Single life

[thejukester]

Has anyone else decided that dating isn't for them and they are happier single? I'm 39 and just find I'm my most happiest when not dating. I don't miss the not knowing where you stand and I enjoy my own company. Whilst at times I think it would be nice to have someone I can't see it happening.

I have used dating sites before but the quality in 2021 is utter 💩. I gave my number to one guy who keeps asking if I'm ok if I don't respond straight away or what am I doing etc. Already blocked him as this toe seems controlling. Another one said he loved me and wanted to buy me gifts and to spoil me. And finally another one wanted to marry me and move and we haven't even met. Seriously Wtaf is wrong with these people? This is not normal behaviour at all. Is this so common with online 'dating' in 2021?

I’m the same, similar age. Just can’t be bothered! I don’t feel like anything is missing, and can’t bear the idea of living with someone. I have lots of friends and a busy life, and don’t really want to have the hassle of fitting someone into my life!

Quite happily single and have been since I ended my marriage 5 years ago. I've got my kids, my dogs, a decent house and the job I always wanted to do. Can't be bothered dating and that's unlikely to ever change.

I have to agree with everything you've wrote OP, as I've 'matured' my tolerance is zero for corny, needy, liars and perverted men. I would rather plan my weekends doing exactly what I want to do.

Looking back on my past failed relationships has taught me something and that is I'm actually quite comfortable with my own company. Being in a relationship does not define me ( I think I used to believe it was, and I ended up a doormat). Its taken me ages to realise and accept this, I wish I had this revelation years ago!

44 and single for a few reasons. If the right man came along then fair enough, but not really looking and not had 'sex' (if you can call what my ex did that) for over 18 months. I have a pretty good solo sex life.

Like to think if and when I do date again I'll bin fairly quickly if they do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I came to this conclusion over the weekend. I’m far happier when single and love my own company. Currently, I’m seeing a genuinely nice guy (surprised I actually found a decent one on a dating app!). Already though, I have to compromise a little too much for our new relationship to work, which unsettles me. I’m surprised with myself, as I thought that I really wanted to be in a relationship.

It’s the best, when my last partner left me for someone else it felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I love it.

Also 39 and feel the same. In the last 20 or so years the happier parts have been while single.

Just turned 40 and would like a committed relationship on a sort of part time basis - not sure anyone is going to be up for that though

Still on the fence. Relationships seem like a lot of effort and obligation for seemingly little reward.

Happy single here. All the compromising involved within a relationship has become tiresome.
I have met some nice men but absolutely can't picture co-habiting with anyone! The very thought freaks me out.

It is also very energising to be single - I'm fitter, sexier and more productive without a partner!

I might consider a living-apart type of arrangement with a non-possessive man. Maybe.

Yes 🙌🏼
I was single for 7 yrs in my 20's thinking I was missing out, that I was meant to have a dp. Felt worse because my marriage was over.

Then I dated my ex, for 3 yrs and it was just a rollercoaster of crap. So many things I didn't know about the dating game. Love bombing, phone on airplane mode, etc etc. There were great times but I was truly happier alone.

Have been for 18 months and I choose to continue this for ever
I enjoy my company, I have a few friends and I honestly don't think everyone should or needs to be in relationships.
Especially as I've learnt about my issues and worked on myself and so many others don't.

Looking for a dp seems like such a bad false idea

It's very interesting to read everyone's responses!

I'm also 39 but pregnant via IVF and a sperm donor so have given up on dating/relationships after I'd become disillusioned/despairing about them following a two year on/off 'situation ship' between the ages of 37-39.

I definitely feel more in control and less anxious now that I am going to get my family as I put it (I'm very grateful and fortunate that the treatment worked).

I also can't see myself cohabiting with anyone anytime soon and am really tired of comprising massively in order to 'make the relationship work'. I think I used to be a but of doormat looking back on my previous relationships.

As for the question of sex/intimacy, I think I'll probably explore Fwb/fb scenario again; plenty of men offering this/willing to accept this, so it shouldn't be too problematic to find.

@thejukester
Do you have children already/want them?

@anthurium

It's very interesting to read everyone's responses!

I'm also 39 but pregnant via IVF and a sperm donor so have given up on dating/relationships after I'd become disillusioned/despairing about them following a two year on/off 'situation ship' between the ages of 37-39.

I definitely feel more in control and less anxious now that I am going to get my family as I put it (I'm very grateful and fortunate that the treatment worked).

