DH's lack of any sensory sensitivity and memory recall.

[Gotthatvibe]

Is there something wrong with my DH?

I am planning on leaving him, because of so many reasons, but largely a great deal of absent-mindedness and what comes across as him being numb.

He has bad memory recall- struggles to remember his childhood, can barely remember important times around when we met, only vaguely remembers the birth of DCs.

He doesn't easily see hazards or danger, he is oblivious to loud noises, sleeps easily with the curtains open in full day light when he goes to bed/wakes in the morning, doesn't realise when he's being loud, doesn't know how we feels about anything in his life and has no sense of direction at all, has no temperature control and doesn't realise when he's got in bed in summer, sweating under a winter duvet.

He'll say that massages are "ok" but don't do a lot for him, he doesn't need intimacy or physical touch. He says that he is "content" for us to live together as housemates bringing up the DCs because he doesn't require an intimate relationship. He lacks joy, empathy, sadness, anger.

He seems traumatised but claims to have had a wonderful childhood. Something cognitively seems very wrong with him and I'm concerned for my DCs and the impact his numbness will havr on their wellbeing as the grow up.

At times, he has seemed much more loving, happier. He's particularly happy when he's doing his hobbies and this will show on his face and body language. But his auto-pilot day to day mood is that of numb. Completely numb. It's so sad to be around. I'm worried about him, but also can't continue to live my life with him, like this.

His parents just describe it as "laid back" but it's more than that. He doesn't help himself and I often wonder if he has the executive function to do so?

I gave him a head massage at the wekendand he couldn't work out whether he liked it or not. He also struggles to tell when he's ill or when he's overloaded himself. He was great in the beginning and after the birth of DC1 but I think he has to make a real, forced conscious effort which he just can't sustain.

I'm told he had a bad knock to the head as a child, could it be this? Or is there something else going on? Eitherway, something isn't right.

He's had counselling a few times but he stops attending. I ask if he's depressed and he says "I don't think so" and claims to be content and having fun even when he seems utterly miserable.

Any idea as to what is going on?

Sounds like you don’t love him anymore, that’s enough reason to leave without labelling him as mentally damaged

Have a look at stuff by gabor mate and bessel van der kolk about adverse childhood experiences. Your dh sounds like he's working hard to block out childhood stuff. It's not uncommon.

How old are your children and how long have you been together?

Its hard to tell from the above. Sounds like he is depressed? that can present as allot of brain fog, and disinterest can show as acting "dumb".

It sounds pretty crap for you whatever is going on! I guess as per PP comments, maybe you are already over it and one foot out the door anyway?

Unlike pp I imagine it's incredibly hard to live with someone in the state you describe him being in

@rumred

Have a look at stuff by gabor mate and bessel van der kolk about adverse childhood experiences. Your dh sounds like he's working hard to block out childhood stuff. It's not uncommon.

Definitely this - classic examples in your OP.

Thank you, I'll take a look.

Possible autism?

Hi,
From what you describe your DH sounds to me like he could be on the ASD spectrum. All of the sensory stuff you describe are red flags, as is the lack of awareness of other people's social or emotional cues.

Sometimes people with undiagnosed ASD into adulthood can also experience depression too. So he could be dealing with both and not recognising that anything is amiss.

Have you spoken to him about what you are seeing in him? Maybe you could outline what you've said here and encourage him to talk to his GP again?

Someone I know was only assessed and diagnosed with Aspergers in her late 40's and the knowledge of that has given her so much peace of mind because she now has support and has occ therapy for things like her sensory issues.

Your description sounds like autism.

At the end of the day, does it matter what you label him with? You are not happy in your relationship with him. You are not suited to one another. You can leave the relationship for whatever reason you want, it is valid. Even if that reason is "only" you're not happy.

You're not a psychologist and it doesn't sound like DH would go along with any kind of treatment even if you did get him diagnosed. He is happy as he is. You're not happy with him. That is valid enough reason to leave.

