How to NC with someone I REALLY like

[whitecircle]

I feel so stupid to be in this situation. But need some unbiased advice.

LONG story short: met a guy pre covid, saw him a couple of times, which was great. Worth mentioning that I met him through work and he's in the US. Lockdown hit. I came back to the UK.

During lockdown we spoke every day. Messaged, chatted on the phone for a couple of hours. It was great. Lots of plans (as I was due to go back to the US after lockdown). All good. No red flags.

However, recently it's just a bit like he's lost interest. Things have changed. Which is fine, people's feelings change. But I still really like him. I don't want to seem too keen, and have briefly posed the "are you ok?" question once or twice, and got a breezy, no commitment answer.

So basically, he's breadcrumbing right? Like I said, that's fine, that's his prerogative. But how do I move on when I still really like him? Do I:

• just ignore him? I could probably do this but I know he will keep popping up eventually, so he will still be taking up a lot of brain space thinking about this.

OR

• send some sort of "I'm cutting contact because..." message? If so, how do I word it without seeming needy?

Wise people, what would you do?!

Just ignore. No point in letting him know why you're cutting contact when he appears to have got in there first.

@torquewench that's my gut feeling. But, to be honest, we haven't spoken since Friday (which is very unusual) and I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about him. Which is annoying me.

I guess I will eventually just think about him less as time passes? Or I worry that I'll see it as a chapter not closed and I'll just torture myself with it.

Block him on everything.Cold Turkey best way for your sanity.

oh gawd OP, I feel your pain. Thee's no closure is there, just it fizzling out.

Have you not seen him since March 2020? It's an incredibly long time to try and keep things going. Are you still gong to go back to the US, or probably not now?

He may have met someone else. He may have realised its unlikely you'll be able to make a go of it. You do deserve to know if you'd made plans and talked a bout a future. Could you call him? have a chat.

@YodaiamsaidI I'm tempted to do this (love the username!)

@fruitbrewhaha It's bloody hard! We have mutual friends, eachother on social media etc so I'm fairly certain he isn't seeing anyone else. I will be due to go back at some point - but unlikely to be this year.
I really think you're right, and it's a case of it just being hard to keep things going long distance for so long. He's a super genuine guy, and has been having a tough time at work which I know is consuming his thoughts. But I feel like the odd text here or there, wouldn't be too hard for him?!

That's why I'm loathed to just cut him out entirely, because neither of us has done anything wrong, it's just fizzling out...and there's always a chance it could reignite...

So tricky!

@fruitbrewhaha Also, re the calling him idea - I've thought about this but he doesn't owe me an explanation, I don't think. He's allowed to walk away if he wants. I just wish he would tell me that haha

I would be honest and vulnerable because that’s the way you really know where you stand. Which is probably that you like him more than he likes you. That is important and helpful for you to know because it will hurt, but then free you to consider other connections.

‘Hey X, I know we aren’t talking as much these days. I felt like we had a strong connection which might be fizzling out for you but is still there for me. Let me know how you feel as it will help me understand where things are with you’.

I am embarrassingly upfront, but it has helped me several times not waste any (more) time with people who didn’t return my feelings, or set things on a better path with one who did.

I take the stance that there is nothing embarrassing or shameful about liking someone. It’s a compliment to them. So no shame in confessing those feelings, and you just want to phrase it so they know it’s safe and helpful for them to be honest with you. Most people, if given the opportunity to be honest, will be.

I think turn your attention elsewhere - date others or spend time with mates etc.

If he reappears take a view on it then

Does it need to be quite that… dramatic?

It’s fizzled out, he’s lost interest.

Don’t send another message and I reckon job will be done ie be won’t respond

It sounds like a remote ‘relationship’ worked during lockdown but now real life is back it’s not enough so of course has fizzled out. Realistically I don’t think it would have taken off like it did if you hadn’t both been stuck at home with nothing else to do but message and talk. I think you need to accept it was a lockdown distraction but given the distance involved it isn’t going to stand the rest of time. Keep your dignity intact and just start living your real life instead of holding out for what is ultimately a bit of an online fantasy.

*test of time

[quote whitecircle]@fruitbrewhaha Also, re the calling him idea - I've thought about this but he doesn't owe me an explanation, I don't think. He's allowed to walk away if he wants. I just wish he would tell me that haha[/quote]
Don't do anything. Don't contact but do not block. If he never gets in touch again you can walk away with your head up high knowing you did not let yourself down.

No matter how you feel inwardly...............

Ah thank you so much everyone for your input.

@pjani You've hit the nail on the head - if I do end up sending anything, it will be along those lines. I, too, am a pretty upfront person and like to know where I stand. Which I think is what is so frustrating about all this!

@MayorGoodwaysChicken You're right. It worked, given the circumstances. But I feel a bit like I'm still prepared to make the effort and keep it going, because it still gives me a lot of happiness. But he isn't, and that hurts.

@Anordinarymum Yes!! I really want to keep my dignity. I'm in my 30s now - I feel like my days of chasing after guys who are " just not that into you" are long gone. And I know the satisfaction from not being the begging mess and rising above it.

Write the message.
Don't send it.

I had this
Send a completion email
Delete his contact
Delete the email trail
Delete the chat 💬

It does help