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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling pressured into having sex

24 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 05/10/2021 06:54

Last year my husband and I went through a rough patch, my sex drive went through the floor and as a result he felt rejected and would get annoyed. He said his birthday was the worst he had ever had because we didn't have sex and I thought that was a really horrible thing to say but he claims he was just being honest.

Anyway he moved out for a bit but then we agreed to try again, my drive picked up and things settled down.

Last week I had an awful UTI, had to take several days off work and get antibiotics to shift it. After a few days I felt better so he starts asking when I'm going to be ready to try again. I put it off for a bit but gave in and made it clear that I was only doing it for him, he said we had to try again sooner or later. Afterwards I said I felt like a toy being there for his entertainment, I consented to it but even during it was obvious I was just trying to get him off.

Now I'm having a flare up of the UTI again and I'm pissed off with him but also myself. I'm pissed off at him for making me feel like I had to do it although he said I didn't. I'm pissed off with myself for not putting my foot down and saying no and he's pissed off with me for making him out to be horrible.

It's going to be a while now before I feel up for any kind of action and I've made that quite clear. He thinks I'm unreasonable because it's all in my head and we have to try at some point but I think less than a week from taking my last antibiotic was probably too soon so it's going to be at least 2 this time. I've barely left the bathroom in 3 hours and just feel like crying I'm so uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 05/10/2021 07:19

Sorry OP, that's awful. Men can be so selfish. There are a few natural remedies you can try as well as your antibiotics, which might prevent flare up's in future. You need to stand your ground and spell it out to him that he has to let you fully recover otherwise it's going to be a vicious cycle and I'm sure he doesn't want that!

Jeremyspoke · 05/10/2021 07:25

No time to address the issue with your husband for now but order some d-mannose on next day delivery, it's magic stuff for UTI's.

layladomino · 05/10/2021 07:28

I understand why this is so upsetting for you.
This is meant to be the man who loves you more than anything, and all he seems to think about is when he can next have sex, even when you have an infection that would make it uncomfortable for you.
I can see why you feel like you're just a toy to be used for his enjoyment. It would put me off ever having sex with him again.
Does he understand that the only good sex is sex where both people equally want it? And that your enjoyment matters as much as his? Does he care about you having an infection?

Do you feel loved and cared for? That is number 1 in a marriage - good sex follows. He seems to think you should put up with his selfish behaviour so he can get his kicks,

Megan2018 · 05/10/2021 07:28

This is not someone I’d want to be married to. He sounds awful and the marriage sounds pretty toxic. I’d be ending it I’m afraid.

mightbealittlebitmad · 05/10/2021 08:01

I've ordered the stuff, same day delivery and I'm ringing the doctor's when they open.

He has apologised for making me feel the way I do and for the flare up and says he will wait as long as necessary until I'm better. If he even thinks about sulking he will find himself without a wife, that really will be the last straw.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 05/10/2021 08:38

That’s actually really abusive behaviour. He doesn’t sound concerned about your health at all either. Disgusting. I actually left my now ex dh for similar behaviour.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2021 08:42

Id struggle to respect DH if I said I don't want sex but I'll let you fuck me to keep you happy and he went ahead!

pinkyredrose · 05/10/2021 08:42

Men can be so selfish

Selfish? He's downright abusive! OP he doesn't care that you're in pain, he just cares about access to your vagina. Get rid of him.

Dery · 05/10/2021 08:46

"order some d-mannose on next day delivery, it's magic stuff for UTI's."

THIS!!! It's amazing. Here's a link to one supplier: www.sweet-cures.com/shop.htm

This information should be so much better known than it is.

Dery · 05/10/2021 08:54

Glad to see that you ordered.

Agree with PPs - this is shocking behaviour. Your H clearly thinks he owns your body and is entitled to sex. I've been through spells of UTIs (much rarer now because I know about d-mannose and understand about other means of prevention and treatment also) and my DH wouldn't have dreamed of pressuring me to have sex when I was suffering. At one stage, 6 weeks went by before I felt ready for penetrative sex again. He accepted it.

