AIBU partner’s ‘hypothetical’ drinks with former flame

[Savannah80]

AIBU. I have been with my partner for a year. We have three children between us, none together. Both late 30s. When we first got together I accidentally looked over his shoulder to see he was texting a woman. Let’s call her ‘Megan’. That evening, casually and seemingly unrelated (to him) I said if there’s someone else you’re interested in I’d rather call time on it now as I’m ready for something serious and not happy to be messed around. (DS father left me for another woman whilst pregnant so I have no time for men who want to have their cake and eat it too). DP was pretty clear he wanted us and only us. Cut to two months ago. We’re getting ready for bed and he gets a text late on. I say ‘who’s texting so late?’ And he doesn’t deny that ‘Megan’ is texting asking if he’s around ‘for a drink’. I’m immediately pissed off and wondering why another woman feels it’s appropriate to text my partner at 11pm on a Friday asking to go out for a drink. It transpires that he did sleep with her a few years ago but now they’re just ‘mates’. Anyway I drop it…but tonight we had a conversation about it - he brought up that Friday night ‘drink?’ incident (which had turned into a huge argument at the time) and said I can’t ‘tell him what to do’ and if he wanted to go for a drink one on one with his ‘friend’ Megan then he would and I shouldn’t have a problem with it. I said I would have a problem with it. That he would be disrespecting me and although I would never tell him what to do, him doing something that would hurt me would not bode well for our relationship. He hasn’t even seen this girl in over a year so they’re hardly best mates. Am I wrong?

Weird of him to dredge up the argument again. Was he deliberately needling you?

Having said that, regardless of the bizarre goadiness... it is controlling to police who your partner is friends with or goes for a drink with. If you can't accept that men and women can be platonic friends, or former flames can meet up with no intention of rekindling anything, then IMO you don't have the levels of trust needed for a long-term relationship.

For me, past boyfriends who exhibited the slightest hint of jealousy about male friends or old one night stands found themselves kicked very swiftly to the kerb. DP has never done that and nor have I to him. I could not begin to get het up about who he texts at whatever hour.

Why did you turn HER texting HIM into an argument that time? As if that's something he had control over?

This is bullshit, she's not a friend. If he insists, I'd end it.

I have no problem with platonic friends but would have a problem with my boyfriend jumping at 11pm to go for a drink when a woman texts him. That's not just keeping in touch stuff.

He slept with her so there was an initial attraction, I don’t think it’s just friendship and I think he’s trying to manipulate you by making it a jealousy/possessiveness issue. I’ve been happily married for twenty years, my husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex. They wouldn’t be texting at 11pm unless it was an emergency, it’s just common decency. Friendships have respect and boundaries and if she’s a friend he should be happy for you to meet her. Trust your gut, I don’t think you’re wrong.

Are you living together after only a year?

No he’s just staying the night. I actually struggle with the idea of cohabiting with a man again if I’m honest - I wonder why?!

I took myself off to bed mid conversation so that it didn’t escalate. He’s gone to sleep in the spare room. I’m livid.

He's hoping you're stupid enough to believe his bullshit.

She's not just 'a friend'. It's not just 'a drink'. I'd Chuck him

Drinks at 11pm? Sounds like a booty call. You're not being controlling, you're protecting yourself from future hurt after being hurt before. Does she know he's seeing you?

Also if you haven't seen someone for a year, you don't arrange a late night drink at short notice when the pubs are shut. Get rid.

I'd just Chuck him out

I'd bin him.

I've recently been through something incredibly similar - guess what - they weren't just friends.

If you're not living together etc then very easy to cut your losses.

Yeah, that's fishy.

Of course you can't tell him what to do, but you can call out when he's trying to serve you up bullshit.

Had he ever mentioned Megan before, or did she only come to light when you saw him text her?

Tell him that next Friday you are going out with a male friend and see what he says.

He's thinking about doing it .

He's a bit dim if he thinks what he's talking about is the same as any old friendship. Texting someone at 11pm to suggest drinks shows either they are very close (and she has no respect for his gf) OR she's got the hots for him and is pursuing him madly.

The fact he's defending the idea of meeting her would suggest that it's more the former than the latter.

Whilst I agree with the premise that you can't tell your partner who their friends are, context is key. And in this context something's up. How would he feel if a male friend who he doesn't know, and who you slept with in the past, texted you inviting you out for a drink at 11pm?

It’s bollocks op and you know it, tell him yours turned off by him and thanks but no thanks.