What does a good marriage look like?

[AdifferentGoat]

I was thinking about this earlier today as I re-assessed my marriage. I have recently started to focus on my own happiness and building myself up versus focusing on absentee husband who is always 'a few weeks away' from balance ( it has been years).

Half of me wants to try with him but how many ways can I spell my emotional dissatisfaction? Another half wonders whether I expect too much? I'm thinking of leaving him but wondered, for those of you in 'good' marriages, how do you know you are and what does it look like?

A good marriage isn't always easy and I think it's important both people know that.

I've had one very crap marriage (married too young) and now I have an amazing marriage but I don't take it for granted.

To me, it's hard to put into words but this marriage is built on mutual trust and respect. We both have a strong attraction to eachother and I'm not going to lie, sex is important.

@hashbrownsandwich

A good marriage isn't always easy and I think it's important both people know that.

I've had one very crap marriage (married too young) and now I have an amazing marriage but I don't take it for granted.

To me, it's hard to put into words but this marriage is built on mutual trust and respect. We both have a strong attraction to eachother and I'm not going to lie, sex is important.

Would you mind explaining to me with examples (even vague ones) re how you know this is a good marriage? I know it sounds like such a redundant question but I am at that point whereby I'm making the decision to leave my husband but fear I may swap the devil I know for one I do not.

I can give you some examples

My dh and I are a team; we make decisions together
We rarely argue about anything as we’re on the same page for all the important things- finance, what we do in our spare time, who we see etc.

We’re kind and considerate to each other, we both make cups of tea for each other, do the cooking together, I make his lunch, he cleans it up.

We also love spending time together because we like similar things, we have our little routines like doing the crossword on Saturdays or tea in bed

@Shoxfordian

I can give you some examples

My dh and I are a team; we make decisions together
We rarely argue about anything as we’re on the same page for all the important things- finance, what we do in our spare time, who we see etc.

We’re kind and considerate to each other, we both make cups of tea for each other, do the cooking together, I make his lunch, he cleans it up.

We also love spending time together because we like similar things, we have our little routines like doing the crossword on Saturdays or tea in bed

Thank you. This is what I'd want but I always figured it wasn't possible. Thank you for sharing.

I'm in a very good marriage.

My husband truly cares about me and shows it in his actions. I am the same back.

There is respect, trust, friendship. We prop reach other up.

I'm having a hard time at the moment and dh is hugely sensitive to that and to my needs. I feel completely utterly supported by him.

Lots of physical affection, complements, little things done for each other.

He's my best friend. I know that sounds cheesy, but he basically acts like a very very very good friend, and I do back to him.

He enhances my life. I enhance his. We have arguments sometimes, but these never become insulting to the other person and things are never did just to hurt the other person. We listen to each other, especially when the other person is expressing their feelings, and we respect these.

I hope you find some answers. You deserve to be in a good relationship. Love is an action.

Love is not enough for a great marriage to me. It's about compatibility as well and sharing the same values (not opinions or likes/dislikes). We are each other's best friends which means we can discuss anything and know we trust and respect each other even when we're apart. We care and take care of each other. We are kind and considerate about each other. We love being together and equally feel confident to spend time apart with our own friends and family. It's a shared commitment to take care of our marriage, each other and the responsibilities that come with it. I agree that love is action.
We have similar values such as attitudes to behaviours like flirting, cheating and approach to social media. We feel safe and free to talk about the difficult stuff as well and never feel put off but do it in a respectful way. We encourage and support each other especially when we're down. There will be rough patches but if you have the right connection, communication, belief and trust in each other, you'll always weather those together.
And of course the physical side of marriage of affection, closeness and great sex are all very important too.

It’s possible @AdifferentGoat but maybe not in your current relationship

Thank you all. So there does seem to be hope after-all. All I have been told over the years is, how lucky I am. How any woman would kill to be married to him. How I don't appreciate nor acknowledge him the way he deserves.
It has hit me hard. For two solid years now, our entire life has revolved around my husband and his needs. I sequestered myself into a role that meant I have no voice unless it aligns with his narrative. The worst part is I believed it. What a fool I have been.

Thank you all.

You're not a fool. Something along the line will have conditioned you to think the way you do. Probably something to do with people telling you that you should be happy. There are no shoulds with feelings. You can't make yourself feel good about something because you should, any more than you can make yourself like over-boiled brussels sprouts because you should.

What you like and don't like isn't in anybody's control, and nor should it be. Your role is to look after the part of you that feels things, and put yourself in places where that part of you feels happy/contented/peaceful. Your role is absolutely not to feel what you should.

Is it him who's been telling you how grateful you should be? Or has anybody else got involved?

I think just liking each other. It sounds too simple, but I have come across many couples who are married, but don't seem to like each other very much. I really like (and love) my DH and that seems to get us through. He does piss me off, but because I like him, I am able to get through that.

It also takes work. We need to notice when we’re drifting separately, or when there are potential sources of conflict or disagreement, and then talk it all through and find solutions that acknowledge everyone’s needs.

We also made sure we spend time together, away from the children. We are kind to each other. We don’t make assumptions about what the other thinks or needs.

It’s worked for 35 years so far, anyway. He’s still my favourite person.

I'll be honest, I think it's a crap saying but I genuinely believe 'when you know, you know'.

I knew my first marriage was going tits up, even though so many people thought he was the nicest guy you'd ever meet and he adored me. Adored me so much he was shagging someone else behind my back...

I know my current marriage is the real deal. We aren't afraid to hash out issues, we value eachother as individuals.

One thing we have always said to eachother is that we know we don't need eachother, but we want to be together. Why? Because we are genuinely best friends. We laugh at the same sick and twisted stuff that other people think we are mad for. We equally enjoy joint hobbies such as walks, cooking, festivals, yet we both have hobbies of our own that the other thinks are rubbish, however we support eachother in them anyway because the other gets enjoyment from it.

I don't think I can do justice in words to 'the feeling' but what I would say is, if you don't know what I mean, I think that's your answer.