DS wants to cut off contact with his father

[Crunchingleaf]

So for background the relationship between myself and the ex was toxic and had emotional/financial abuse (only realised how bad after it was over). If he wasn’t at work he was in bed. I spent years tiptoeing around him so not so set him off on some rant about how terrible a person I am. When my son was 9 I finally had the financial means to leave the house we were renting with my son and start over ( we were long over at this stage by mutual agreement, separate rooms, lives etc but rent prices and supply prevented me moving out). So obviously DS would of witnessed this toxicity as well as on a couple of occasions he saw him standing over me shouting while I was cowering in fear.
Since then DS lives with me and goes to father EOW and then one week at Easter, Christmas and two weeks in the summer. DS has been so happy the last three years. We no longer have to walk on eggshells and there is zero stress in our home life. Any time I ask for money for Ex demands more access then drops it.
I have moved on and am engaged to my soulmate and pregnant. DS is thrilled he was asking for a sibling since shortly after meeting my DP. DP has been a wonderful influence on DS. DS has ASD and his social and communication skills have blossomed, his motor skills have also hugely improved because they practice catching, throwing etc.
Since I told ex about the pregnancy life has been very stressful. He has told DS I won’t have time for him once baby comes. He wants 50:50 custody (however I believe he hasn’t taken it to court because it costs money). I have had legal advice and been told because of DS age he is highly unlikely to get more access then he already has. Now the trouble is that is has recently started to constantly ring and text DS to the point it’s causing stress for DS. This past weekend son was with him for weekend and he wasn’t himself at all when he came home. It took a full 24 hours before DS relaxed and was back to himself. DS says he doesn’t want to go to his dad anymore, he says he has no voice when he with his dad. He wants his dad to meet someone and have more children and forget about him.
I know my ex can be manipulating and can never see things from other peoples perspective, however I had hoped that one day they would form a relationship. The baby is due soon and DS wants to be the very first to know and then to meet the baby. He doesn’t want to be with his dad then because he says his dad doesn’t like him to text or call me at his house
My priority is my son and his happiness both now and in the future.
What have others done in this situation when your child just wants to forget about the other parent and the more the other parent pushes for a relationship the more stressed and anxious it’s making the child. Is it time to leave it to DS to decide or will he regret it when he is older?

How old is he?

DS is 12 now.

Yes you’re son is 12 now?
It’s up to him if he wants to see his dad, my son also went the same way and now at 18 yrs old he sadly only sees him about once a month - but again, it’s his dads fault for treating his son badly. I’ve always found children see and know the truth and who really wants best for them

How old is your DS?

Your ex was abusive when you were with him and he has not changed one iota since. Both of you, let alone your son here, need to stay well away from him. If he is too difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for DS as well. Your ex's actions now as back then are about power and control. He still wants to "punish" you and will attempt to use your DS as a weapon.

He has not got a leg to stand on re now wanting 50/50; again its all being used as an attempt to control you and in turn your DS. Abusive men often throw out this type of tactic against their target.

Your son does not want to see his dad and his voice needs to be heard. The arrangement you have had to date re his father was informal by the sounds of it and so has never involved the courts. I would keep your son away from his father; if he was truly bothered with him at all he would never have treated you as his mother with such overall hate. He constantly texting and phoning your son amounts to harassment so I would not hesitate at all to involve the police here because misusing communication devices like the phone is a criminal offence.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat my DP also thinks that the phone calls and texts are harassment.
I have often worried that he would start treating DS the way he treated me and the change in DS makes me think that it is a possibility.
@Arabelladrinkstea it’s good to hear that it worked out for your DS.
My instinct is to give DS the final say. By 12 if there was going to be a healthy father-son relationship surely it would of developed by now.
For anyone who has been through stopping contact how did you handle it?