Alexithymia is associated with memory and sensory issues.
embrace-autism.com/toronto-alexithymia-scale/

Look up interoception too

I work with ptsd and while the childhood blank is a signal of trauma, this sounds more like a hidden learning difficulty or acquired brain injury from the childhood bump. The ptsd / bad childhood could cause the numbness and sensory issues and memory problems but with no known history of trauma at all this seems unlikely.

Of can if he had some sort of undiagnosed learning disability then he may also have missed out on attuned parenting, not had his needs met, acquired lots of developmental gaps, and even attracted abuse or bullying.

I wonder how long you were together before getting married and having DC? Surely his extreme lack of ability to firm an opinion on anything was evident to start with? Has it got worse or were there always signs? You don't suddenly get autism as an adult so it sounds like it was always there? Why just noticed now?
Probably best to get him to the GP and referred to the right specialists. If this is a change of behaviour over time and not his fixed personality, there could be an organic cause.

@ButterflyAway

Sounds like you don’t love him anymore, that’s enough reason to leave without labelling him as mentally damaged

Doesn't sound like that at all!

OP, how can he claim to have had a wonderful childhood if he doesn't remember?

He laughs when I suggest a GP and says there's nothing wrong.

Although, as posters have quite rightly pointed out, I plan to leave him anyway as nothing changes, I still care about him and the impact his behaviour may have on my children. We are friends at the moment and if things can remain that way, I think it would benefit everyone.

These behaviours were mild when we met and have definitely become worse as we've got older. He also made a lot of effort in the beginning years. Yes we married early after an unexpected pregnancy whilst using contraception.

He remembers big memories like holidays to Kenya and Canada and attributes these experiences to a wonderful childhood, but he can't remember going to school, day to day life etc

Alexithymia is in fact reported as potentially getting stronger with age, though Googling it, it looks like they mean older age.

I was going to say that if he agreed to counselling then he sounded open to exploring it, but then you say he won't go to a GP? Why did he go to counselling?

Sounds like Autism to me (i have young adult children with ASD at home so am very familiar with what men on the spectrum can be like to live with).
I recently observed significant changes in DS1 when he had his first serious girlfriend. He was much more touchy feely and tuned into everyone's feelings while it lasted but went back to being his usual unemotional self afterwards. Why? I believe the answer is Oxytocin the "love hormone", while it's coursing round your body when you fall in love, have sex a lot or are bonding with new babies everyone is more warm and responsive. There is actual ongoing research testing oxytocin delivered by nasal spray to improve autistic people's social interactions.
That's my theory as to why your DH was "better" at first then went back to being happy with less.
The hobbies and lack of sensory sensitivities etc, even the poor memory, all point to autism imo.
This scenario seems to pop up a lot on the relationship board.
I think trauma is less likely, there is huge variation in the quality and quantity of different peoples memories, my DH does not remember much at all about his childhood apart from a small member of standout events.

How old is he? Depending on age, perhaps some form of dementia? Obviously, I have no idea, just putting it out there.

@wbeezer thank you for uour fantastic post. What you say about oxytocin is extremely interesting and makes so much sense!

Do you speak to your son about how to behave in relationships etc? Is he aware of the way he is post oxytocin? My DH is aware that he lacks feeling and has alwayz been quite proud of it until I pointed out the potential autism link a couple of years ago. But he just laughs it off.

He is resistant to talking about feelings, he has a lot of demand avoidant traits and refuses to engage with me about it (i did when he was little) . He is 23 now though and has the right to not talk about things he regards as personal and private if he doesn't want to. I choose carefully what i pull him up on but do tell him about my feelings when it's important but find it best to avoid being too confrontational.
It's very different when it's your child rather than a partner the love is unconditional. you transactional, i know him inside out and know how he struggles and I know he loves me so i overlook the missing bits and have stepped back from wishing things were different.
My son can be a bit scathing about people who are too emotional.

I thought possible autism. Interoception issues in particular.
It's possible and not uncommon to have both sensory issues and executive function issues.
I think your difficulty comes when you are communicating on different wavelengths, making assumptions and misinterpreting motivations. Try and talk about it and research all the things in this thread. Your husbands differences won't necessarily impact your children but you do both need to understand why you both behave/think the way you do and how that might be interpreted by the other person.

That should read "not transactional".