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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said putting our family first doesn’t come naturally

30 replies

Skiddamarink · 04/10/2021 13:50

Me and my boyfriend have been going through it. We have a 1 year old and I’ve been asking him to be there more because on occasions he’s acted quite selfishly.

We were talking about it. I said we should be a priority and a pretty high one at that. He said it doesn’t come naturally to him putting family life first. I don’t really know what to say to that. Are we doomed? Is it because he’s still(!!!) adjusting to family life. I asked why does he think that is, he just said dads aren’t the same as mums. While I think we have exactly the same responsibilities

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/10/2021 13:52

he's full of shit.

Original poster
Skiddamarink · 04/10/2021 13:53

Yes seems so

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/10/2021 13:53

Ye gods! I have no idea how you will cope with that in the long term. The fact he thinks it is OK to say it out loud tells you a lot about how his brain works.

Sadly the only man/men I know who have been similarly bereft of maturity after the birth of their first child remained so long after said child became an adult.

How old are you/he?
How long have you been together?
Do you think he might be redeemable?

pog100 · 04/10/2021 13:54

How old are you? That sounds like a very immature statement and idea though, to be fair, one that seems to persist to old age in many men according to this board.
If he's young maybe there's time for him to buck up his ideas, if older I doubt he'll change now, after a year, and I wouldn't stay with him. What role models for fathers does he have?

Original poster
Skiddamarink · 04/10/2021 13:57

He doesn’t have a great relationship with his dad, so I know he struggled with knowing the role he should play. He says he needs me to clearly explain what I need him to do, but he’s not my kid. But he said he wouldn’t expect me to know what he needs all the time.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/10/2021 14:07

He says he needs me to clearly explain what I need him to do, but he’s not my kid. So ask him how he thinks you know what to do? Do women come with it hard wired into their pink little brains?

But he said he wouldn’t expect me to know what he needs all the time. He has a mouth, evidently, he can ask.

That requires him trying, doing, stepping up and being a parent in the first place.

Original poster
Skiddamarink · 04/10/2021 14:09

What does it even mean???? I know what it means but like what is he saying. Does he really think I will just say okay fine don’t worry we won’t be a priority

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/10/2021 14:14

It means he doesn't plan on pulling his weight as a father or partner and will do what he wants while you do the childrearing and all domestic duties and he'll drop in and out as he pleases and you'd better not moan because you really aren't that important to him.

FluffyTeddyBear · 04/10/2021 14:33

I disagree with what you’ve been told.

My husband is inherently selfish. His dad was the same and we are working hard as a family to improve that.

Naturally he absolutely does struggle at times to put us first. Not all of the time but sometimes.

I think it’s good your partner has acknowledged his failings - nobody is born perfect! So long as he is open to your suggestions and works to improve on it I don’t see the issue.

Relationships are all about communication and compromise. He isn’t a failure because he’s not a natural father.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/10/2021 15:21

Oddly @FluffyTeddyBear every post so far, bar one, has suggested he might grow up. Nobody has said he's a failure... just pointed out that he isn't really trying - yet!

Mybalconyiscracking · 04/10/2021 15:28

I think he has no “fathering model” to fall back on from his own past and he is asking for help from you.
Why not tell him what he needs to do and see how he gets in with it. Just because these things don’t come naturally it doesn’t mean that they won’t ever come at all.

HunkyPunk · 04/10/2021 15:33

His age might be important. We don’t fully mature until 25, on average. Men are usually later to mature than women. He sounds immature, but at least he recognises it!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/10/2021 15:36

@Mybalconyiscracking

I think he has no “fathering model” to fall back on from his own past and he is asking for help from you. Why not tell him what he needs to do and see how he gets in with it. Just because these things don’t come naturally it doesn’t mean that they won’t ever come at all.
That comes back to - why would he expect OP, woman, is any better prepared than he is?

He could do some reading, ask some questions, start parenting and ask as he goes along. But @Skiddamarink says he just doesn't think 'family' and so is, presumably, just living his single life!

Original poster
Skiddamarink · 04/10/2021 15:56

So he is 29, he did struggle a lot when the baby was born. Baby was not planned but he was excited and there has been some bumps on the way. On one hand he’s changed his whole life to be there as a dad as he should. On the other sometimes he just does things without thinking about how it would affect us. Whereas I think as a whole unit. My son comes first obviously but family to me is my priority. Every time

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/10/2021 16:00

So, it may not be down to being a new dad but just that the change in your life has highlighted his selfishness. Because now it effects you in ways it didn't before. All the change is yours.

