Preoccupied thinking DH/DC would be better off without me

[StillCounting123]

Basically as thread title says. I am overwhelmed at times thinking this, and am now starting to suggest it to DH.

Been together 20 years, DC aged 11 years and under. On paper we are fantastic.

But I am constantly feeling low, guilty and convinced that I am not smart enough, talented enough or tuned in enough to care for my children or devote myself to DH in a way he needs.

For example, I'm an average cook, house is messy, I can't read music and thus can't help DC with their lessons. DH has a high priority job and lots of responsibility. He's often stressed and I just am so exhausted by end of the day that I can't get the house tidy enough to enable him to relax.

He's never said anything negative to me, and is encouraging about what I do around the house. But I look at him and just feel so sad that he's lumped with me.

I am a SAHM, and perhaps that is part of the issue - I'm here everyday and can't really see the wood for the trees?

Have no plans for suicide, although I admit the idea does occupy space in my brain. I just want to drive away and leave them to it to make a better life of things without me. I know that sounds awful.

Don't know if anyone else feels like this, or if I'm on cusp of some sort of mental crack.

You sound like you're suffering from depression.

Being a sahm can affect your MH.

Is a part-time job feasible?

BTW my house is a effing mess and km more or less a sahm.

It doesn't actually matter.

Your h and kids would never ever ever be better off without you. You are their life partner (h) and their Mum, whom noone and nothing could replace.

BTW I'm a crap cook, can't read music (if my child learns an instrument I'll have to try to learn to read it, or they'll just have to make do with instruction outside the home, like many people do.

You ard being incredibly unnecessarily unnecessarily on yourself.

Being a sahm or even just parent is v demanding,youve always got a hundred things to do and often feel.like you're not keeping on top of them.

Give yourself a break.

But the level of negativity and catastrophising about all this suggests depression to me.

I.dont know what would suit you best for treatment

*incredibly unnecessarily hard on yourself

You are depressed and seeing reality and yourself through a very warped lens.

You really really need to get medical help with this.

I just want to drive away and leave them to it to make a better life of things without me. I know that sounds awful.

I think a lot of people fantasise about this sometime; myself and another mum I know have a running joke about our llanned escape to Bora Bora avd how we're going to earn money when our money runs out.

I'm going to be absolutely blunt here. Your assessment of yourself is 100% inaccurate. If I told you I wasn't a good cook, my house was messy and I couldn't read music, would you tell me I deserved to die? Would you tell me I didn't deserve my DHs love and I don't deserve to be a mother? You would never.

You are not well, and that's okay. Get some support around you with DH, your family, and most importantly your GP and if you can afford it, a therapist. You will feel better if you realise what is going on, that you're not well, and you take care of yourself by asking for help.

But I am constantly feeling low, guilty and convinced that I am not smart enough, talented enough or tuned in enough to care for my children or devote myself to DH in a way he needs.

This feeling has to come from somewhere, OP. Did you enjoy your job before you were a SAHM?

For example, I'm an average cook, house is messy, I can't read music and thus can't help DC with their lessons. DH has a high priority job and lots of responsibility. He's often stressed and I just am so exhausted by end of the day that I can't get the house tidy enough to enable him to relax.

Very few people can read music. It's up to their music teacher to help them. How old are the children? Are they old enough to get help online?

Is there pressure on you when your husband is due home? Do you panic? If he said he was going away for a week, would you feel a reduction in pressure?

@SleepingBunnies21

I just want to drive away and leave them to it to make a better life of things without me. I know that sounds awful.

I think a lot of people fantasise about this sometime; myself and another mum I know have a running joke about our llanned escape to Bora Bora avd how we're going to earn money when our money runs out.

Yeah, but in a "wouldn't that be nice for me?" type of way, not in a "i'm useless and they'd be better off without me" way. The first is absolutely normal but the second is indicative of depression and suicidal ideation.

I was depressed though my teens. Felt invisible, unattractive, not smart enough, not funny enough, not anything enough. Nothing and no one could convince me otherwise.

10 years later and in good mental health it amazes me that I could have such a warped view of myself. None of those thoughts were remotely based in reality. It was just the depression talking and I couldn't hear anything over the noise of this negative voice inside my head.

Please please please seek help for this. It's going to make life much easier.

Yeah, but in a "wouldn't that be nice for me?" type of way, not in a "i'm useless and they'd be better off without me" way. The first is absolutely normal but the second is indicative of depression and suicidal ideation.

In my friend's case, she suffers from depression to some extent, and anxiety, and sometimes struggles as a single mum with some health issues, she can be v hard on herself and occasionally feels like you've described- and yes, it's a sign of depression.

I agree re my sentiments/fantasy; because I'm.not currently depressed.

Agree the "better off without me, I'm crap" is a symptom.of depression.

Hi OP,

No it’s definitely not normal to feel this way. You sound as though you might be depressed though. Please make an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible. Tomorrow if you can. Even a telephone appointment if possible. I promise you, you will start to feel better if you get some help.

Your family would never be better off without you. Honestly.

Lots of the things you describe - the reasons you are being so hard on yourself - are so normal. I feel like my house is a constant mess! I can’t read music, and both DC get music lessons - I can’t help them with that, but that’s why I pay a music teacher every week. And I am an average cook at best! But I’m not hard on myself about any of this stuff. Sure, the house sometimes gets to me, but I think that’s the same for everyone.

