Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecure and scared - worried I’m going to scare him off.

23 replies

Browneyedgirl8 · 06/10/2021 01:49

Been with dp for 7 years. I’m 52 and he is 42. I moved in with him this year . We get on great, have a wonderful relationship. He’s a great guy.
However since I moved in to his I feel so insecure and vulnerable I’m afraid I’m going To lose him. He tells me he loves me all the time and shows it. I am constantly looking for reassurance from him. I have never been this way before and it’s exhausting.
My past I’m sure has something to do with it. Married to ea exh for 25. Years.

Anyone have any advice as to how I can get a grip of my feelings and get back to feeling relaxed in this fabulous relationship
Thanks

OP posts:
samwitwicky · 06/10/2021 02:48

Why do you think you started feeling this way only after moving in with him?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2021 03:11

Op, do you think it's possible that peri-menopause/menopause might be at play? Anxiety, increased anxiety, mood issues, emotional instability, etc, are all issues a woman can suffer with, and sometimes, like with me, these issues can start up very suddenly.

category12 · 06/10/2021 06:17

Have you given up your own security in terms of housing in order to live with him, or do you have a place to return to? (Just wondering if the stakes are high for you if it didn't work out.)

Do you know what triggers these thoughts/anxieties?

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 06/10/2021 08:34

@Aquamarine1029

Op, do you think it's possible that peri-menopause/menopause might be at play? Anxiety, increased anxiety, mood issues, emotional instability, etc, are all issues a woman can suffer with, and sometimes, like with me, these issues can start up very suddenly.
Yes I am definitely menopausal. Experiencing all the things you have listed.
OP posts:
Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 06/10/2021 08:42

@category12

Have you given up your own security in terms of housing in order to live with him, or do you have a place to return to? (Just wondering if the stakes are high for you if it didn't work out.)

Do you know what triggers these thoughts/anxieties?

I did sell my home but also have a property I rent out so I could move into that if I had to. I have enough money to buy something else. No financial worries. But yes the stakes are high if didn’t work out.

I really want it to work. I feel that before moving in I was just so easy going and relaxed.
We lived together at the start of lockdown and I moved in officially 16 months later.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 06/10/2021 09:20

You worrying won't change what is going to happen. Just make your life at the moment miserable.

He does reassure you.
Even if you split up you would still have a home.
You need to chill out.

Can you do something that makes the house feel more like your home? Even something small like a bowl of bath bombs in bathroom or kitchen herb plants or a new lamp?

frozendaisy · 06/10/2021 09:21

And thinking "the stakes are high if it doesn't work out" makes it sound like a court case not a relationship.

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 06/10/2021 10:03

@frozendaisy

And thinking "the stakes are high if it doesn't work out" makes it sound like a court case not a relationship.
Thank you I don’t consciously think about this - I was just answering the question

You are right worrying won’t change anything but I need to chill out and stop worrying - I am struggling with that right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 07/10/2021 00:22

Anyone

OP posts:
Graphista · 07/10/2021 00:25

Kindly meant - therapy might help so you can get to the root of WHY you feel this way, what the cause is.

Yes peri-meno etc makes us more vulnerable to "wobbles" but what the wobble precisely is I think is important too.

Not saying you're wrong but I think it would be good to figure out the exact source and if there's no "real" cause for it as in its "only" an emotional response to the change then a good therapist can help you get your head around it all and feel more comfortable

Dery · 07/10/2021 00:40

I’m 52 as well 😀 !

There are no guarantees in life but you can control what you contribute to the relationship.

It’s taken me until pretty much about now to realise just how bloody pointless and destructive it is to worry about what might happen. It’s only just dawned on me that I’m allowed to not worry. You’re allowed to not worry, too. You and me worrying is not what’s stopping the sky from falling in!

Here’s the thing: it sounds like everything is going swimmingly but, you know, if the relationship did come to an end, you’d handle it.

This is straight from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: our biggest fear is really that we won’t be able to handle whatever challenges life chooses to throw at us. That’s at the bottom of worrying.

But you didn’t get to 52 without earning a tonne of useful life experience. So just know that you can and will handle whatever comes up for you in the relationship. Which means you don’t need to worry!

Onwards and upwards, OP.

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 07/10/2021 01:20

@Dery

I’m 52 as well 😀 !

There are no guarantees in life but you can control what you contribute to the relationship.

It’s taken me until pretty much about now to realise just how bloody pointless and destructive it is to worry about what might happen. It’s only just dawned on me that I’m allowed to not worry. You’re allowed to not worry, too. You and me worrying is not what’s stopping the sky from falling in!

Here’s the thing: it sounds like everything is going swimmingly but, you know, if the relationship did come to an end, you’d handle it.

This is straight from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: our biggest fear is really that we won’t be able to handle whatever challenges life chooses to throw at us. That’s at the bottom of worrying.

But you didn’t get to 52 without earning a tonne of useful life experience. So just know that you can and will handle whatever comes up for you in the relationship. Which means you don’t need to worry!

Onwards and upwards, OP.

Thank you for this lovely message
OP posts:
Summerdress · 07/10/2021 04:47

Hi, I would try to keep myself busy. Probably the change has brought the situation to the top of your priorities, now that is all well you can put it to rest and focus on other things. Start reading a new book, join a class etc.

Blessex · 07/10/2021 04:53

Maybe it is because you sold your house

category12 · 07/10/2021 06:20

@frozendaisy

And thinking "the stakes are high if it doesn't work out" makes it sound like a court case not a relationship.
That was my wording, not op's. Wink

And it seems like op has made the big steps to be with her bloke, selling up and moving into his place, while he hasn't done anything comparable.

I think that's bound to instill a bit of insecurity, because you're the one taking all the risk and he's taken none. You're the one managing upheaval and would face it again if it didn't work out.

I think it's natural to want reassurance that making those big moves was the right decision.

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 07/10/2021 17:55

Yes that’s part of it. I need reassurance that I’ve done the right thing. His place doesn’t feel like our home. He has spent a lot of money renovating it and I feel like a guest. He has said I can change whatever I want but nothing actually NEEDS doing iyswim.
I feel a bit in limbo and insecure

OP posts:
category12 · 07/10/2021 18:43

I'd take him up on the offer - perhaps exchange some of his things for yours? Put up pictures, add throws & cushions, change the bedding and curtains, use your own crockery/pots & pans instead of his - put your own stamp on it a bit?

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 07/10/2021 18:54

Thank you
I’m going to start with the bedroom. As you suggest, change the bedding to something a bit more me.
There is no evidence that I live here atm so that could be changed.

OP posts:
Lolabray · 07/10/2021 19:03

I feel like that sometimes. It could be an age thing / mid life. / menopausal - my hormones are up and down. I’m also thinking does the age difference worry you he will leave for someone younger ?

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 07/10/2021 21:24

@Lolabray

I feel like that sometimes. It could be an age thing / mid life. / menopausal - my hormones are up and down. I’m also thinking does the age difference worry you he will leave for someone younger ?
No I’m not at all worried that he will leave me for someone else.

Just worried it won’t work out and then I will be old and alone.

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 07/10/2021 21:45

Are you sexually compatible? I'm wondering if your fear maybe stems from that?

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 08/10/2021 07:41

@AnotherVice

Are you sexually compatible? I'm wondering if your fear maybe stems from that?
Well I’m definitely up for it morning noon and night and he is happy with couple of times a week haha
OP posts:
AnotherVice · 08/10/2021 07:53

Not that then! Grin

New posts on this thread. Refresh page