It is him, right?

[Countrystrife]

I have been with my DH for 18 years. We have two DC.

He is a career man, very driven by status and wealth. However, for all of the 18 years he has hated whatever job he has, works stupid hours because he "has" to and is generally always stressed about work.
Weekends he sulks. If I ask what is wrong the answer is always "work".

He has had 4 jobs in those 18 years and with each job comes the promise that it will be different this time. Especially since DC came along. It never changes. It is who he is. It is him, not the job. I am sure he could work in a newsagent but turn it into a 60hr week job because it wouldn't run smoothly without him there (to him, anyway).

He insists it is the job but it isn't, is it? By now it must be him. I have had two jobs in the same time and, yes, there are bits of both I dislike(d) neither were bone crushingly awful that they ruined my life. We started out in the same industry so I do know the pressures but surely he should have learned to deal with them by now.

I have suggested counselling but he refuses as to him all will be well in the world if he just had a different job. He then procrastinates about finding a new job, he is often approached by head hunters and recruitment agencies but never follows up.

It feels to me that the last 18 years have been spent listening to him complain about work, talking about finding a new job or a completely different career (all my suggestions met with a negative) or in the recruitment process (which is just brutal with what feels like 15 rounds of hoops to jump through).

He gets a new job - sometimes it starts out ok and he is positive for a while (longest about 2yrs) but then the cycle starts again.

We always end up back where we started.

I am tired of it. Bored of it. He will not see that maybe, just maybe the problem lies within himself. That perhaps working on himself might lead to more fulfilment.

I have actually started to avoid him because I cannot bear another sad sack conversation where he laments not being able to have an easy 9-5 job, that he "has" to work long hours etc when he will not work towards any other alternative.

We moved house 2yrs ago (during a positive phase) and at the time I asked him if he really wanted to do this as it meant we would need his wage for the next 15 years. He agreed. Now he complains about being stuck forever in this job to pay for the house.

It is exhausting.

Maybe I will have to lay it out for him that I can't carry on like this but I know he will just accuse me of not supporting him. He thinks all of my suggestions are useless, that I am not helpful and I live a life of luxury (in a job which would be too demeaning for him).

If you're at the point where you think it's not worth trying to talk to him about it, you're getting really close to the end of the relationship.

You really need to address it, or it will kill your marriage.

So bloody what, if he says you're not supportive? You have been supportive and listened to him for years. Your viewpoint is just as valid as his. You know you have been supportive. That you are coming to the end of your patience and tolerance of a repeating cycle is understandable and fair enough.

I find it concerning that you say that he makes all the big life decisions - who died and made him king of you?

I think you've bought into his narrative of the big man big job for too long.

Whenever your dc are out /in bed I would wear a head set... Play some fab music and totally zone out from your current life op.
Then decide if you still want to be wearing them in your 70's!!

Him - "you're not being supportive!"
You - "No, you're quite right, I am not being blindly supportive anymore - I have supported you in x, y and z jobs and your unhappiness in each situation. Unfortunately it's a repeating cycle for you. When we discussed buying this house, you pushed for the bigger property and knowing full well it tied you to the grindstone of current job for the next 15 years, you said you wanted to do it. If you want out of the situation, let's get out of it, and hang the cost, let's downsize, let's take the financial hit. If you don't want to do that, then you need to stop the daily griping about a choice you made."

Sorry - StuckInPollyannaMode.

Oh ...my autistic DS does love a moan and often it's because his communication is piss poor and he doesnt know how to start a conversation if it isnt with a moan and he just seems that way inclined. We work so hard at not joining in but he is very much half empty and every scenario is black and white. One off day and a person place or job can be written off as then being wrong. If he is autistic he must be HF and you may need very different strategies to the ones suggested already.

Have you tried not reacting / rising to his moaning? Just change the conversation each time to something more positive. Don't engage. Don't argue about it or draw his attention to it.