Hope you are ok

Agree with everyone else that this is the way you think when you're depressed. The exhaustion could be a symptom of the depression, but it could also be a symptom of something else such as low iron levels (e.g. heavy periods?) or start of menopause which could be causing the depression. You need a thorough check from the GP.

Hi all, thanks for replies. Lots to read through and think about.

With regards the music lessons - they get weekly lessons from a paid teacher. What I meant is that when they rehearse at home in preparation for lessons I am clueless about the music and if they are doing it right. Makes me feel useless, even though I am so glad they are playing music and enjoying learning it.

We can afford to outsource help, although I do feel wick about using funds for myself. DH is very generous, and would never make me feel bad for spending it.

Very interesting to think about the question posed by @HollowTalk I'd never thought about this, but going to mull it over later.

I think partly I'm exhausted because my youngest (a toddler) still wakes up most nights. Life is so relentless and i feel like I'm not keeping up.

I did enjoy my pre-DC job, although the idea of going back to similar just feels like I'm talking about a different lifetime altogether. Couldn't imagine it for myself now. Plus, I'd need to do my undergrad again, as so much has changed since I studied.

I struggle to accept any positivity directed towards me, and assume it's a piss-take. Stupid, I know!

You need to find your own worth stillcounting - you maybe depressed - look up the symptoms - the becks inventory for depression maybe good.
Also you sound like life is drudgery and it is at times.
What do you do for yourself - for fun?
See how you score on the inventory - you could try some exercise or something you enjoy to lift your mood.
What was your child hood like?

The things you are using to beat yourself up with are not measures of a good person / good mother / good wife.

I don't read music and I can't magic away my husband's stress - so are you saying he and my children would be better off without me?

Do you think if you disappeared your DCs and DHs lives would somehow be better? How? They would be much worse in fact.

I'm not meaning to be facetious, but to draw your attention to the fact that your thought process is illogical. No child ever suffered because a parent couldn't read music.

You sound despressed. That can be treated. Please talk to your GP and be absolutely honest about how you feel. There is help out there, and life can get better.

I think partly I'm exhausted because my youngest (a toddler) still wakes up most nights

Sleep deprivation is thought to be a major factor in post natal.depression. I know you may not be considered post natal now (not sure how long I considered post natal) but it could be a factor.

Also Sleep deprivation makes it very hard to be rational and positive, to put things in perspective. There's no reason it's used as torture.

*there's a reason

You need to start having something for yourself. It's hard being a sahm with young dc, you can lose yourself.

You don't need to do your undergrad again to get a job (unless you wanted to), you could do something else. I'd really recommend working part-time or doing something outside the home that will give you external validation and interest, whether a course, retraining or volunteering.

When I married my DW I wasn’t looking for a housekeeper. I frankly wasn’t interested. She was a SAHM. She could have given me beans on toast every day and I could not have cared less. The priority was to love me and the children, which she did

Now we are old we can see that I was the provider and she was the carer and that was easily good enough. Didn’t get everything with children and their interests right but they all look back fondly on their childhood

You hear no criticism from anyone - apart from the voice in your head. I’ve been there too

As others have wisely said already, the starting point should be your GP

And telling yourself that they need you. You would devastate the rest of their lives if you took any kind of action along the lines you are suggesting

They are happy. They are lucky to have you. You are all fortunate

Your thinking seems to be a bit warped, can you see a therapist and tell them what you're thinking?

Your family love you and need you.

Stillcounting123

Re your comment:-
"But I am constantly feeling low, guilty and convinced that I am not smart enough, talented enough or tuned in enough to care for my children or devote myself to DH in a way he needs".

Where did all that start with you; I ask as many people who go onto the Stately Homes thread re their parents or other relatives can often write similar initially. What was your childhood like and what is your relationship like with your parents these days?. I would enlist the help of your GP here and a therapist too particularly if they planted the bad seeds in your head.

Stillcounting123

re your comment:-
" I struggle to accept any positivity directed towards me, and assume it's a piss-take. Stupid, I know!"

This above comment also made me wonder about your childhood as well.

OP. Think of what a child studies - maths, english, geography, history etc . All the hobbies and sports they do - music, gymnastics, swimming, karate, art etc.

Does a mother have to be great at all the above for them to be a good mum? Even the most successful, achieving person in the world isn't good at everything.

And most people tend to be average at some things and not very good at the rest.

When you have young kids it is often a toss up between having a clean and tidy house or enjoying your kids, doing stuff for them/with them. In my circle of friends, the ones with the tidier houses had a hands on father, family help, cleaner or simply didn't do as much with the kids.

So if you can afford it, please get a cleaner! Noone should have to be on duty 24/7 and if your husband works so much it means he can't help out but he is earning money, so use the money as his input into what he should be doing.

Your mental health may be a result of being pulled every which way and not sleeping or you may need medication. So worth seeing a doctor and see if you can get a prescription. I don't have personal experience of this though.

Hope things are better for you soon op.

@category12

You need to start having something for yourself. It's hard being a sahm with young dc, you can lose yourself.

You don't need to do your undergrad again to get a job (unless you wanted to), you could do something else. I'd really recommend working part-time or doing something outside the home that will give you external validation and interest, whether a course, retraining or volunteering.

Excellent idea too

Thanks all. Glad to know you took time to answer. Feel a bit better currently, but definitely I have ups and downs!