I also can't see myself cohabiting with anyone anytime soon and am really tired of comprising massively in order to 'make the relationship work'. I think I used to be a but of doormat looking back on my previous relationships.

As for the question of sex/intimacy, I think I'll probably explore Fwb/fb scenario again; plenty of men offering this/willing to accept this, so it shouldn't be too problematic to find.

@thejukester
Do you have children already/want them?

This is a heartwarming post, and congratulations 😊

@anthurium No I've always known I didn't want children.

@happytohavefoundyou It's the dating phase I found a rollercoaster of emotions. I don't see the point anymore as most relationships don't work out so better to be happy alone than with the wrong person.

You would think in a world of billions of people the majority would find a good fit but it feels impossible!

In my forties, single for quite a few years with some dating thrown in. Can honestly say I was much happier during single times (outside of recovery periods for shitty interactions). Am actually dating someone right now who is giving all the appearances of being amazing, have noticed my happiness levels are not dissimilar to being comfortably single. Am enjoying our time together but it’s a nice addition to life rather than anything particularly transformative happiness wise. OTOH many men have made me utterly miserable and impacted me hugely in a negative way.

So i’m on the fence tbh! Yes this guy is great (so far), but a happy relationship with a great guy is not as impactful overall as part of me thought it might be - probably because that conditioning about relationships being so important was in play. I’d be upset if we broke up but i’d be happy single again pretty quickly I think.

I was single, apart from a few fairly short relationships until I met DH in my early 40s. I would have stayed single rather than go into a bad relationship. I love being with DH though and it's miles better than the benefits I had of being single.

I think single life is so isolating as you get older. My relationship isn't the best at the moment but I feel like if I left, it would be even worse. In my mid thirties, almost all my friends are coupled up and so many social events are 'couples' things that you just don't get invited to if you're single. I was single for a while before I met my partner at 34 and it felt really good to suddenly have that 'default' person to do things with - go for a drink, weekend away, hiking in the countryside. I am a very independent person and have done loads on my own, including travelling the world and emigrating multiple times, but it's just so nice to have someone to do stuff with, and the older you get, the harder it is to find it in friends, because they're all busy with partners and families. I loved being single in my teens and early twenties and never felt like I was missing out but that's because there were so many opportunities to do stuff and meet people.

@CecilieRose

I think single life is so isolating as you get older. My relationship isn't the best at the moment but I feel like if I left, it would be even worse. In my mid thirties, almost all my friends are coupled up and so many social events are 'couples' things that you just don't get invited to if you're single. I was single for a while before I met my partner at 34 and it felt really good to suddenly have that 'default' person to do things with - go for a drink, weekend away, hiking in the countryside. I am a very independent person and have done loads on my own, including travelling the world and emigrating multiple times, but it's just so nice to have someone to do stuff with, and the older you get, the harder it is to find it in friends, because they're all busy with partners and families. I loved being single in my teens and early twenties and never felt like I was missing out but that's because there were so many opportunities to do stuff and meet people.

Possibly it'd be isolating for you if the relationship broke down (it all depends what else is going on or not in your life). Do you have a good family support network? A large, diverse friendship group?

It is sad that in society relationships are revered so much - and given far too much status symbol - I know I was married and I acutely recall the 'privilege' - and being a single and in particular childless woman - as some sort of social pariah.

It is nice having a 'default' person to go to but all relationships too a degree are fickle so what is now the default may not be the case in 5-10 years. I don't want to be reliant on one person alone as you never know what could go wrong.

The issue is the way society is structured and organised, and I'd much rather have a genuine, community with lots of people to choose from to do things with rather than having the one and only 'default' person. It is an utopian fantasy, I know, but I'm doing things differently (solo mother to be via sperm donor) so I am used to doing things the unconventional way. But, that's me.

Single people are shamed to an extent and the trope is to 'keep' looking/dating until you find a partner. As we've already pointed out on the thread, life is expensive as a singleton, I think this is one of the biggest societal 'punishment' (though I've not experienced not being invited to events because I'm single).

I don't think it's just in the 20s that you get to meet people (predominantly university?) and do stuff, this is still possible in your 30s/40s however it does take more effort.

I've tried various sites but you see the same faces after a while.

I don't want to start anything long distance as I am someone who likes communicating face to face but where I am there is slim pickings.

Just out of interest what would you regard as long distance and too far away? For me anything more than 2 hours drive. I don't think I'd travel to meet a complete stranger that far!