it will go too far and he could seriously hurt you. It might just be a push but what if he does it when your at the top of the stairs and fall down them or fall on something and seriously hurt yourself. This is how these situations start and they don't get better please pack your things and leave.

lilmishap · 07/10/2021 20:52

He has not even mentioned me phoning the police. Should I say something?

He is hoping by reconciling the police will take it less seriously or drop it altogether or you will not give a statement or you will withdraw your statement because he's being so nice. He knows softly softly catchy monkey.

All that has changed is he now knows you will call police. Might be an idea to get a cheap payg and hide it somewhere in case he takes yours off of you during a row.

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 07/10/2021 20:53

So for 2 years you have been subjected to domestic violence and finally you had enough and reported him to the police. Now, you have reconciled because he's being nice! He probably wants you to withdraw the complaint which gets him off the hook. Once you have done this he will revert to his normal abusive behaviour! How much longer will you take it or how bad does the abuse have to be before you accept that he is a danger to you? A baby will not solve the problem. It will just give him another target! Only thing is a baby cannot defend themselves so it would be down to you to protect them. Do you really want to end up in a situation where you have to protect yourself and your baby countless times against his rage and violence+

lilmishap · 07/10/2021 20:55

I would ask him to give you some space to get your head together while he's on best behaviour. Then have a think about your next move.

Kittykat93 · 07/10/2021 20:56

@AnotherLauraLou

Please stop TTC, a baby does not need to be brought into this environment.

This. He's violent to you op, why on earth are you wanting children with him? He will get worse trust me. A lot worse.

lilmishap · 07/10/2021 20:57

Oh and withdrawing your statement won't get him off the hook as the police and CPS decide if he'll be charged or not. You have no say in it

notatthisaddress · 07/10/2021 20:58

Read your post as if it's been written by a friend. Would you tell them to stay with him and keep TTC?

I think not.

Find the strength to leave this man for good.

You deserve better x

LowlandLucky · 07/10/2021 21:31

If he is violent to you he could be violent to any children you have, is this the life you want ? Please please get out now, this situation will only get worse, it never gets better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2021 21:37

He’s repeated hurt you love. He’s not going to stop. Next time it could be much more serious.

You called the police for a reason. Because you know how dangerous he is.

You can want more for yourself, you deserve more, we all do. You deserve to be cherished and loved, respected, supported, comforted when bad things happen. Someone who really loves you and wants you to be happy will look after you, they won’t hurt or bruise you.

user1471442488 · 07/10/2021 21:41

What is it about this violent coward (running away when you called the police ffs) that keeps him in your life? It’s been 2 years, get rid and don’t look back in 10 wishing that you had left him.

abw94 · 07/10/2021 21:41

He will never change.

Ignore him and move on with your life.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/10/2021 21:46

The police will likely go ahead and prosecute anyway.

He probably won't be so nice to you once he realises this.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/10/2021 21:51

I used to work with domestic violence rehoming projects, and the sexual violence unit of a city police police. Many victims start where you are...they end up dead, injured or social services remove their children. I hope the police prosecute him. He has assaulted, verbally abused and emotionally abused you. Any children from him are at risk...that is a statistical fact from the research. Get help from women's aid and any other community networks. Say no to him, he is dangerous. I helped a client once who was making a plan to leave her abusive partner. The police turned up at my office the next day, he had killed her in a public place as he knew she was leaving him. Use the opportunity of a police prosecution to get away and restart your life.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/10/2021 00:23

Please stop TTC, a baby does not need to be brought into this environment

This with bells on, please use your brains and at least pack this in.

Not a suitable environment to raise a child in at all - unless you want your child to be subjected to emotional and physical abuse that is....

End this carcrash of a "relationship" before he does you some serious damage.

layladomino · 08/10/2021 08:11

This man does not love you. He has 'apologised' and is being nice because he's frightened that he's going to be charged (and hopes by reconciling you'll plead his case and the Police / courts will go easier on him). No other reason.

If he cared, of he was genuinely sorry, if he loved you, he wouldn't have abused you for 2 years. And you know he will do it again. Just as soon as he feels he's safely got you back in your place.

You will always be at risk with this man. His physical and emotional abuse is vile. He told you you were responsible for a miscarriage? That would be displicable, unforgiveable behaviour in any circumstances, but in theis case - where he hits you - has it not occurred to him that being frightened and abused might have caused it?

Please seek help IRL where you can. Tell the truth to people. And make careful plans to leave him. Don't conceive a baby to this man. That would be so unfair to land a child with him for a father. He, categorically, will be a bad father - and likely a violent one.

You deserve so much better than him. Can you imagine a life where you're happily single, safe and happy in your own home? Or where, later on, you meet someone else who loves you, cares for you, wants you to be happy and safe, is proud of you, looks after you when you're ill, is a great father - and NEVER EVER hits you or calls you names?

Please stay safe, but start making plans to separate for good. And keep talking here for support.

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