Still peed off partner works with ex shag

[firehorse666]

So, long story, 'not so short' sorry.
I met my partner after being a single mum for 12 years after sons dad died.
I hated men tbh, terrible trauma history have CPTSD (too long to explain) so was surprised I actually liked him.
He supportedy counselling, my court case, my ill health... My Autistic son... Lovely, empathetic ,supportive man. Not my usual type in looks/career etc but that didn't get me anywhere and I was always passive with strong headed men which is why I have CPTSD.
Anyhoo, I know no-one's 'perfic'.... But we've had a very last two rough two years together, 4 years together so far. Finally calmed now and accepted each others issues dealt with my trauma response and feeling unsafe & his secrecy thinking he knows what's best and easiest for him/us,typical bloke tbh.
But.... I still have a grudge that I found out he'd had an affair /shagfest with his work colleague a couple of years before we met. He was going though a nasty separation, his ex had moved out, this woman was unhappy in her marriage, blah, blah, blah. Right.... Not much of an issue I hear you say, it was in the past before heet you I hear you say?

Well, I only found out by seeing a couple of naughty pics and screenshot of messages between them of it ending... He gave me his laptop for a course I was doing, and yes sat there in his bin were these... (Plus a lot of hardcore pics of him in seedy sex situations with lots of other people,mostly took 10 years ago). Tch! ... Sigh! Another trigger for me.
I confronted him, he denied & lied at first, then came clean.
Thing is, they didn't just work together at the same compnay. They worked together in the same desk at a RAF base within a couple of feet together. I find out she did a Basic Instinct on him when he ended it (so he tells me 🙄). This was a year before we met It made work very, very difficult for him at the time. All this time we were together, he'd come home either moaning about her, or telling me she'd said something funny that day. Usually he moaned about her being awful. I always thought she was too familiar in her mood swings at work with him, obvs I now know why 😒.
I was never invited to his works (it's high security and I can't just drop in) & this is the reason why. He admitted he'd have to arrange a day when she wasn't there and he was so stressed with the situ. Making Ass-hol decisions does that I guess.
He admitted to me (while tipsy & a year after the laptop revelations) she'd called into his house on his bday the first year we were together. Yes, she felt so secure with her relationship with him she just pops over... So, obv she had no clue I was alive or indeed in a relationship with him.....🤥
Other shit too. He obviously didn't want to tell me anything and it always came out in dribs & drabs.. His defence, he didn't want to lose me. He was scared I'd think less of him (I would & did)... He didn't want to stress me out whilst going through abuse court case/counselling and add to my (correct assumption) that most men are twunts. Yada, yada. He kept the peace all round to save his ass basically.
So we separated twice over two years, endless talks, rows, etc. New leaf.. I do trust him without a doubt I know he won't have an affia, I know he didn't have an affair. He's acknowledged his passiveness and weakness & worked and working on it with us.
But I still loathe, loathe, loathe she works there. She's in a different building now, but I watch her Insta (I'm masochistic obvs)..
I hate their ties at work which I'm not part of. Every time he talks about things that happen I pop onto her insta and she's always there part of it... Grrrrr. Am I mad? Am I immature? I don't like asking him things about her as I can see him go I to panic mode of 'oh no, please not this again'.

First off drop looking at her. It's not helping you move forward. Your real issue is him and his lack of transparency, not her. Think about how much you really want to invest in this as he's clearly not as invested in you if you have to drag the truth out of him. There's probably lots more you haven't found out yet.

When I read the title my first thought was everyone has a past leave it there, but as I read in, he had an affair with a married woman, which is morally wrong even if he wasn't the married one IMO I wouldn't have a good opinion of him on that alone.

She didn't know about you in the first year even though they worked closely together and she just popped round without being invited? yeah right... then I suppose he sent her on her way (I think not)
You've had quite a toxic past with him
Separating twice because of arguing, I don't think keeping yourself in this relationship brings much happiness.

Thanks for commenting 😊.
Yes, I know. I do go months without looking, then I look. I know absolutely it's his lack of transparency, totally. I went through counselling at the time for childhood abuse & we discussed all this at length also.
He has issues himself, no-one is perfect but I struggled with his sneakiness, weak ass decisions and self serving ( behind the scenes) attitude. I'm very, very straightforward. I have to be to feel safe and secure. I hated his immaturity of not coming clean, it's so bizarre and just grotty.
I don't blame her, I don't slag her off. I'm actually quite a feminist and realise it's my beef with him.
Think I sometimes feel I'm making do as he's lovely company, kind, fun, gentle, attentive, loves animals etc. But I know he doesn't have the same value and moral system I have. I sometimes feel I'm one revelation away from his weak decisions. It's usually when he does something a little odd and my over sensitive triggers are lit... It's difficult knowing what's a normal reaction to slliyyle nuances and my overly neurotic mind and distrust of any man.

Also, I realise there's probably tons of history I'll never find out about. That's just the way he is I think. I haven't disclosed all about my life's shenanigans either. Perhaps we get to an age where we start a relationship (mid life, we're not kids) and there's so much baggage it's not worth it? But this was while we were together and I still struggle with his decisions. I hope it won't bite me on the ass, I feel he's changed and he's gone to counselling since. I just get jittery every now and again. We don't live together, I don't want to put myself in that position of blind trust. I've been done over before & lost everything. Think I'm being practical tbh.

I don't blame her, I don't slag her off

Yes you do. In your title you dehumanised her as an “ex shag”

My kind of feminism doesn’t involve talking about women like that

😒. Tbf, I say that regardless if it's a man or woman, or anyone else. It wasn't a relationship, it was a shag. I've had shags & I've had relationships. Using a word I use for myself. Gets on my nerves people on high horses.

Whatever happened in your past still haunts you.
From the way you talk about it I'd be hesitant to tell you of thing going on in his position. It's over, women do sometimes 'tease' if they think it'll get a reaction. I suspect he's scared you'll flare up if he mentions anything.

God forbid someone disagree with you, OP. Fwiw I agree with @AnyFucker.
It’s all a bit long winded tbh but I really don’t think the issue lies in him having had a relationship with this woman in the past, but the fact he is a bit of a liar, and that he’s generally untrustworthy given the fact he has a stash of intimate photos of ex partners. You say yourself that your values are mismatched. So, on that basis, I personally wouldn’t be that interested in a relationship with him.
The flip side to that however is that, honestly, if I was him, I wouldn’t want a relationship with you. You’re obsessed with his ex, to the point that you stalk her online, you’ve snooped extensively on his laptop (and phone?) and you seem generally very insecure, from the word go rather than down to his actions. I’d be looking at spending some time single if I were you, and just working on yourself and your own issues before thinking about another relationship.

You are obsessed because he had a shag with someone before you met? And they work together?

It happened before you met, it's none of your business.

Tbh all those porn style pics with various women would of told me all I needed to know, and it's hard to 'unsee' once you've seen it. But you chose to stick with him after that, so we have different standards and you are years down the line from having seen it.
Generally though, if you find yourself in an on/off relationship it's either, that one or both of you prefer to run away instead of sort things out at the time, or things are happening that are crossing your boundaries, but after a while of being apart you talk yourself into lowering the boundary because you miss them - neither is good or healthy in a relationship.
Think about the times he's caused you to think less of him - those are the boundary-crossing moments. Then try tosee it as if he was someone else who you had no emotional ties to, had maybe just met - would you think you were the type to let those things slide? What would you advise a friend in your situation? It's your decision ultimately, just be careful about how many future things you finding you need to overlook in order to maintain the status quo with him.