Think I want to leave my husband - what do I do now?

[JalapenoCheeseOnToast]

Sorry this is long!
DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 3 and have a DD2 together and I have DS9 from a previous relationship who doesn't see bio dad and considers and calls DH "Dad".
We live in an area away from any family for DHs job and this means family come and stay with us frequently.
I have come to the conclusion that I most likely want to separate. DH is a good man but we constantly clash on parenting and I don't feel like it is something I can overlook. We go round and round in circles and all the while DS is the one who bears the brunt of it all. DH is almost always irritable with DS, he nitpicks all day long and calls DS things like a baby, his behaviour is crap and he also swears at him which I have read him the riot act for but it always comes back to it. A while back DS was pretty rude and totally deserved being told off but DH went to far (in my opinion) and whilst he only said it to me, DS could have been listening and he called DS some awful swear words. I basically told him he was to never speak like that again about either child and, to be honest, I have felt differently ever since. He also gives DS constant lectures of 10-20 minutes in length and we have spoken about this multiple times, and MIL and FIL have even raised it as well.
I spoke to DH last night about being unhappy about all of this and being unhappy in our marriage and his solution was to stop parenting the children and let them do whatever they want and never actually parent them. This isn't right in my eyes. I think he needs to understand why his words can be harmful and adapt the way he disciplines, not give up altogether!
Anyway, we are currently having some "thinking time" but I am not convinced any good solution Will be forthcoming and I honestly don't feel any emotion when thinking of being apart, I only feel sad for my children but not for me or DH. I actually quite look forward to being by myself with the children and not living in confrontation.
There are some other mild issues too (DH regularly seems irritated or disinterested in me as a person, never listens, I do the Hulk of kids and general life) but I suppose I could overlook them if it wasn't for this parenting thing.
We have MIL and FIL visiting in a few weeks and my DM not long after that for a birthday and I won't cancel them coming because it is important and they would want to see the children (since we live so far away). What do I need to do here? Try and have a decision sooner rather than later? Make myself scarce when in laws come to stay and ask DH to do the same when DM comes? Keep pretending we are happy families until after Christmas? I'm a bit stuck about what to do now.

Does anyone have any advice?

If you are pretty certain, and you do seem to be, I think the practicalities will determine when and how. Where and how are you going to live? Do you have a house to sell, will you need to sell it in order to provide two households? Are/do you work and will this continue. Do you hope to move back to an area that's closer to family? How would be take it etc. Probably see a solicitor about the likely outcomes for finances etc. then sit down and try to work out compromises. I don't think there's a lot to be gained by waiting for deadlines to pass, like visits or Christmas, there will always be something but you don't have to have actually split by then just have things in motion. I'm sure visits by parents will work out one way or another. Good luck

Thanks @pog100 for your answer. I do feel very sure, particularly after last night - it just all felt very childish and I didn't stamp my feet and place blame, I truly only wanted to give different perspectives and it doesn't seem he is interested.

To answer some questions - don't own our house, we are in military accommodation. I do work and have just started additional training which will take 12-18 months so I'd stay in this area, at least in the short term, to complete it. Not sure then whether I'd move closer to family or stay put, think I'd see how that time had been for me.
Nearly all my wages go on childcare but I've taken a look at what help I'd get and I'd manage with UC top ups. A point to note is I would be eligible for 3 bedroom housing rate once DS is 10 in a few months time but right this second I'd only be eligible for 2 rooms.
No real finances to split, I have my own bank account and I suppose we would just need to split furniture and material goods etc although he would probably move back into barracks so would only need a small amount of things.

I like to think it could be done amicably but I'm not so sure. He started off sad last night and then got more cross and defensive (understandable) and that's when I said I thought we should stop the conversation for the night - no use in more arguing. I think he truly believes we are happy apart from this bone of contention but he doesn't appreciate that this is infecting my whole life now and I'm truly worried of the long term consequences of if it continues. I've seen the harm that constant belittling and moaning can do to children.

Sorry, just had more thoughts to get out - I don't really have many to talk to IRL about this!

You’re doing the right thing OP and seem pretty sure.

If I were you, I’d just get on with it; cancel the family visits if they are likely to be difficult and awkward and focus on sorting out a place of your own. Good luck!

Is DS 10 after Christmas ? Might be worth waiting but set the ball rolling with DH

Thank you @FloconDeNeige and @tellittomeslowlyandclearly yes DS is just after Christmas

Don’t worry too much about the visits or holidays. Getting your son into a household where he is supported will make up for short-term chaos

figure out what you want in terms of housing and figure out how long it will take to implement. That will define your timeline. Don’t reveal your plans until you are close to being able to implement or actually implementing. Even the most amicable situations can turn sour surprisingly quickly.

I also highly recommend using a solicitor. It may seem like an unnecessary expense. I know I thought so when I got this advice. I didn’t believe people when I was told that trying to diy would make things more expensive in the long run. I was wrong then.

Good for you for putting your children first
I think you will manage very well on your own and he can parent as you arrange between you

The issue would have been the psychological affect on one or both of your children in the long run

Thank you for your posts @DriftingBlue and @thesearelaughterlines

I am absolutely concerned for the long term effect with the DCs. I have been a single parent before with DS and I have no doubt I would be fine again, perhaps even in a better way this time because DS is old enough to talk about something other than Thomas the Tank Engine!

Thank you for the advice re: a solicitor. I'll have a look into that as well :)