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Original poster

Red Flags

17 replies

scooterbear · 07/10/2021 16:29

I've been in a relationship with DP for two years. We are both divorced and have 4 kids between us. I can easily say that I've never felt the way I feel about him for anyone else-it's very much the real deal for me. My kids love him, his love me. We have a great time together. All good.However there are huge red flags all over the place. He works in an industry where drug use is rife. I dont mind it occasionally but he can be a massive dick when he's had a few lines. He drinks too much. He can be mercurial in temper. He often looks at other women when we're out together to the point that I become upset (and I'm fairly laidback about that sort of stuff). He has a great job, lots of friends-is functioning in all areas. He's great fun, generous and caring. None of the above things have been an issue until recently when I've started to lose trust in him, for no real reason to be fair, and have strong gut feelings that he's lied about certain issues. No evidence for it at all just a general feeling that I'm not getting the whole picture sometimes.
I'm an educated, relatively attractive mum of two. I'm independent, have a decent job-I could easily walk away from what I know are these disastrous traits and yet I can't seem to. I can't understand why.
What's best to do here? I'm really in love with him but I know he's not going to be good for me at all long term. I just feel so pathetic and it's not me at all.

OP posts:
layladomino · 07/10/2021 17:21

Oh this doesn't sound good.

He takes illegal drugs
'he can be a massive dick' when he's had a few lines (yet he still does it)
He drinks too much.
He has mood swings.
He often looks at other women when we're out together to the point it upsets you.

Fast forward a few years and imagine your daughter tells you all the above about her partner. What would you advise her to do?

ManifestingJoy · 07/10/2021 17:25

I would get turned off.

You dont believe you're worth more so you're dithering over the keep/chuck dilemma

But if you believed you were worth more, you'd just be so turned off, there'd be no dilemma.

Trust me. I went through thid process.

Burnerphone21 · 07/10/2021 17:37

He sounds a bit immature

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2021 17:43

Part of growing up is we learn we have to love ourself the most. Love is such a powerful thing but it means nothing if we don't love ourself enough to remove toxic influences from our life.

He is an alcoholic. He surrounds himself with toxic people. And he does drugs.

It's a no brainer op.
As the saying goes, better to have loved and lost than to have lived with the psyco the rest of your life.

Original poster
scooterbear · 07/10/2021 17:49

Ponkbonbon that made me laugh.
This is the thing-I know he's a bad idea. But I can't action it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2021 17:56

@scooterbear

Ponkbonbon that made me laugh. This is the thing-I know he's a bad idea. But I can't action it.
Think of it this way then, what if he were to take drugs home one day? And the kids found them. Maybe tried them and ended up in hospital.

Or what if he were to get caught with them and arrested. And social services were sent to your home to evaluate your kids living situation as a result?

Or what if your kids see you normalise and accept his drinking and his shitty behaviour and grow up thinking that thats how relationships should look? And that it's OK if their partner is a problem drinker. Or that they should excuse nasty behaviour from a partner. Or excuse coke habits and alcohol.

If you can't leave for love of him...leave because you love your children. And because they deserve to live in a home where they have no chance of being exposed to dangerous substances or general toxicity.

Rainbowandstarz · 07/10/2021 18:02

My boyfriend works in construction. He's one to smoke weed. He no longer drinks. I used to date quiet boys before him. He actually has depression and a lack of confidence. But to meet him you'd never believe it. He also looks at other women although is big on relationships and wouldn't go any further. He has mood swings and sometimes I think what am idiot. But when he's nice he's funny. He gives me.confidence. I love him. He cooks and cares for me. He's alot of wonderful things.

The way I have to look at it is I was bored before. Nice men who didn't want to do much and I felt like the leader. I was always with men who had no confidence and were not bringing out the best in me. Irs nice to have someone that leads me more. We strangely balance eachother out. He needs someone sensible and calm. I need someone abit more out there and spontaneous.

So I see it as nobody is perfect and I'll end it if the bad outweighs the good.

Rainbowandstarz · 07/10/2021 18:04

That said re reading your post the drink and lines are not good signs at all.

I can relate to you saying not good in the long run. Sometimes I think what am I doing.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 07/10/2021 18:13

No doubt his ex-wife has some lovely stories to tell…

Original poster
scooterbear · 07/10/2021 18:19

His ex wife isn't especially nice herself (I know her through other people)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2021 18:28

She may well not be nice but you do not really know what went on in their marriage. She may well have decided to divorce him because of his temper along with the drink and drug taking.

If your DD was dating someone like this man you are now with, what would your reaction be?.

I am wondering if you are codependent when it comes to relationships and that is perhaps why you cannot readily walk away. This man is full of red flags yet you're in a relationship still with him. Do you not really think that you deserve better than he deep down because it seems that way. You are not a rehab center for some badly raised man.

What did your parents teach you about relationships when you were growing up?.

Original poster
scooterbear · 07/10/2021 18:34

She decided to divorce him because she had an affair with their boys football coach

OP posts:
Original poster
scooterbear · 07/10/2021 18:36

My parents are happily married for 47 years .
I do have low self esteem. And on paper DP is what would be regarded as a massive catch-wealthy, good looking, fun etc etc... I've always felt like I'm batting a bit with him so there is definitely something in that .

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2021 18:41

Rainbowandstarz

Your posts suggest low self worth and a need to be needed. I am also wondering if both you and he are codependent here.

Rainbowandstarz · 07/10/2021 18:42

@scooterbear

Sometimes a bad boy can make you feel in a way you didn't realise you could feel. The alpha side to them. The confidence. The masculinity. They make you feel safe and protected. But they come with issues usually like drink, mood swings, fighting, loud.
If you think he can't make you happy long term then it's best to leave it now. I'm honestly still assessing mine and haven't made up my mind.

Rainbowandstarz · 07/10/2021 18:43

I don't have low self worth. I was attracted to him before I knew certain things. He's improved my confidence in alot of ways. He smokes weed but that's not a big issue to me. He can be moody though. I stand up to him and I wouldn't stick about if he was making me miserable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2021 18:47

He may seem like a massive catch on paper but he really is not.

Do read about codependency and see how much fits in with your own behaviours in this relationship.

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