Dealing with a dementor

[Goawayangryman]

I left my kids' father 2.5 years ago. We both moved into our new houses last spring during the first covid lockdown.

He is like a dog with a bone and I feel I will never be free of his penickerty, snidely controlling ways.

We both have our kids for half the time, on his 'compromise' complicated contact schedule (not what I lobbied for but hey ho, it's ok....)

When we first moved I had months of to-ing and fro-ing with emails from his solicitor as he wanted a separation agreement drawn up (not married). I agreed but he was peeved i wouldn't employ a sol for the negotiation - happy to do so for the final agreement but I feared he would drain me of money. and so it would have turned out.

There were many months of emails from him and his solicitor whilst he tried to get me give him new for old value for all our old household contents that he said he didn't want, and refused to move. I ended up paying for all the removal fees for decanting a 4 bed house and storing the contents whilst my house completed. Anyway he eventually stopped with the requests for money for the household effects (and i always made clear he could have whatever he wanted apart from my lovely beloved bed (!)).

Cut to recently. Things have been ok save for he won't talk with me face to face and insists on doing all comms regarding the kids via lengthy emails, or in writing.

Recently there was a dispute about the kids own possessions (expensive, jointly acquired: specialist kit for an unusual sport they do). He has been trying to make me pay nearly £1,000 for duplicates so he (and allegedly our daughters, although I'm less sure it is about them...) Doesn't have to continually pack and unpack things.

Again.. I said no. I find it no bother at all. I simply don't have the money for this additional and to my mind unnecessary duplication of quite specific stuff.

He has gone bananas. Has re-engaged his solicitor to reanimate the dormant seperation agreement business and has fired up his lawyer again citing the kids welfare and .. well I don't really know. All utterly pointless. We have no shared financial assets and I have no claim on his pension because we were unmarried.

How do you deal with a dementor like this??

Could you try only checking emails once a week and then only relying to those you want to.

Hell torment someone else when he gets zero feedback.

I'd literally just stop replying to him.
Block him on everything apart from one method of contact. Don't feed the monster.

Only reply to issues regarding where and when to drop off the kids. Or emergencies.

Can you have a burner phone just for his messages - with an e Mail and contact no you only give to him and only check it at set times.

I'm guessing he hasn't got a girlfriend :)

I think I might have to go down the email only route. It's so ridiculous though. But maybe now is time for me to say no more, ensure the girls' phones are always powered up, direct them to contact him directly if they need him.

Just ignore. Make the solicitor repeatedly contact you - costing him money - before responding in the negative.

Just because he's batshit and keeps sending solicitor letters doesn't mean you are legally obliged to respond to them.

It's true. And that solicitor must have cost him hundreds. The wally. I honestly think he gave up with the separation agreement (first time around) because I didn't play the lawyer game.

surely if he wants duplicates of all the kids gear he is the one who has to pay for them id think , and them not having duplicates of this stuff does not impact on their welfare

Ignore him completely. There is literally nothing he can do about his outrageous demands. How old are your kids?

They are 11 and 14. They are quite outrageous demands.

He has painted himself as the poor victim. Classic DARVO stuff. I shouldn't be surprised but god he is so persistent.

Thanks though everyone. I feel fortified and armed to shut him down in future :)

I wouldn't even respond at all. It's all just to try and get anise out of you an maintain control.

He can wish and ask for all he damn well pleases, but unless you think he's actually going to take you to court and has a chance of winning, I would just ignore. Unless it's something to do with the joint parenting of your children then there's no need to reply.

A rise, not anise!

I feel your pain. I had one like this. We were not married but had bought a house and lived together about 3 years. No kids. He had an affair and I left him. I didn't want the house and just took my own stuff and moved. He then moved his affair partner in, and her two children.

Next - get this - he started trying to bully me into giving him money for 'my half of the house' because they needed to move to a bigger house and were having trouble selling. Err, no mate.

Good luck, stay strong, he is being ridiculous. Develop some techniques to tune him out and give yourself some extra care.

Thanks so much everyone. My good friends all say same and I am so grateful for their balanced views. Sometimes when the nonsense arises, you do start to doubt yourself even if you are generally confident and resilient.

Might be time to teach your daughters about how to spot abuse. Because he'll be starting on them soon. Read up on scapegoat vs golden child dynamics ect...

They're at a vulnerable age.

You're right to block and ignore him as much as pos but make sure your kids are not going to fall into similar relationships by educating them as much as possible and leading by the example that if a person is a bully, you do not keep them in your life.

I’ve blocked his phone, send all his emails to a filtered inbox I check once or twice a week. 99% of messages I DO respond to get a 👍 which I believe is emoji for “do one dickhead”.

I stopped responding to solicitor’s letters because they were just so batshit, I’d happily have represented myself in court just to see the judge laugh.

I had one of these. Quite mad. Ten years on and still the same.

His solicitor will happily take his money. Don’t let that upset you.

You will want to reply to his emails because you are basically a nice person. But you have to try not to.

Personally I wouldn’t encourage him to communicate through the dc as he will just upset them in the long run. But just be brief and clear in your emails and give yourself a time to respond to him like two or three days. Don’t engage.

It’s horrible but keep educating yourself and remember that living well is the best revenge. :)

Remember his solicitor will write whatever they are asked to. Regardless of the batfuckery of it's contents..
My exh had a letter sent demanding that I remove my newly fitted blinds as he could no longer see into my new house..
Obviously I didn't..
And strangely a judge didn't demand I did either..

Ignore op. And ignore some more..

@Brollywasntneededafterall now that is a whole other level of batshittery. Mine is not that bad, comparatively.

My exh had a letter sent demanding that I remove my newly fitted blinds as he could no longer see into my new house..
🤣

Only communicating via email is excellent.

Also use BIFF - brief,. informative, friendly and firm. Avoid the 3'A's - apology, admonishment and advice. There's a whole book on it somewhere.

Let him pontificate on to his heart's content - when he keeps getting BIFFed, he'll get no fun and give up.

I like BIFF. I'll use that. Thanks.

A whole other type of biff would be my choice!!