It's not like 29 is a child, after all!

I suppose you'll have to adult him and get him to sit down and have a rpoper grown up discussion about it, see what he says. Which is tiresome but might start a more permanent change.

Hattie765 · 04/10/2021 16:04

@Skiddamarink

He doesn’t have a great relationship with his dad, so I know he struggled with knowing the role he should play. He says he needs me to clearly explain what I need him to do, but he’s not my kid. But he said he wouldn’t expect me to know what he needs all the time.
It may be that he's not had good role models and doesn't know how a normal family works. Maybe he doesn't know where a good dad looks like and does because he hasn't had one so he's just used to looking out for himself? Or he might just be a dick, only you know xx
HunkyPunk · 04/10/2021 16:10

sometimes he just does things without thinking about how it would affect us. Whereas I think as a whole unit. My son comes first obviously but family to me is my priority. Every time.

At the risk of being controversial, imo men are less likely to function like that. Completely non-pc to say so, I’m sure, but I just think women are more likely to have that hard-wired into us, as we carry the babies. Nature, innit?
Not to say that there aren’t fantastic fathers who are naturally family-orientated, or that men can’t learn, even if it doesn’t come naturally to them, but I do think it’s less likely to be instinctive.

greenlynx · 04/10/2021 16:11

I don’t know what kind of behaviour do you mean but I suppose the main thing he needs to remember is that he can’t do what he wants anymore and he needs to discuss most things with you.

By the way I don’t feel from your post that he sees this inability to put family first as his failure and wants to improve, does he?

Original poster
Skiddamarink · 04/10/2021 16:24

I mean he apologised for what he did. I don’t think he sees it as a problem but is always willing to compromise if that makes sense? I do just expect him to get on with it and do as I would. Which is probably not fair. I know some men just get it and he is very involved and loving dad

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteBird · 04/10/2021 16:33

@Skiddamarink

He doesn’t have a great relationship with his dad, so I know he struggled with knowing the role he should play. He says he needs me to clearly explain what I need him to do, but he’s not my kid. But he said he wouldn’t expect me to know what he needs all the time.
So he's selfish, he's admitting he's selfish (although he doesn't see it in those terms, he sees it as a difference between men and women) but he's open to being taught how to behave in a less selfish way? Its something. But it's not great. Learning to change his outward behaviour won't change who he fundamentally is. It's likely to be a recurring feature of your relationship. Do you want to sign up for teaching him how to behave in any given situation? He's saying he's fine with it, but will he change his mind about that when he realises it's not a one-off lesson? If he's early 20s or younger, he might grow up (or he might not) and become less of a selfish person. If he's late 20s or older I think you can forget it, he is who he is. The bit in the middle is anybody's guess.

A person really needs to like their partner for who they are, not for who they wish they were.

If he needs to grow up but you don't want to parent him, would it work for you to split up now, co-parenting and living separate lives, with the knowledge that there's no hatred between you, which leaves open the possibility that in the future if you're both single and he's grown up you could consider getting back together again? I've known a few that's worked for, although in all those cases it was the men who broke things off because they recognised they weren't ready to settle down. It might be better than waiting until the point you're sick of his selfish ways and he's sick of you always being on his case about his selfish ways, I don't think there's any coming back from that. If you choose this don't wait for him though in case he never grows up, consider it a proper break up and go do your own thing.

knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 16:50

@Skiddamarink

He doesn’t have a great relationship with his dad, so I know he struggled with knowing the role he should play. He says he needs me to clearly explain what I need him to do, but he’s not my kid. But he said he wouldn’t expect me to know what he needs all the time.
That's a pitiful excuse.

My husband didn't have a great relationship with his dad either ( it was very distant and not loving) , but he was a great father to his children and a great grandfather to his grandchildren. Your partner has to want to be a good dad first and foremost. Like most of us he can learn as he goes along, but he has to want this.

knittingaddict · 04/10/2021 16:53

Do you live together?

What did he do that he needed to apologise for?

RantyAunty · 04/10/2021 16:56

It means he sees himself as a single free agent.

Do you live together?

Hoppinggreen · 04/10/2021 16:58

DHs father was a useless alcoholic who did no parenting whatsoever and he took to parenthood better than I did.
It’s no excuse

Comedycook · 04/10/2021 17:02

I suppose his honesty makes a refreshing change compared to most men. I do believe men are inherently more selfish than women. These boards are proof of that