I don’t think you can stop contact as such as that might be seen as coming from you
What you can do is help and support your son to cut contact. So refuse to get drawn in other than if your son feels harassed and the just e lite but firm.
At 12 he can decide for himself but you do need to make him aware of what your ex might do

You can’t and neither should you stop contact. I know it’s hard, and I know that there is a thought process that children should be able to make up their own minds, and to an extent this is true. But at 12 a child really isn’t old enough or capable of knowing what the potential consequences of never seeing their other parent again are.

My own ds essentially stopped going round to his dad’s at 14, but it was a gradual thing, and before that I had very much encouraged him to see eXH, because whatever I think of him, he is DS’ other parent, and it is not up to me to have any influence over that what so ever. He was 14 almost 15 when he stopped staying overnight at his dad’s, and now while he doesn’t see him often he has a better relationship with him than I’m sure he would have if I’d told him he never had to see his dad again when he was 12.

Also this sentence rings alarm bells for me:
I have moved on and am engaged to my soulmate and pregnant. DS is thrilled he was asking for a sibling since shortly after meeting my DP. DP has been a wonderful influence on DS. DS has ASD and his social and communication skills have blossomed, his motor skills have also hugely improved because they practice catching, throwing etc.

Clearly you’re happy with your DP, but it seems very clear that you’re wanting to paint you, your DS and your DP as this little family, to the extent you say that your DS asked for this sibling, and to be absolutely honest, his having a relationship with his father gets in the way of that. It’s great that your DP has a good relationship with your DS, but he’s not and never will be his father.

it’s fairly obvious here that you are influencing your DS’ thinking, even if subconsciously. You need to take a step back from the wanting to think about your DP as a replacement for his father, and keep encouraging your DS to see his dad.

While the courts will take a 12 year old’s feelings into account, if it’s obvious that you’re influencing your DS like this the courts will grant your ex access, maybe not 50/50, but there’s no way of actually knowing that.

@AlternativePerspective I have definitely thought about if it is all coming from me. Like any mother I do worry about am I doing right my DS etc. I have always made sure to be positive or neutral on the topic of his dad. Despite what I think of my ex I wouldn’t have DS without him. However, DS has two families now and DS has been told that he is loved in both places. Obviously, DP will never be DS father and DP hasn’t taken on the role of parent in terms of discipline, rule setting that a father would have it’s more a fun uncle type role. I personally never met my own father and I don’t want to take a father-son relationship away from my own DS. I accept that DS comes back wrecked from there and I see signs of way too much screen time in DS but when he is there the rules are different.

When DS father speaks to him, he talks to him in the same sing song tone you use for a toddler even down to the grammar and vocabulary he uses. Eg when he arrives to collect him he will say something like ‘we go car’ I have heard DS say several times to stop talking to him like that. (I don’t belong in the middle of their relationship so I don’t say anything to ex about it he should be able to recognise himself that DS dislikes being spoken to like that).
A few weeks ago we had to register DS for one of his activities and both had to sign consent forms etc so it was a rare occasion we were both in the same place at same time with DS. DS was struggling a bit with getting his boots on and his father tried to help. DS was furious and had to tell him several times to stop before his dad stopped. I said nothing just gave DS a reassuring smile. DS got no apology just told he was taking too long. The anger from DS was unusual to witness as he is generally very laid back about things.
So I don’t think it’s all my fault they don’t have a great relationship. Part of me always thought that maybe ex wasn’t a ‘kids person’ and that maybe as DS got older they would find common ground and get on better.
Now on one occasion I did say access would be stopped after a weekend two years ago if DS ever came home in a state again. DS was dropped home and as soon as he got outside the door he started sobbing violently. He was hysterical and it took ages to calm him down enough to tell me what was wrong. I don’t want to out myself in case anyone sees this post by saying exactly what happened. But I will say not only did his father show poor judgment on that occasion, he crossed DS boundaries and was unable to recognise that he did so and refused to acknowledge he did so. When I spoke to him about it he first made excuses and then blamed DS. DS refused point blank to see him for a few weeks after that.

I'd keep the current contact arrangements for now. It's quite possible that when the novelty of a little baby brother or sister wears off and reality sets in - that he'll have less than half your attention, then maybe he'll want to spend more time with his dad?