Outside opinion on the relationship

[Itsjustlife]

This is probably unusual as I am a man but I have been googling advice on how to repair my relationship and its brought me here.
The background is i have been with my OH for 18 years married for 8 and we have a daughter,
The problems in our relationship started after becoming parents however i understand this is not unusual and have accepted this and not reacted and understood its very hard being a mother.
Its unfortunatly now at breaking point and i would really welcome outside opinions.
we made together the decision for my wife to give up work to be a stay at home mum (this was her dream) and I would work harder to progress and pay the bills and mortgage etc. For the last 9 months i am being constantly told I am useless as both a husband and father despite being a hands on parent outside of work and also sharing the chores (quite rightly). My wife has now returned to work 3 part time days a week and i still have no issue with continuing to pay for all.
I have just been presented with a request for loss of earnings for 10's of thousands of pounds which is a surprise, I guess I have no argument for this but the outgoings during this period has taken all my income.
Financial issues aside my biggest sadness comes from the accusations of being useless and the fact there is no intimacy, fun, support or acknowledgement coming from wife anymore.
I really want things to improve as I want to be there for my daughter but I'm mentally beaten.
is it worth fighting for it? I'm also scared to bring it up as i get shouted at

Who has presented you with a request for loss of earnings?

This sounds very unhealthy. What do you mean about the request for loss of earnings?

I’m confused about the request for a loss of earnings. Are you still married and planning to stay married? If so then I don’t understand why your wife would request this. If you have been working and paying for the expenses then what is the issue and why is she asking for this? That seems weird.

Also, perhaps you need to seek counseling. It’s never good to feel unappreciated by your spouse and you need to address this. No one wants to be taken for granted, so you do have to address this matter with your wife if you want to save your marriage.

Being told you’re useless is emotional abuse. Just because you’re a man doesn’t give your wife the right to speak to you like you don’t matter.

Like I said, If you and your wife want to work on your marriage then I would suggest counseling so that you can get to the root of this.

But I don’t understand the request for lost wages and the speaking to you like you’re beneath her and telling you that you’re useless might be reasons why you might not want to continue this marriage.

Sounds like she is absolutely taking you for a mug.

No one should be abused in any way by another person
Verbal/ financial / sexual / physical is all wrong

I don't understand the request bit ?
Has a solicitor contracted you on her behalf ? Is she trying to separate ?

hi and thanks for the responses, i don't feel like I'm over reacting anymore.
i was send a text message detailing all the loss of earnings whilst she was not working and that it is owed to her. No solicitor or anything, i think it may of been an attempt to prevent me from expecting any kind of appreciation.
I should also mention i have a life long illness that affects my energy levels so i do find it difficult working full time.

I will be honest here and I see a worst case scenario of your wife preparing herself to leave you and due to the impact of your illness on your future earning ability, take as much money as possible with her while she can. Her actions are not of an equal loving partner anymore. I'm sorry but you need to explain these facts to a divorce solicitor and see what your options are considering your health issue and how that will inevitably affect your employability in future.

Do not agree to anything. Keep all these texts, and get yourself a solicitor.
You need to know your position, even if you don’t go through with it.

It sounds like she regrets her decision to be a SAHM. The loss of earnings is strange and sounds like she's gearing up for a divorce.
There is always loss of earnings when a baby arrives, either in a parent staying at home or childcare costs, which can be a lot for full time.

Can you find out from her exactly what she means when she says you're useless ? Is it because you don't hang out the washing properly, she can't rely on you for childcare if she needs to go out or just a general dissatisfaction?

Do either of you get to go out independently with friends or hobbies?

Does she carry the mental load of the family ?

I'd start divorce proceedings to be honest. There's no marriage left to save here.

the accusations of being useless and the fact there is no intimacy, fun, support or acknowledgement coming from wife anymore. I really want things to improve as I want to be there for my daughter but I'm mentally beaten. is it worth fighting for it? I'm also scared to bring it up as i get shouted at

It's over. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to demonstrate to her how to get out of a relationship that makes you unhappy. That will be something she can apply in the future to any unhealthy relationship she encounters, professional, personal or romantic. I wish my parents had demonstrated this to me when I was younger. Don't think that staying together is the best thing for her. With such an ailing relationship, every day will have an unhealthy atmosphere that she will class as 'normal', and search for in her own primary partnership in the future.

Show her something more self respecting, more expressive, and ultimately, more fulfilling. Show her how to walk away from unpleasantness.

I know you want to save the marriage OP but is your marriage a good model of a healthy, loving relationship for your daughter?
Being constantly put down is not good for you and it’s abusive behaviour. So is being shouted at for trying to have a conversation. No wonder your mentally drained from it all.

The loss of earnings text sounds bizarre you guys had no childcare costs plus all outgoings have been paid for by you instead of being a shared expense. It’s possible she is thinking of separation.

Your wife is not nice.

You need to acquire a lawyer to prepare for separation/divorce. Even if you end up paying child support to her (because she earns less and does most of the childcare) it will be better than living with her! And it won't be forever. And maybe when you have your daughter on your own you can relax and be a good dad.

I know nobody wants to end up divorced but staying is worse sometimes.

@Itsjustlife

hi and thanks for the responses, i don't feel like I'm over reacting anymore. i was send a text message detailing all the loss of earnings whilst she was not working and that it is owed to her. No solicitor or anything, i think it may of been an attempt to prevent me from expecting any kind of appreciation. I should also mention i have a life long illness that affects my energy levels so i do find it difficult working full time.

Was this text from your wife ? That’s astonishing!

Sounds tough but as others say, you should be thinking that she is getting ready to leave, you should probably look engage a good solicitor and discuss your options going fwd.

Good luck 🍻

You should tot up her bill for housing, feeding and generally keeping her for the last few years and then suggest you call it even.

Then see a lawyer because your marriage sounds like it’s over.

Incidentally is she a mumsnet user? Because ‘present him with an invoice for the thousands of pounds you’ve saved him in childcare’ is exactly the kind of ridiculous advice you see trotted out on here relatively frequently. I can’t believe someone has actually done that

Stop paying for anything. Dont pay her request. Start looking for your own place to stay

Hi all
thanks all for the comments, it has made me realise that im not imagining it and exaggerating it in my own mind. I have started to seek legal advice and also done all the maintenance calculations but intend to pay more,
I'm so sad its come to this and my priority now is my daughter. tough times ahead

@Itsjustlife

Hi all thanks all for the comments, it has made me realise that im not imagining it and exaggerating it in my own mind. I have started to seek legal advice and also done all the maintenance calculations but intend to pay more, I'm so sad its come to this and my priority now is my daughter. tough times ahead

I'm so sorry and really hope you will have support going through this. Please remember there is no shame in a marriage or any relationship ending. You're right, your daughter is the priority now and she deserves a happy father. Best wishes

Could your wife have post natal depression?

I have thought this, and suggested help or counselling together. I was assured not

WTAF????? As they say OP - 'lawyer up'. And fast.

Blimey— for a woman who wanted to be a SAHM she has some cheek- she sounds a nasty piece of work OP sadly— get lawyered up and quick,