Do you have a partner who hides their emotions?

[Cantcook842]

Looking for tips on how to deal with this. I have been with my partner for 20 years so I literally know him inside out. He's always been the same and I accepted him for who he was because I loved him.
But as time is passing and I see other people's relationships around me, I feel sad.
I will start with saying I love him to bits. And I know he loves me. He's a good husband and good dad. Provides for us. Loves us. He doesn't drink or smoke. Treats us very well. We are affectionate with each other.

But he hides his emotions alot. He is very neutral all the time. Doesn't like being silly or loud. Feels uncomfortable around people who are. He rarely cracks a smile or laughs. For example we could be watching something funny on the TV. We are all belly laughing and his face is still neutral. I will ask him doesn't he think it's funny. He will say yes but doesn't feel the need to laugh.

He absolutely hates a fuss being made of him. He hates birthdays. It was his birthday a few days ago. He left for work early, came home late and went to bad after an hour. But he makes a huge fuss of us on our birthdays.
Wanted to get married but not in front of other people so we got married just the two of us. So I missed out on having a wedding. We never have parties or family gatherings at our house because he hates tbem.he will make many excuses not to go to other people's parties, most of the time he doesn't go and I have to attend his family events on my own. Sometimes he will go but will leave at the earliest opportunity.
He has told me that when he dies, he doesn't want a funeral. He wants something called direct cremation so that no one can attend.
When me and the kids are being silly dancing or playing games, he will not join in. Things like this make me really, really sad.
I ask him if he's depressed. He says he doesn't believe in depression. And that he's fine. His dad is exactly the same. They are carbon copies of each other. He is a very quiet man, doesn't speak much. Very nice though.
I don't want to leave him, I love him and he's wonderful in many ways but I feel so sad that he doesn't seem to find joy in life. He just says that nothing really has an effect on his emotions! He literally feels nothing.
Any ideas what this could be? As I said, it's not a new thing, he has always been like this to a degree. Apart from when he was at school when he was a normal teenagers who socialised and had friends. It's just since he's been an adult. It is not shyness, he is not a shy person. He has a senior management job where he speaks to many different people every day that he does no problem, but I know that's an act he puts on.
He's also told me that although he appears neutral on the outside, his mind is racing on the inside. He also doesn't sleep well

@Cantcook842

He's told me before that if I left him for any reason, he would live alone for the rest of his life almost like a hermit quite happily. I find this quite concerning

It's not concerning. What's concerning is the fact that you find his personality concerning.

He's an introvert. It's no more complicated than that.

I find it very bizarre that people are saying he's an introvert as if it explains him not smiling or laughing or joining in with silliness with the dc and claiming to have no emotions.

Being an introvert explains him not wanting a big wedding and not wanting to socialise much or finding it difficult, that sort of thing. It doesn't explain being completely shut off from an emotional life.

@Cantcook842

He's told me before that if I left him for any reason, he would live alone for the rest of his life almost like a hermit quite happily. I find this quite concerning

Why? A lot of women are saying the same on here.

Living alone does not equal being a hermit.

You seem incompatible. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him.

Social anxiety?

I feel so sad that he doesn't seem to find joy in life. He just says that nothing really has an effect on his emotions! He literally feels nothing.

There's something wrong with that ^

he doesn't seem to find joy in life. He just says that nothing really has an effect on his emotions! He literally feels nothing

He might be an introvert but that doesn't explain the traits above. Introverts very definitely feel joy and experience emotions. It sounds like he learnt the above behaviour from his dad and that he's emotionally repressed.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible at all and how you could be in a relationship with someone like that for 20 years is beyond me. Have you never wanted more for yourself, for your children? You seem to have sacrificed a lot to be with him and missed out on things you wanted like a wedding, etc.

If you don't want to leave him then I guess you just carry on as you are for another 20 or 30 years.

I don't think the armchair diagnosis is helpful to anyone. He's an autonomous adult, he knows he's different. If he wanted a diagnosis, he'd seek one himself. It doesn't sound like he wants to understand why he is the way he is and that's fine.

