Can you help me get a bit of perspective?

[GrumpyTheBlueNosedReindeer]

Dh is at a christmas party... and I'm trying to use the next two hours as an opportunity to get some perspective (and trying to avoid making ill-advised upset phonecall). Apols in advance if TMI.

By way of background, we've been married for ten years. We've had 'life' ups and downs (work, money, bereavement etc) - but we've always been very happy as a couple.

I'm four months pregnant with my second child. I've not been feeling well. Had a big dip in sex drive. We've kept doing it quite enjoyably a couple of times a week.

Dh says the 'glitches' we've had since are unrelated to my pregnancy - but i can't help but notice that I had none of these concerns before I got pregnant.

1. Work - Dh has been stressed about work. Getting irritated about it, put upon. Did three weekends one month (compared to one in the last three years), staying late. We've had a chat - he promises it will become better.

2. Dh told me a couple of weeks ago that he'd developed a bit of a 'thing' for a girl at work. He blamed it on work being stressful. I kind of initially said 'oh, it happens, I;m glad someones keeping you cheerful'. I was a bit more thrown when he said "I'm going to invite her for coffee and clear the air - tell her everything - I'd feel better that way".
   I'm shocked we've gone from there never having been another woman on the scene in any sense, to an infatuation.

3. He seems to have had a step up in sex drive at the same time I had a step down

4. We had a bit of a heart to heart, and he said he felt i wans;t finding him as attractive, since I'd been passive during sex. We smoothed it over - but he mentioned masturbating and then not climaxing during sex. Which was a bit .

We'd kind of talked all this stuff over, decided on a way forward. All nice, nice, poor us both under so much pressure.

One of my oldest friends is coming to visit over the w'end. Dh said something along the lines of "We always have sex when she comes to stay - because XX is not very good at covering up and you can see her lacy bra.

I'm a bit slack jawed - it's very out of character for him, and in ten years I've barely had so much as a 'I think that girl is fit' out of him. I have this weird parallel universe feel about this all - like it's not us because it's so unlike us.

If anyone is still reading: here is the nub of the problem.

The way that I'm feeling at the moment, after the last comment, I feel like I just don't want to have sex at all anymore. I feel weirdly blackmailed my the coincidence of me having a drop in sex drive and us developing this whole suite of sexual dysfunction from absolutely nowhere. On the converse, I feel that pushing him away is unlikely to solve anything. Somewhere deep down I feel like a bit of a baby for not being more pragmatic, but somehow i can't do the 'lie back and think of England' thing. If I'm upset, I'd just cry.

Sorry for horribly long rambly post.

Anyone got any fast advice?

I would have been very upset by both disclosures, but I am sure some people will come along and be better at convincing you that they are meaningless, if a little badly timed..? I hope all is well.

God he sounds like a horridly insensitive twat actually.
My old boyfriend did exactly the same thing to his dw and was astounded that she reacted with fury.
I wasn't.

He sounds like a complete selfish arse tbh, but it also sounds a bit like he's warning you - you say you 'feel weirdly blackmailed' and that's exactly what I think he's doing.

Do you know why he is doing so many weekends at work? When he says he promises it will become better - when? I would insist he cuts right back, especially if he has a thing for a girl at work. I don't know, just sounds to me as though he is giving in to temptation and wanting to be able to blame you for it - almost by creating a situation where you will reject him sexually. Hope I'm wrong, but that's how it reads.

He's just so un-twatlike in every other way. Not least, he's been getting my kids up every morning, getting them dressed etc, then coming home at night and rolling up his sleves unpromted to clear the house. He's been super excited about the new baby - even though it's a bit of a mad decision to 'do it all again'. And all I've described is jaw-droppingly out of character.

I'm very big on 'tell me everything on your mind, I'll likely find out anyway, and I;d rather know than guess'. Hence, I feel I'm not justified about giving him a hard time.

he sounds very inconsiderate

does he realise how upsetting his behaviour is? Telling his wife, and mother of his children that he has a thing for a woman at work is very disrespectful

i think Turquoise may have hit the nail on the head - whereby you become the "bad guy" in rejecting him

i really think you need to talk to him - his comments about your friend's lacy bra are something i would "expect" from a 16 year old

It sounds to me as though he is very clumsily trying to bring the subject up and get things going again. Shockingly bad angle to take though, if that's what he's doing. He really needs to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND that you're pregnant fgs, and he needs to cut you some slack, both about the sex issue and in general emotionally. He is behaving selfishly.
If I were in your situation, I think I'd have another talk and explain that I was PREGNANT and emotional, but still entitled to be angry with him. And also that there are more important things than sex, and you're even less likely to want to get jiggy while he's making you feel shitty with his nonsence.

Your kids or his kids.
That lacy bra thing has me cringing. How old is he-13???

I would be tempted to leer openly at other chaps and see how he likes it.Hard when one is pregnant thoguh.

Oooh, check out my angry caps. Am also 4 mnths pg and totally off sex, so I think I'm taking this personally and am all cross on your behalf, Grumpy.

why does he need to take her for a coffee to clear the air? what has he been saying or doing? why does he need to tell her anything?

he needs to get his own house in order first

i;d be mightily pissed off at such crude and tactless behaviour

if he is trying to end a sexual drought, he is so going about it the wrong way

If a man I worked with took me for coffee and admitted that he had a crush on me (or 'thing' whatever) and he had a pregnant wife and children ayt home I would be disturbed...UNLESS I had a thing for him too and something was going on..in which case why would he need to tell her anything??

The comment about your friend and her bra is crass and insulting to you (and your oblivious friend). But it's not a threat to you, wheras this girl at work might be. I think you need to ask a few more questions about her and his 'thing' for her...

The girl at work isn;t really a threat - just deeply . He barely knows her - not a colleague as such. He took pains to paint the situation as ridiculous (apparently she'd not as pretty as me, and wears bad clothes).

I think he's dropped the idea of coffee. I said as you guys said - plus that he'd be laughing stock with the guys

He'd also be either a laughting stock with the girl and her mates, or she'd be appalled and creeped out and might even go to HR and say he's sexually harassing her. Frankly, having someone confess an unexpected crush on you, when you hadn't thought of them at all in that way, is a fairly unpleasant experience.
Tell him that - it might give him a bit of a gentle metaphorical kick up the jacksy. Because he isn;t being terribly kind to you right now. OK a lot of blokes go funny when their partners are pregnant (is this his first baby?) It's sort of understandable but that doesn't mean they can be let get away with it.

No it's not his (or my) first baby. I kind of thought we were past that pothole.

I'm feeling much better for unloading on MN - thanks for all the advice.

I kind of mentioned to him how I was 'upset about what he'd said last night'. He had the grace to look appalled and apologise profusely.

Grumpy: you do also state that he's a great bloke in a lot of ways. This is not to excuse his rather silly remarks to you but: imminent dadhood is each time a bit of a jolt for a bloke and it couldbe that other stuff is stressinghim too. For instance, could he be doing all this overtimebecause deep down he is worriedabout not being able to provide for you (all) - and that could be stressing him and making him act like a knob as well.