If he's stuck in a martyr rut then it could just help dislodge him. It make make him realise how whiny he is. If he demands to know why you're not discussing it you can explain 'Because I'm bored stiff of hearing you whining with no intention of making things better. I've suggested many solutions which you're not interested in. There is very little purpose in us discussing it other than you getting yourself even more worked up'.

I've had this with my ex. He was never happy as there was always "something" the matter. Sometimes it'd be work, then work would be ok for a while so the issue would become friends, then hobbies gave him something to moan about, or imagined worries about his ageing parents. Until eventually the issue inevitably became me. He walked out on me after 3 years with no word of explanation.

It hurt like hell at the time obviously but as time went by I realised I pitied him more than anything else. I pitied the fact that there was no facet of his life that he was happy with and probably never would be.

He hated his job but would never leave it because it was his "dream job". He hated the fact his parents lived so far away but when visiting them would find them suffocating. He hated his friends because he felt they thought they were better than him yet was desperate to be invited out to the next social event. He hates being in a relationship but becomes bitterly lonely and depressed whenever he's single.

Sadly, your husband sounds similar but only fixates on work being the "problem". These people are genuinely not happy unless there's something to be miserable about, odd though that sounds.

It could be that he is working in completely the wrong type of job for his personality, which would explain why he hates every job. I worked for four employers during my working life. One job I enjoyed, two were good at times and not at others, and the third was almost completely horrible although I stuck it for several years. I ended up in a type of career that I would never have chosen and it was hard to change. So, would your OH be happier doing something else altogether? Eg if he's a teacher, would he be happier as a carpenter or something?

He is an accountant and loves nothing more than when he is fiddling around with spreadsheets. He likes working alone.

Back when we first met he hated his job because he was too junior and he was ambitious. Then he got a better job with a promotion but that was too stressful. Then he took a lateral move to another firm which stripped out the bits he found stressful and he was happy for a few years but then there was a change of management and he no longer liked it (although the job was the same) so he took an opportunity in a client company - he took a pay cut to do it but declared it was his dream job. He has been there 3.5yrs and now it has turned sour because of some slight - basically something he has done was passed to external auditors for their opinion and they suggested some changes. He is right and they are wrong, obviously.

He was supposed to be going into his office today but he is at home, sulking (and working).

I mean, we all have bad days at work, don't we? It's his reaction which is the problem.

With the decisions, I know I am a doormat but any time I have put my foot down about something he ends up brooding/ regretting whatever course of action we took and I feel bad. Life is just easier if he makes the decisions, or believes he is making the decisions

Even food, if we go out for dinner he always regrets his decision.
He has got worse with age (he is in his mid/late 40's).

Funnily enough he is a nightmare when we visit his parents - he reverts to being a moody teenager. Then on the way home he laments the fact they live so far away and he can't see them more often

I'd just grey rock him whenever he starts moaning.
I'd only react with a light laugh and "oh dh...you are funny, you know you love bring the marty at work really".. And I'd walk off.
Secondly I'd be getting on with developing your own life... Hobbies, activities, friends... Lots of things planned... Go out, enjoy life and stop being a sponge for dh's moaning

My goodness, he sounds like bloody hard work. Given that this seems to be just his personality, can you see yourself growing old with him? If not, maybe it's time to get yourself out of this relationship.

He'll get worse as he gets older, let's face it.

He sounds exhausting.

How on earth can you live with that?

Funnily enough he is a nightmare when we visit his parents - he reverts to being a moody teenager.

To be frank, your update kind of suggests there’s not much reverting going on and he’s never really progressed past moody teenager emotionally. He sounds utterly draining and frustrating.

Can you completely let rip! Say l have enough of your moaning and complaining. How do you think l am supposed to listen to it constantly. Give it over!!! In a very stern voice. For goodness sake he needs to stop or he will drive you crazy. Maybe some shock treatment from you might knock some sense into him.