Why do I feel weird?

[Butterflyfern]

Last night, my new BF came round mine for food. The evening was all going well until there was a knock at the door and it was my ex. He came by completely unannounced to drop something inconsequential off (that would have gone through the letterbox). We had some stilted chit chat at the door and then he left. I have felt very unsettled and a bit weird since, but don't really understand why.

For background... It was obvious I had company from the extra car parked outside. I moved house when we split up, he only has the address due to forwarding post immediately after the break up. We haven't had any contact for a number of months. I don't want to get back together with him, the split was a long time coming.

I feel like this has really thrown me sideways though, to the point where I couldn't really sleep last night. Not thinking about him particularly, more just not being able to relax. Is that normal?

We're you afraid of him? Do you feel like he pushed your boundaries?

I'd say that's a perfectly normal response under the circumstances. You had a shock and experienced a shock response.

Why? What do you think it means?

Is it the first time your new bf has been to your home?

Similar happened to me for a few days after unexpectedly seeing my ex for the first time after 2 years broken up. It passed! And it certainly didn’t mean anything untoward in my case.

That sounds pretty unsettling to me, him intruding into your new life, checking things out.

Did your new BF react at all?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

We're you afraid of him? Do you feel like he pushed your boundaries?

No, never afraid of him. But I do think he pushed boundaries last night yes. I would never just turn up at his house now. He was also fishing for knowing who was with me, which I didn't like. Although he didn't ask outright.

@icelollycraving

Is it the first time your new bf has been to your home?

No, we have been seeing each other a couple of months and one visits the other a few times a week.

It's the first time my ex has been at my house. Although I have suspicions he may have driven past when I first moved in.

@darklindor

That sounds pretty unsettling to me, him intruding into your new life, checking things out.

Did your new BF react at all?

Not really. He stayed in the kitchen at the back of the house (we were cooking tea) and then just asked if I was OK when I mentioned who it was. But he was obviously thinking about it too because later on he said, "you don't think he wants to try and weedle his way back in, do you?"

I suspect he has driven past your home more regularly or perhaps heard on the grapevine you’ve moved on.

Do you think he’s watching your house or has planted a tracking or surveillance device ? It seems a big coincidence that you’ve d no contact for months and he suddenly turns up when you have a male guest.

@darklindor

That sounds pretty unsettling to me, him intruding into your new life, checking things out.

Did your new BF react at all?

Also yes, I did feel checked up on. You're right. And then guilty. Even though I have done nothing wrong. Old loyalties die hard I guess.

@CRbear

Similar happened to me for a few days after unexpectedly seeing my ex for the first time after 2 years broken up. It passed! And it certainly didn’t mean anything untoward in my case.

Thanks, this is reassuring!

I think a text to ex saying not to ever come to your house again.
If it's been months and there's no children, you should have little reason to see each other. If he gets any of your post, he can forward it, not visit.

@icelollycraving @IM0GEN I hope you are both wrong. But I am actually in the process of buying a house (this one is a rental I took to get out of the house we both lived in). I'm due to complete soon, and he doesn't know I am buying I don't think. So will hopefully be able to disappear.

I will mention to mutual friends to not mention me buying.

Not thinking about him particularly, more just not being able to relax. Is that normal?

Very normal and your instinct kicking in. It's natural to be curious about what an Ex is up to but to drop by is a different level. You might need to send him a message to say you would ask him not to call again as don't see any need for further contact.

Thanks everyone for understanding and not making me feel like I am overreacting. To those that mentioned him intruding into my new life, yes I think it is that. Our relationship was making me pretty unhappy for quite a while and when I finally got over the breakup, I realised that a weight had been lifted. I feel like a very different person now. I think that contrast was thrown into sharp relief yesterday. The breakup was as amicable as they can be, but I have no interest in keeping that link back to who I became.

@Fireflygal and @WormYourHonour I did think about that, but then told myself that I should just focus on moving ASAP and disappear. Not wanting rock the boat maybe? Wimpish I know.

@Butterflyfern, I hope he goes away but clear communication on lack of contact might be the boundary he needs.

However you know him so trust your instinct and if there is a 2nd incident definitely send the message that you don't want contact.

I think it's a perfectly normal reaction.

You've made yourself a new space that doesn't, and never has involved him, and he has invaded it. That would make many people uncomfortable too.

[quote Butterflyfern]**@icelollycraving* @IM0GEN* I hope you are both wrong. But I am actually in the process of buying a house (this one is a rental I took to get out of the house we both lived in). I'm due to complete soon, and he doesn't know I am buying I don't think. So will hopefully be able to disappear.

I will mention to mutual friends to not mention me buying.[/quote]
Read your thread and I’m actually more concerned after this comment. Are you sure he’s not been able to see you on social media where you’ve said something about moving soon or something, so he thinks this might be his last chance to “find” you at your current location? As you said you think he drove by it earlier. I don’t want to be a worrywort, but it’s quite odd that he’s suddenly stop by now when you won’t be at that address for much longer. Maybe tighten up your privacy settings, etc.?

"I was not comfortable with you turning up unannounced last night. Don't do that again please." fucker

@WormYourHonour

I think a text to ex saying not to ever come to your house again. If it's been months and there's no children, you should have little reason to see each other. If he gets any of your post, he can forward it, not visit.

He's probably fishing for a reaction like that. Turning up unannounced sounds like a bit of a control/power thing.

I'd probably word it as more of a "if you come across anything else of mine, can you please message me first to arrange it's return/collection". That makes it pretty clear that you don't want him just turning up on your doorstep, without giving him an opportunity to turn the request into an argument. If he ignores your request and does it again, then it's definitely time for a firmly worded "fuck off and don't come here again" type message.