He sounds like a very calm person to be around. Loud, extrovert, "fun" people can be unbearable. I think he sounds great.

Tbh, he sounds psychopathic to me. No emotions, no interest in other people and no ability to compromise, in order to make the people he (allegedly) loves happy. He knows it makes you unhappy, but he doesn't give a shit.... psychopath right there.

He just says that nothing really has an effect on his emotions! He literally feels nothing.

That’s the bit that is worrying and has nothing to do with being an introvert.
The living alone like a hermit is also a but if red flag tbh, in the circumstances you describe. It’s not the same than living on your own but still going out to see friends and connecting with others (whatever that means for you)

FWIW I think calm, or rather the sort of calm the OP is describing, can over rated tbh.
Yes calm is nice. Being detached, never showing any happiness/enthusiasm fir anything, on the verge of being cold isn’t.

to be honest im similar in suppressing my emotions, it started when i was young, rather than get my hopes up about x , y , ect activity i instead just waited to see if it happened then enjoyed it, i can talk about how i feel emotionally but i dont always show how i feel, sometimes this is down to me trying to compartmentalize my emotions. other times its being focused on one set of tasks eg the planning or organisation of the tasks or event that then i dont always consider how i am feeling its more going into auto pilot mode or military mode to achieve a successful mission so to speak.

@Cantcook842

He's told me before that if I left him for any reason, he would live alone for the rest of his life almost like a hermit quite happily. I find this quite concerning

He could just be anti-social, but he just might be on the extreme end of the introvert scale.

There are several people on here saying that this is learnt behaviour, something he's been taught by his father. Errm, no. Not everything is learnt. Some personality traits are genetically inherited. He is likely to be biologically like his father, not just like him because he grew up with him. I bet your son will be quite similar to your father for the same reason.

Anyway, OP I wouldn’t bother trying, in my experience introversion becomes deeper as people age, it’s a whole value system difference. All of the things that you see and experience as a pleasure are actually a chore or labour to your husband. They are happiest alone with micro-doses of family (presumably he doesn’t have friendships as they’ve all been quietly dropped)

This is very true, and can be very hard on someone who is less introverted as they feel like their partners are always absorbed in something else or aren't able to be fully present as they find it all too exhausting. They had kids because they thought it would be their partner doing all the work, doing most of the entertaining, and they could shut themselves off in their room or shed. This often exhausts the other partner and they end up feeling abandoned and alone. Again, this is what often happens when someone is at the extreme end of the introversion scale and does not represent all introverts, or even a majority of them.

He's a good husband and good dad. Provides for us. Loves us. He doesn't drink or smoke. Treats us very well. We are affectionate with each other

Do you think you were looking for a parental, mature, authoritative figure when you met your husband?

When me and the kids are being silly dancing or playing games, he will not join in. Things like this make me really, really sad

I appreciate not everyone experiences joy, contentment or satisfaction in the same way, but you must find this joyless.

He just says that nothing really has an effect on his emotions!

Could he have alexithymia I wonder?

www.bbc.com/future/article/20150818-what-is-it-like-to-have-never-felt-an-emotion

DO is also like this. Very quiet, doesn’t show much emotion at all. The only time I’ve seen him show emotion physically is when his mum died, even when our DD was born I thought to myself “is he even happy about this?” Of course he is, he tells me how much he loves her all the time.

We work with it, it caused some tension at the beginning of our relationship but we’ve been together 7 years now and it’s our new normal and I’ve learnt to read him without him needing to show emotion.

My only advice is to be patient; there’s nothing wrong with asking how he feels if you’re unable to read him at times. I’m forever saying “what do you think?” “How do you feel about it?” As sometimes I still just can’t gauge him.

The important thing to remember is he isn’t broken, so he doesn’t need fixing. By pushing for more emotion all the time your telling him that something is wrong with him, which will only make him hide away more.

OP's been with him 20 years .

OP - have you encouraged him to go talk to someone or investigate why he comes off as so emotion less?