UTIs are miserable. When you're in the grips of one, it's easy to feel that you never feel okay again - they're so debilitating and not taken nearly seriously enough by the medical profession, I don't think. But don't worry - the d-mannose will quickly knock the symptoms on the head and things like herbal teas and just generally flushing your system through will help. I found hot water with lemon very soothing also. But I would recommend giving it a good few weeks before penetration again.

Brokeandtired3 · 05/10/2021 10:08

Not another one. Why am I seeing so many threads on her lately of men having an abusive attitude towards sex. It's getting bloody depressing read about what women are tolerating out there and how they usually just stay with them anyways.... really makes me worried for my baby girl and what she will experience

altmember · 05/10/2021 10:21

I think you need to sit down with him and have an open and frank discussion about your sex drives and expectations, and how to work towards a mutually agreeable sex life (if possible). Otherwise you might just have to accept that you're not sexually compatible, and long term it'll lead to frustration and resentment on both sides. Go and read the thread about open marriage gone wrong for an example.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/10/2021 11:55

Is it just me wondering if OP needs to get checked out for an STI?

It's good you've stood your ground op. Shame it came to that but perhaps he can change.

I hope you feel better soon.

Chillyjellytotty · 05/10/2021 12:04

@IdblowJonSnow
When I started reading this I thought ‘Sti test’
Hope you are on the mend soon. He sounds like a selfish arse. His want for sex is not more important that your need to heal

Bagelsandbrie · 05/10/2021 12:08

@Brokeandtired3

Not another one. Why am I seeing so many threads on her lately of men having an abusive attitude towards sex. It's getting bloody depressing read about what women are tolerating out there and how they usually just stay with them anyways.... really makes me worried for my baby girl and what she will experience
I agree.

We need to put these men back in their place. Or just leave them. They don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.

Naunet · 05/10/2021 13:03

Ugh, so revolting. You married a real genius here, a man who cares so little for your pleasure, yet can’t work out why you don’t want it with him more.

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 13:59

Im so sorry OP... this sounds absolutely awful ...

TheDailyCarbunkle · 05/10/2021 15:04

Your husband is a man who will pressure a woman into sex and then have sex with her when it's clear she doesn't want it. He's the kind of man for whom the comfort and enjoyment of his partner is irrelevant.

You made a big mistake getting back together with him.

Bypassed21 · 05/10/2021 15:22

Your husband is being sexually coercive - its a form of abuse, it really is.

He's persuading you into having sex you don't want. Please, please stop giving in to him - things will only deteriorate unless you stop it now.
You need to be able to say no to sex with him for whatever reason - I know you are ill right now - but you should of been able to say no regardless of the reason.

Flowers I hope you feel better soon. Please don't have sex with him again until YOU feel like you want to.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 15:25

Your marriage is a toxic nightmare. What a pig your husband is.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/10/2021 15:26

OP can you imagine ever pushing someone to have sex when they've told you it will physically hurt them?

No decent person does that to anyone else, your husband is not a good man.

flyingsauces · 05/10/2021 15:40

God can you imagine going on an early days or for that matter, any date with someone like him and being treated like that?! He'd never be getting any?! Bloody hell you're not a blow up doll OP how awful.

The mind boggles at the entitlement and sheer knobheadedness!

Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2021 20:29

Side note: Always use condoms. Also, make sure he always washes his hands before venturing down there (you too).

I've never had a uti and always follow those tips.
Not that I have that much sex of course xD

billy1966 · 05/10/2021 23:08

@Aquamarine1029

Your marriage is a toxic nightmare. What a pig your husband is.
This.

He sounds utterly repulsive.

An odious sex pest.

He could care less about your wishes or discomfort.

I would seriously look at ending a marriage over this.
Flowers

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