I can’t decide what I want in life…

[Ivyd07]

I’m 33 and I have a 5 year old(had really traumatic first marriage experience - he had double life). My entire life I dreamt of having a family of 3-4 children. I have a good job and now partner who really wants that with me. I feel like it’s now or never. I have borderline personality disorder so I always struggled with not knowing who I am. I have two dream identities. One where I’m single with my son, having a career (been offered higher position with travelling but it wouldn’t be manageable with family life - however, still manageable with one child) or this family life with more children and maybe moving to country side. I’ve been with my partner 3 years now and the entire time I’ve been going back and forth unable to choose which life I want. At the beginning I thought that time will show, but 3 years later I haven’t decided yet. It’s starting to get to me and I feel bad for my partner. Any advice appreciated…

Depends on how your current relationship is, are you happy?
The grass could be greener travelling but you may regret leaving a good relationship, they are especially hard to find the older you get with children. If all is good I'd just be happy in the moment that live is going smoothly.

Juggling 4 kids, a full time job and a personality disorder? Who are you kidding if you think that wouldnt be hell?

Don't do it. Focus on loving the kid you have.

Also, genetics can predispose ppl to developing bpd (its not all experience related). Do you really want to have kids knowing that might end up going through the issues you do? Maybe that's not fair of me to say but in your shoes, I wouldn't risk it.

Stick with the one.
And don't feel you have to decide your whole life btw. There's that saying 'life is what happens when you are busy making other plans'

It’s great you have dreams and ambitions but have you spent time thinking about the here and now and what you truly enjoy and love about your life now? Dreams can be escapes and fantasies…especially if we come to think x life or y life will solve x or y problem.

What are you not happy about right now? What makes you happy right now?

When thinking about your future you’ve chosen two quite extreme versions of your dream life. There’s no reason why you can’t have a good job you enjoy, a child you enjoy parenting, a partner you love and some travelling and time spent in the countryside for holidays and weekends etc. thrown in. Maybe that doesn’t sound as exciting initially but it could be extremely satisfying and more balanced.

What I am trying to get at is that maybe you are spending time on the wrong dreams and creating a false choice in your mind. Your dream life doesn’t have to be a choice between two extreme fantasies (both lives sound difficult as well as interesting, especially for someone with a personality disorder), it could be something a lot more realistic and easy to reach that doesn’t require sacrificing a whole other part of yourself to achieve (the jet setting career woman or the countryside homemaker).