Need advice regarding my stepmum and her lack of boundaries with her kids/my siblings

[peznje]

Hi guys,

I'm seeking some advice because I'm truly lost on how to handle this situation.

My Dad and Stepmum have separated but share 3 children together aged 12 (boy), 11(boy) and 5(girl).I have always respected my stepmum alot and we have always had a great friendship but especially now that I'm an adult and we are quite close in age.

Quick backstory:
My Dad and stepmum split custody of my siblings, 1 week each at a time. My stepmum has become what I would say is bordering on negligent. My stepmum lives with her mother and pretty much every night they are getting drunk and hardly paying attention to the kids, it has been an off and on thing for the kids whole lives but it has become out of control.

My 12 year old brother has walked in his Mum in bed with a man a few years ago and it was obviously concerning for me but I sort of forgot about it. I mention this to show a pattern of lack of boundaries and a display of inappropriate behaviour.

Recent events (last month or so):
My stepmums brother temporarily moved in with my stepmum and his mum, he has taken my stepmums room and my stepmum is sleeping in her 5 year old daughters room.My 12 year old brother has walked in on his uncle and neighbour (a mother of his friends) having s*x, his grandmother having an affair with the married man across the road, his grandmother and others, the list of inappropriate behaviours goes on and on

He apparently saw "everything" with his uncle and was pretty much told it was his fault for not knocking...horrific

My stepmum is now apparently dating her brothers friend and "kisses and cuddles" him in front of her children. My family are not like this and there is an unspoken rule between parents to not introduce the kids to anyone unless it is serious. My step mum has been great about that but for some reason because this guy is a "family friend" it is okay...? They have met him only a few times and have expressed to me they wish he wasn't around so much.

To be honest that last part is what bothers me the least with what my poor siblings are witnessing.

The most upsetting thing to me is my stepmum is allowing her new boyfriend to sleep in my 5 year old sisters bed with them. That to be is completely unacceptable and wrong to me.

I have found out all of this the last few days. My step mum is the one who told me it all but I got the feeling she was trying to downplay it before my siblings told me anything.

There are no words for how bad I feel for my siblings that their home is not a safe space for them and that they are witnessing so many inappropriate things, behaviours and warped relationships. I have tried to talk to my 12 year old brother and he is not responsive. When my step mum was telling me all of this I told her this is not okay and it's not appropriate and she sort of brushed it off because apparently she has spoken to the kids and they're "okay" with everything and "love" her new boyfriend.(I have no doubt my siblings are telling her what she wants to hear because they love their mum. Even if they mean what they said, I feel as though she the adult, should have boundaries and not leave it up to the kids to express uncomfort)

I honestly don't care what the adults in her household want to do BUT they have a week free to themselves every second week to do all of those things, there is no excuse for them to be doing it when the kids are around.

I'm now in the position where I don't know what to do. I know the right thing to is to tell my Dad because they are his kids too but I don't know if I am over reacting and I just want peace for my siblings, I don't want to make it worse for them or harder for them.

I have known my stepmum since I was 9 and there have been many things that she and her family have done that have overstepped boundaries that I didn't understand as a child but now looking back I realised created an uneasy and uncomfortable feeling for me. For example, her brother from my story above was sleeping with my dads sister (MY AUNTY) and everyone acted like it was okay and it was so confusing as a child. I think knowing first hand how her and her family have no boundaries and knowing how it affected me is making me even more sensitive to this situation.

I haven't slept, can't eat and just feel completely sick to my stomach over contemplating what my responsibility as not only an adult but as their sister.

I would love to know, am I right to be really upset about this? Is it my business? Am I complacent if I do nothing? Just because they haven't expressed major negative feelings is it to just be ignored or is it my job to advocate for them?

Tell your dad immediately.

They are his children and he has a duty of care to them and will want (hopefully) to deal with the situation, which he can do with more authority than you as he is the parent.

They are being neglected and I believe that under the most recent laws, exposure to adults having sexual activity is considered legally to be abuse.

Do you mean that the little girl is sharing a bed with her mum and her mums new boyfriend?

If I was your dad I would be livid if I found out you kept this to yourself any longer as my priority would be protecting my vulnerable young children.

It's not up to a 12 year old to decide what is appropriate for themselves to see or hear when it comes to adult behaviour, they need advocates. You need to speak up to your dad so he can speak for them.

Could they not move in with him? Why doesn't he want to fight for them to live with him full time if he's aware of the chaos over there?

You need to tell you Dad

Indeed you should tell your dad and asap. And yes it is your business because your stepmother told you directly this was happening. Not doing anything here is not an option quite apart from the fact this would make you complicit. Someone needs to advocate for them as they cannot do this themselves.

Please advocate for them.

And do not stop when people try to brush it under the carpet.

Imagine the difference you could make to their lives.

Your poor 5 year old sister. That is just awful and leaves her extremely vulnerable to abuse. I hope it’s not happening already

Obviously tell your dad (assuming he doesn't know all this already). He should apply for full a child arrangements order (full custody). Although there's a risk he won't get it, but it would be negligent not to try.

You should also consider speaking to social services about it. There probably isn't enough neglect for them to act on it, but if they can get the 12yo to open up about what's going on, that just might be enough.

Your stepmum sounds a bit like my ex. It took years of social services involvement before they finally realised the kids were better off full time with me.

You need to tell your Dad.

It will probably cause a huge problem between you and your SM. So be it. Your responsibility is towards those children.

Tell your Dad. If he doesn't take action, call social services or the Nspcc yourself. It really is that serious. The allowing a new bf to sleep in the same bed as a 5 year old child is very, very serious. This alone warrants a call to social services.