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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

old dating and red flag

21 replies

northernlight20 · 07/10/2021 13:06

hi, i would like some other people's opinions please.
I separated from a terrible marriage 4months ago. I started old and met a guy. we met about 6times, then i decided he wasnt for me (he wanted to meet my kids, get married and live together). we never went on dates, I would drive up to meet him at his place after work, and then we would dtd and i would go home. after a few weeks of this, i felt used, so, i told him i wanted to go out on dates, and do things together and nothing changed. the final straw was when it was my birthday, he said he would be working, so, i made other plans to go out with friends one night and family the next night. only, he then rang me up to say he was moving closer to me and would 'come and see you whether you are tired or not, you have to see me'. then demanded I see him when i was supposed to be out with family. I refused, told him i had made plans as he said he'd be working. so, he agreed to finish work early the next day to meet me, only i got a message when he was supposed to finish work saying 'im stayin for an extra 2hours of overtime'! this had me very angry as everything had to be on his terms, so i told him its over. ever since then, he has rang me daily and messaged saying hes going to change, only my instints tell me to run, so, ive ignored him ever since.
p.s hes not from the uk so he says he didnt realise he had to discuss with me when i was free as opposed to expecting me to drop everything for him.
i guess i would like a different perspective on if im doing the right thing by staying away from him or am i over reacting? ive ignored him for 3 weeks now and hes still texting asking me to meet up!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2021 13:08

Block him

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 07/10/2021 13:11

I think you need to work on boundaries. If he can get sex without making any effort then he isn’t going to bother, you say you never went on dates so the first time you went round his house to meet him? That’s very risky, you only ever went to him? Doesn’t sound great does it, It’s only been 4 months out of a terrible marriage are you sure you’re ready to date?

Original poster

northernlight20 · 07/10/2021 13:13

The only date we have ever had was the first date. I appreciate I’ve made risky decisions, and now I’m more settled into single life, I’m actually enjoying the peace and quality time with the children.

OP posts:

Original poster

northernlight20 · 07/10/2021 13:15

And yes, cos he doesn’t drive and I didn’t want him in my house. I only ever went to him. To be honest, I recognise all
This now and that it’s not right and want out. Just wanted to hear what others think. Thank u for the replies.

OP posts:

ohwhattodowithmylife · 07/10/2021 13:26

Block this man and enjoy your peace.
There are huge red flags

merryhouse · 07/10/2021 13:34

He said he wanted to get married

He's not from the UK

Think about those two facts together...

altmember · 07/10/2021 13:38

Red flags are indicators that something isn't right. These things you're describing aren't red flags, they're way beyond that. Get out now, block him and don't engage in any further discussion with him about it.

You feel like he's using you for sex (which it sounds exactly like what he's doing), but he says he wants to move in with you and get married. Either he's love bombing you, or more likely, he think's he's got it made for him and this is what a relationship/marriage is to him. You'll end up being his provider and his sex slave at the same time.

Original poster

northernlight20 · 07/10/2021 14:33

So glad I posted on here, you’re all confirming what I’ve been feeling. But because I’m new to old, I just thought I was overreacting.

OP posts:

JustThisLastLittleBit · 07/10/2021 14:57

That’s the funniest excuse for failing to show somebody basic respect I’ve ever heard!

Keep him in the bin. It was probably a useful learning experience for you but you’re past that stage now.

Check out the dating threads for tips on OLD but remember, basic decency and manners apply however you first make contact with a man.

overnightangel · 07/10/2021 14:57

Online dating doesntt mean having to settle

solarsky · 07/10/2021 15:03

Not over reacting at all, he just wants sex, doesn't care about your birthday, talking of marriage before he's even in a relationship with you and what you've described is definitely not a relationship, is quite scary that he could actually be wanting to use you to stay in the country.
I'd carry on Ignoring him or block

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2021 15:04

Yeah he is a nutter op, block him.
Good on you for trusting your instincts. They are probably a bit rusty atm but they're clearly still there.

Even if his behaviour was acceptable, why would that mean you owe him anything? His behaviour was not acceptable FOR YOU. Which means you were right not to accept it. You also don't owe anyone who won't take no for an answer a second more of your time.

I think definatley take some time off dating though, you flung yourself in a little soon after a long relationship. And a shark sensed your vulnerability and found you.

Read up on dating red flags before diving in again. (Love bombing ect...) and how to spot narcissists (npd) and similar.

Congrats on your freedom from shitty people though!

ChickNorris · 07/10/2021 15:27

i felt used, so, i told him i wanted to go out on dates

demanded I see him when i was supposed to be out with family
'come and see you whether you are tired or not, you have to see me'.
everything had to be on his terms
rang me daily and messaged saying hes going to change
he says he didn't realise he had to discuss with me when i was free lol, what!?

Do you see now why you felt used? Why you felt he wasn't for you? Your instincts were right in the end so thankfully you also know what to do now.

By the way the only way in which this guy has changed is from doing lovebombing to settling into his real self. He's not going to change, so far he's only changed for the worse. His words are cheap. It's actions that matter (and following through on promises).

baileys6904 · 07/10/2021 15:37

To be honest, I think give yourself a bit of a break from relationships for a bit. You only sperated from you marriage 4 months ago and already doing the deed elsewhere. That's not giving yourself time to heal and remember who you Are alone. This may help your boundaries for the future

waybill · 07/10/2021 15:44

Ditch this one and don't look back. Hold your head up high and (I say this kindly) tell yourself that you don't have to settle for any old shit.

I agree with others, spend a while giving yourself a break from relationships. You don't need to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, so take it easy for a while and rediscover who you are.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 07/10/2021 16:00

“we met about 6times, then i decided he wasnt for me (he wanted to meet my kids, get married and live together).”

Sorry but this is clearly not what he wants! Maybe he wants the visa eventually but other than it’s sounds like he wants NSA sex.

Original poster

northernlight20 · 07/10/2021 16:42

I blocked him after
My last post on here and within an hour, I got a message from him from another number. I replied telling him in no uncertain terms to never contact me again and blocked the new number. Feeling very unsettled and regretful that I’ve got myself into this. Lesson learned, just myself and my kids onwards.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2021 16:45

That's so creepy that he knew he was blocked and contacted you from another number!

Hopefully he will leave you tf alone now!

HollowTalk · 07/10/2021 16:45

p.s hes not from the uk so he says he didnt realise he had to discuss with me when i was free as opposed to expecting me to drop everything for him.

He's going to have a tough time of it living here, with an attitude like that.

thesearelaughterlines · 07/10/2021 17:04

At least you don't have to worry about him turning up at your house , good on you for blocking and then making it clear you were out
You didn't say where he was from but I had a very brief liaison with someone from outside of the UK who was very " dramatic " shall we say who wanted to kill himself the day I told him I wasn't interested
Bu the time i'd got home he'd started trying to add all my single friends on Facebook 😂

altmember · 07/10/2021 17:16

@northernlight20

I blocked him after My last post on here and within an hour, I got a message from him from another number. I replied telling him in no uncertain terms to never contact me again and blocked the new number. Feeling very unsettled and regretful that I’ve got myself into this. Lesson learned, just myself and my kids onwards.

No need to give up on dating entirely. But does sound like you need a break from it and more time to get over your marriage properly.

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